When You Give A Fearful Avoidant Ex “Too Much” Space

When a fearful avoidant breaks up or ends a relationship, most exes are quick to give a fearful avoidant space. Their thinking is: “We got too close, they felt overwhelmed, and they pulled away to regain their independence. If I give them space, they’ll feel less overwhelmed and be more open to reconnecting.”

This may be the case, but there is more to a fearful avoidant attachment than just a fear of getting close or a fear of losing their independence.

In some situations, giving a fearful avoidant space may actually trigger their fear of abandonment. They feel like you don’t want anything to do with them; which then makes them even more afraid of getting close and sometimes even take themselves out of your life.

Fearful avoidant attachment conflicting needs

To understand a fearful avoidant attachment style, it’s important to:

• Understand that they are anxious avoidants, and not just avoidants
• They have both a fear of closeness and a fear of abandonment
• The dominant fear tells you what they’re really afraid of
• What drives their attachment is the fear of getting hurt (not just fear of closeness or fear of losing their independence).

What this means is that their behaviour is not just about moving away from closeness when overwhelmed or protecting their independence — it is about protecting themselves from getting hurt.

• Closeness can be overwhelming, so they pull away. But distance means losing the connection with someone they love and care about, and that hurts.
• At the same time, staying close also creates vulnerability. If that person eventually leaves — something a fearful avoidant may believe will happen — they’ll feel abandoned, and that hurts too.

Basically all roads lead to getting hurt. Getting close will lead to getting hurt but avoiding closeness also hurts.

What this means for you trying to have a relationship with a fearful avoidant is:

• Get close but not too close to trigger their fear of closeness.
• Give them space but not too much space to trigger their fear of abandonment.

This is what makes relationships with fearful avoidants so challenging for many people. They are trying to navigate two conflicting needs at the same time: the need for connection and the need for protection from getting hurt.

So how close is too close and how much space is too much space?

How close you can get depends on whether a fearful avoidant predominantly leans anxious or leans avoidant.

Fearful avoidants who lean anxious need more closeness than space. This doesn’t mean they don’t want space from time to time, it means that they get easily triggered when you give them too much space because it feels like you left/abandoned them.

But even though they want more closeness than space, when they feel that they’ve allowed themselves or you to get too close, they pull away or push you away.

Fearful avoidant who lean avoidant need more space than closeness. Again, this doesn’t mean they don’t want to get close, they do. It just means they get easily overwhelmed or trapped when you are too close.

They rationally know that you’ll not abandon them, but the possibility that it can happen makes them want to run. The more break ups they’ve had, the more it feels likely that the current relationship will end the same way, and sometimes it’s better to do the abandoning than be abandoned.

For most fearful avoidants however, the predominat fear alternates. Sometimes they lean anxious and want more closness, and sometimes they lean avodant and want more space.

Breakups often activate both fears at the same time

Breakups can trigger insecure attachment patterns more strongly than many other experiences because they directly activate core attachment fears and protective patterns at the same time.

For fearful avoidants, a breakup activates their fear of abandonment or rejection, while also triggering the protective deactivating behaviours they use to feel safe such as distancing, emotional shutdown or numbing.

Many exes not aware of a fearful avoidants fear of closeness and fear of abandonment conflicting needs, hear or read “avoidant” and they automatically think “give them space” to make them feel safe. They don’t realize that giving a fearful avoidant space can set a chain of reactions depending on whether a fearful avoidant leans anxious or leans avoidant.

After the break up:

A fearful avoidant who leans anxious may remain close to the point that it almost feels like you never broke up. The part of them that fears abandonment doesn’t want to let you go.

A fearful avoidant who leans avoidant will often engage in avoidant strategies. They may ask for n contact, distance, focus on the reasons the relationship did not work, convince themselves that separation is the safer option or completely shut down.

The part of them that fears abandonment is still there, but they care about you, miss you, or wonder about you but from a distance.

When you give a fearful avoidant who is afraid of abandonmnet “too much” space

“Too much space” — such as weeks of no contact — can trigger their fear of abandonment. They may reach out for reassurance that you are not leaving or abandoning them.

However, that same fear of abandonment can also cause them to lean into avoidant behaviours because protecting themselves can feel safer than risking being hurt.

Sometimes, an anxious-leaning fearful avoidant ex who is afraid of abandonment may worry that contact will eventually end or that you will stop responding. They may test the connection by saying things like, “I don’t think we should continue contact.”

But because you only see the “avoidant” part of a fearful avoidant — the part that is afraid of getting close — you may automatically assume, “They don’t want contact,” and respond by saying you will give them the space they want.

What you may miss is that your fearful avoidant ex may actually have been looking for reassurance that you still want to stay in contact. When they receive a message saying, “I’ll give you the space you need,” it confirms their fear that it was only a matter of time before the contact ended.

Instead of their fear of abandonment leading them to seek closeness, it triggers avoidance through distance and withdrawal.

Too much space can be just as bad as too much closeness

My point is, when dealing with a fearful avoidant, too much space can sometimes be just as bad as too much closeness.

The key is understanding what their need is at any particular point in time, and not automatically apply “give them space” to every situation.

A fearful avoidant may need distance when closeness feels overwhelming, but they may also need reassurance and connection when distance starts to feel like abandonment.

When they need more closeness than space, you may notice their effort to keep the connection:

• Reading messages as soon as they receive them
• Responding within minutes
• Reaching out on their own
• Sharing what’s going on in their day etc.

When they need more space than closeness:

• They’re much quieter
• Take hours to respond
• Leave messages on read for hours
• They’re much more reserved about sharing details of their life etc.

Even then, don’t assume you know which need is driving their behaviour in the moment. Look at their past patterns: how they typically respond to closeness, conflict, separation, and attempts to reconnect.

Their history will often give you a better understanding of whether their behaviour is more about needing space or needing reassurance that the connection is still there.

RELATED:

How Do You Reassure A Fearful Avoidant Ex?

What Makes A Fearful Avoidant Ex Feel Overwhelmed?

Why Your Ex’s Feelings Changed (How to Change Them Back)