Question: Yangki, I think that No Contact works if you wait long enough for both you and your ex to remember the good times at the beginning of your relationship, more easily than you remember the bad times at the end. I acted very needy and desperate at the end and she threatened to report me to the authorities if I didn’t stop contacting her and trying to get her to talk to me. I’m using no contact to create distance between us and the bad memories she had of me, and at the same time make her feel like I don’t miss her.
It’s called Reverse Psychology. It’s like when someone tells you that you can’t have a piece of cake, what do you immediately want? A piece of cake. If she thinks I’ve moved on, she’ll miss me and will start wondering what I’m up to and why she hasn’t heard from me.
Yangki’s Response: First of all, almost all exes will think about you and even miss you from time to time, but that does not always mean they still have feelings for you or want you back.
Secondly, reverse Psychology is a manipulative game, and like with all mind games, it doesn’t always work, it doesn’t work on some people (i.e. someone with a secure attachment style or dismissive avoidant), and when it works, it leaves a lasting stain on a relationship. Many people who use it never fully feel safe and secure in the relationship.
I don’t know your ex and don’t know if reverse psychology will work on her or not. I know however, that there are people who when you tell them they can’t have a piece of cake because you want them to beg for it, they will shrug their shoulders and walk away, especially if they (to use your analogy):
- Are too proud to beg for a piece of cake (are secure, self-assured and know their worth);
- Don’t like cake in the first place (don’t feel in love with you or don’t think you are ‘the one’);
- Don’t feel like eating a piece of cake at that particular moment in time (not ready for a relationship with you or anyone else);
- Have just indulged on a tastier piece or have eyes on a more delicious piece (are interested in someone else).
Unless you really know for sure that your ex wants you back that bad and is the type to come begging, your reverse psychology will backfire for the simple fact that it’s based on too many assumptions.
1) You are assuming she actually wants to hear from you, let alone misses hearing from you. Remember this is someone who didn’t want you contacting her and even threatened to call the authorities.
2) You are assuming she’s thinking of you and “the good memories”. But let’s even for a remote second say she remembers the good times you had together, what makes you think she wants them back? She may have decided she can do better, have better?
3) You are assuming her life is on “stand still” and she’s not having other similar or better experiences without you. Life goes on (even without you).
4) You are assuming that by “disappearing” she’s going to forget you acted so badly that she felt the need to report you to the authorities.
Basically you are working on an unrealistic assumption that “no contact” somehow has the power to:
- make someone miss hearing from you;
- reverse time back to the good ol’ days;
- stop time until the bad memories are erased, and;
- stop her from having other experiences that are better.
You are assuming that “no contact” can do all that and also do the work of attracting back your ex for you. That’s expecting too much from “no contact”, don’t you think?
But that is what is being sold, I guess… and some people are buying the “magic solution”!
So many people committing so much time, emotion and effort on trying to make an ex miss them because they think that’s the way to attract someone who lost feelings of love. You can’t lose something you never had to begin with.
Even if your ex misses you and contacts you, which is possible, them reaching out to you and saying they miss you does not necessarily mean they want you back. Sometimes it’s just how they feel and that’s all there is to it. There is also the possibility that your ex is saying they miss you just to find out if you still miss them. You are excited they’re saying they miss you, only to find out your ex was contacting you for their own selfish reasons. After they find out you still miss them, they disappear.
I am not saying you should not try your reverse psychology, it may well work with an ex with attachment anxiety or is a fearful avoidant. The questions you have to ask yourself are: Would you as a self-respecting adult man or woman want to be in a relationship with someone who you know used “reverse psychology” to get you back? Would you be thinking, “Oh, they love me so much that they emotionally manipulated me into getting back together? Would you feel safe and secure in the relationship?
If it gives you an “uncomfortable” feeling that someone would do that to you, why would you do it to someone you claim to love?
More importantly, what does it say about you that you have to manipulate someone into missing you, and wanting you back?