When Is The Right Time To Ask My Ex To Get Back Together?

Question: When is the right time to ask my ex to get back together? Well, I believe it’s the right time but need confirmation from an expert.

We had a good relationship, no major disagreements and no cheating. Though we still love, admire and respect each other very much, we started to see life differently and needed to be apart. It was his decision to be apart. I bought your book and followed your advice. We stayed in contact and kept each other in the loop about our respective lives and personal growth. We’ve been seeing each other more and more. At first it was just me initiating all the meetings but the last three he asked me out and we had such a wonderful time.

In your book, you write that when someone is equally engaged is the time to bring up the topic of getting back together. Your advice has been very helpful so far and your guidance will be much appreciated. Thanks in advance.

Yangki’s Answer: I’m excited for you. I too think it is the right time to ask your ex to get back together.

A few questions though: Has the “old relationship” come up? And if so, how did it go, and specifically what was his reaction?

The reason I ask is because it’s possible for things to come this far; but the “issues” that led to the break-up still remain a minefield that could blow up everything. In other words, it’s possible to play up the good in the old relationship; and ignore or suppress the “not so good”. This is a huge mistake because it’ll be only a matter of time before stuff that’s been suppressed comes up; and things could go downhill really fast. And like I said in another post, the more you try and fail; the harder and harder it becomes to convince your ex that the relationship can work.

If there have been “hints” about the old relationship and things went well; then it means there is a high chance the two of you have turned a new leaf. If you haven’t at all mentioned the “old relationship”; you should before you talk about getting back together.

Don’t go too deep into the “old relationship” because he may not be ready for that yet. The goal is to test the waters before you jump in. Make sure you focus on YOU and the new you so that it doesn’t come across as you’re accusing; or blaming him for all the bad things that happened in the past. If that goes well, “test the waters” a few more times; just to make sure the first time wasn’t just a fluke.

Why “test the waters”? Why not just tell him how you feel?

I get that a lot from people who feel they “deserve” an answer from an ex and don’t like to hear “wait”. Most ignore my advice and sure enough, they go ahead and mess it all up.

If someone is not ready, they will feel they’re being “pressured” and say “no” when a little more time could have changed the answer to a “yes”.

Part of emotional intelligence is tuning in to other people’s emotions and meeting them at where they are as opposed to pushing them to where we want them to be. In my experience, and I write this in the book, sometimes the question of getting back together doesn’t even have to be asked directly. It’ll just seem like the right thing to do because you’ll find yourselves talking more about the future/the people you’ve become and less and less about the past/old relationship.

If you find that most of your conversations are mostly about the “old relationship”, then hold off the topic of getting back together. It means that you’re not yet on the other side of the breakup.

I hope I didn’t dampen your “excitement” and made it look like “this is not good”.  On the contrary, it’s very good, and what I just outlined is a necessary small step towards everything you wish for and want.

I have a good feeling about this– and this is from an “expert” with years of experience reuniting couples… 🙂

RELATED: This Is Why Your Ex Feels Pressured To Get Back Together

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  1. says: Jared

    2 a.m. xmas I received a text from my ex wishing me a happy xmas. She broke up with me in October and haven’t heard or seen her since. No contact was her idea, I respected her wishes. The 2 a.m. text was a surprise. I didn’t respond and less than 15 minutes later she sent another text saying she missed me and was thinking of me. A few minutes later another text saying she was an idiot for contacting me. What do you think is going on?

  2. says: Alexandra

    Yangki, my ex and I have been broken up for 7 months but remained as friends (I took your advice). We go out on none-dates as he calls it and quite frankly they’ve been the best dates we have ever had. So this weekend, we were hanging out and from out of the blue he asked if I ever think of us being a couple again. Again, I took the advice of my very wise coach 🙂 and was completely honest with him. He didn’t respond but the rest of the evening he was very affectionate and I saw that he looked at me as when we first started dating. Do you think he is thinking of getting back together, or too soon to tell?

    1. Love Doctor, Yangki AkitengLove Doctor, Yangki Akitengsays: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      Yes! Absolutely. If things continue to go well, I give it less than a month and you’ll be back together.

      I am happy for you… please keep us updated!

  3. says: Alvin

    I’ve been in contact with my ex for two weeks. I started NC but found your blog and reached out to her. She responded the next day but seemed genuinely happy to hear from me and we have been in contact since. Sunday I asked her if she would like to meet up for drinks. She told me that she does but is scared and asked if midweek is good. So we have plans to meet up on Thursday. Should I reach out to remind her? What if she cancels what so I do next?

    1. Love Doctor, Yangki C. AkitengLove Doctor, Yangki C. Akitengsays: Love Doctor, Yangki C. Akiteng

      It won’t hurt to remind her in your daily texts, but just once is enough. You don’t want to look like you are chasing a drinks-date. If she cancels, take it in stride and move forward without making a big deal of it.

      It may be too soon to be going out on “dates” and that’s why she was scared when you asked on Sunday. She didn’t say she does not want to go out with you, just scared. If she cancels give it time before asking again. It helps if you build up momentum before asking again. Lots of advice here on building emotional momentum.

  4. says: Ches

    I am glad I came across your site. Whenever I feel my emotions are taking charge and I am becoming impatient, I just go to your site and read all your advices and it instantly makes me feel better. Also, I was able to implement some of them to my current situation and slowly taking everything step-by-step each day (eg. stopping neediness and clinginess, giving the other person time to be with their friends and have their personal life). I hope you continuously give more advices to help people like me, to be able create a better, new and stronger relationship bond with our love ones.

  5. says: Marty

    I’m glad I read this. When I don’t bring up the old relationship our conversations are light and fun that’s until something is said that brings back the bad memories of the past. I usually try to change the topic but she will insist and from there things go downnhill. Sometimes we don’t speak for days after that. Reading this, I realize I need some more time before I can ask her if we can try being a couple again. This was very helpful. Thank you.

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