When Do You Stop Reaching Out And Let Your Ex Reach Out?

How do you know when to stop reaching out and let your ex reach out? When do you give up trying to get back with your ex?

Anyone who has tried to get back their ex knows too well that this is not something you can achieve with a single action or random number of actions. It takes time, good strategic planning, and sometimes it’s one step forward and two backwards. Other times you feel like you’re getting mixed signals. That’s all part of trying to attract back an ex.

Many tend to give up after just one or two attempts. Others stubbornly persist to the point of becoming so annoying that their ex is frightened of them; and even gets a restraining order.

When do you persist and refuse to take “no” for an answer; and when do you give up on getting your ex back?

In my experience as a coach, it all depends on a lot of factors. In some situations persistence pays off and in others persistence can be a major turn off. In some situations it’s your ex sending mixed signals and in others it’s you refusing to accept reality.

There are many signs that your ex does not want you back, and I have attached a link to some of these signs at the bottom of the article. These 3 signs however definitively tell you it is time to stop reaching out and let your ex reach out.

1. Your ex has not responded to your 5 attempts to reach them

If you try to reach out the first time and there is no response, try a couple more times. Many exes do not respond the first or even third time. There are also exes who take a “let’s see” approach because they don’t trust that you’ll follow through; and not just give up. Kind of like a test. A little persistence may pay off.

But if after 3 or 4 attempts and still no response of any kind, then you get the message, they’re simply not interested. Stop trying to reach out. Someone who is interested will at least try to give you some encouragement to keep persisting.

2. Your ex wants you to leave them alone

If you tried to reach your ex a few times or tried to get them back and they tell you to “leave me alone” stop trying to reach out. It’s best to accept that persistence is not going to pay off. There may be a chance that your ex will reach out, but for now they’ve made it clear that they want you to leave them alone.

This is not the same as when your ex says they need more time before they want contact which means there is still a chance. It may not be time to stop trying to get back with your ex, yet.

3. Your ex is in a relationship and it’s not a rebound

Your ex’s relationship may have started as a rebound, but if they’ve been together for over 6 months and still going steady, it’s no longer a rebound. Reaching out to try to get them back is not going to change anything.

Show yourself some respect and stop reaching out. If your ex is reaching out, responding, and showing interest, set boundaries . You are not giving up on getting back your ex, your ex gave up on you.

Letting go vs. giving up on trying to get back your ex

As mentioned earlier, when to persist and when do you give up on getting your ex back depends on a lot of factors. In some situations, the right action is to let go; not give up but let go.

Knowing the difference is very important if you are trying to attract back an avoidant ex. For example, with an avoidant, how quickly they respond isn’t always a good indicator of how they feel. When a relationship ends, most avoidants try to block all feelings of you, the relationship and the break-up. This may give you the impression they want you to leave them alone, when that’s not the case.

In some cases the response can be very random and far and in-between. In such situations the extent, manner, and frequency with which you persist has to be moderated by a realistic assessment of the situation; and a common sense approach. You can choose to be persistent sometimes and other times it’s best to step back; let go and allow things to be as they should. This is what I call “non-attached” persistence.

“Non-attached” persistence

“Non-attached” persistence means that you’re 100% actively engaged in trying to get your ex back but your life and happiness is not dependent on things going the way you want them to. If you take two steps forward and get pushed a step back; that’s okay. You keep going until it’s very clear that there is no path ahead, then you give up.

Try it and see how far you can get. You just never know. Just keep your heart and mind open to the fact that it may go the way you want it to; and it may not.

RELATED:

10 CLEAR SIGNS Your Ex Is NOT Coming Back (Any Time Soon)

12 Signs Your Ex Is Friendly And Polite But Doesn’t Want You Back

This Is How Letting Go Of An Ex Helps You Get Back Your Ex

More from Love Doctor Yangki Akiteng
13 Anxious Attachment Behaviours That Turn Off Avoidants
13 common anxious attachment behaviours that explain why avoidants who showed interest...
Read More
Join the Conversation

49 Comments

  1. says: Fed

    My ex stopped responding after contacting me for 2 months straight. We have had no contact since August
    and at this point I have no hope that we will get back together and don’t fantasize about it like I used to. I would still be there for her if she felt that she needed me. This hurts sooooo much!

    1. Love Doctor Yangki AkitengLove Doctor Yangki Akitengsays: Love Doctor Yangki Akiteng

      Sometimes no response it a response in itself. But with everyone saying “do no contact”, your ex may be doing just that and will contact you again at some point. It sucks and it hurts.

      The best you can do for yourself is focus on you, and if she does reach out, see how you feel then… if you still want her back or are happier without her and want to keep it that way.

  2. says: Ashley

    Me and my ex have stayed friends. We never fought, but one day he said the love was just gone. He insists that he wants us to be friends, and even flirts with me on occasion. When I bring up getting back together, its a no go for him. But he keeps staying in touch, and insists that he doesn’t want me to not be his friend. Is he just selfish? I strongly believe that he just freaked out about taking the next step, and wanted to focus on his career, but when do I quit? It has been almost 8 months since he ended it, but I still love him.

    1. Love Doctor, Yangki AkitengLove Doctor, Yangki Akitengsays: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      I think that there is ‘something’ holding him back. May be you have not done enough to move him to a point where getting back together is an attractive proposition.

      Think of it this way, you are trying to sell someone something. They are saying no, but keep calling you (insists that he wants your in his life) AND shows interest in the product (flirting with you), a good sales person will ask himself, “What can I do to seal this deal?”, not think “he’s freaking out about taking the next step”. That kind of thinking is self-defeating. You are essentially saying, “there is nothing I can do”. his is why you feel like giving up.

  3. says: Jas

    Yangki, I’ve been trying to get my ex back for a year. We have times when we get very close then he pulls away saying he does not want to give me false hope. He has had one rebound but continued to have sex with me. She found out and broke it off. I am wondering if a year is too long to keep trying.

    1. Love Doctor, Yangki C. AkitengLove Doctor, Yangki C. Akitengsays: Love Doctor, Yangki C. Akiteng

      It does get harder to get back together with the passage of time, and I agree with you that a year does seem pretty long. That said, people do get back together after a year or more. It’s not about just how long you’ve been trying to get back together but WHAT you do in that time that makes all the difference.

      Many of the people I’ve seen that take a year or longer are 1) in denial (the relationship was over a long time ago), 2) are doing something wrong or 3) are too afraid to do anything that moves things forward.

  4. says: Jenna

    Your website is so helpful and spreads such a positive message. Thank you for helping those of us out there who need it.

  5. says: Sal

    I want to believe that we will get back together but everyone keeps telling me to just move on. This are the same people who told me the no contact strategy will make my ex miss me and want me back.

    I’ll take your advice and be optimistic that she’ll respond. I just feel so angry that I followed wrong advice and now may she does not want to hear from me.

    1. I don’t think being angry helps anything. The people who gave you the advice were most likely looking after what they thought was your best interest. They were more concerned about your emotional well-being than the two of you getting back together. Like most “No Contact” advocates, they were probably hoping that “No Contact” would help you heal and move on.

      At this point you have only 3 choices to choose from. You can wait for her to respond, call it quits now and move on or, contact her one more time and see if she responds.

  6. says: anthony

    Hi Yangki,
    I pushed too hard with my ex to the point she ignored me. We have been broken up now for 19 months now. I tried one last time to make contact, which i asked her via her mother since she knows our situation best if she was willing to meet up so i could apologise for the mistakes i made throughout our relationship. Unfortunately the response was no as she said it brings back too many memories and she still gets upset by it all. I made alot of mistakes and unfortunately have to learn the hard way but i thankyou for your wonderful site and great advice it has provided me with some great tools for personal growth.

    1. Love Doctor, Yangki C. AkitengLove Doctor, Yangki C. Akitengsays: Love Doctor, Yangki C. Akiteng

      I can only imagine how much it must hurt that she won’t talk to you at all. May be if instead of asking (via her mother) to meet in person, you’d tried to ease yourself back into her life first, it might have been different (just a thought). Asking to “meet” was probably too much too soon. A text or email here or there in the beginning makes a whole lot difference. Also mentioning “apologize” sometimes makes people unwilling to go through all the emotions again.

      You may still be dealing with all the raw emotions of the breakup but if she’s moved on from the painful emotions, I’m sure you can understand why she wouldn’t want to be dragged back into it.

      This may not have worked out, but your personal growth is not wasted. Keep your heart open, love has away of surprising us!

Leave a comment
Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *