Here’s Why Fearful Avoidants Chase You Then Suddenly Stop

Why do fearful avoidant chase so hard in the beginning of the relationship, love-bomb, and even act needy and clingy – then just like that, they suddenly stop?

The answer is simple. Because fearful avoidants chase excitment and novelty –  and are drawn to intensity (at least in the beginning).

Because they struggle connecting with others, when they meet someone they connect with, they are genuinely excited to be able to connect with someone.

There is nothing fake about their excitement at this point. The feelings are real, the attraction is real and the desire to have a relationship is real. They’re excited about connection and work hard to “win you over”.

The intensity in the beginning mirrors their early experience of love

For most fearful avoidants, the  intense feelings, intense thoughts and intense relationships replicate their unpredictable, chaotic and inconsistent childhood experiences where:

1) They never knew what to expect from an attachment figure (and the anticipation was intense)

2) They sometimes had to do a lot of people pleasing (and groveling and fawning) to get their physical and emotional needs and/or avoid rejection, abandonment, neglect, punishment or abuse.

Because of these early experiences, “winning over” a caregiver who they perceived as “hard to get” and “hard to please” became a part of their attachment style. Even just thinking of “winning over” someone who is hard to get and hard to please raises the level of dopamine and creates that feeling of excitement.

The fearful avoidant attachement conflict: What they crave they also fear

But this is where it gets complicated. Fearful avoidants crave intensity – but like with all things they crave, fearful avoidants also fear and run away when things feel too intense.

In the beginning of the relationship, they’re craving for intensity is more than their fear it, but as the relationship begins to have signs of relationship threat (a misunderstanding, disagreement, an argument, criticism, pressure, a complaint etc.) the craving for intensity quickly shifts to the fear of it.

This shift can happen in a second and if you’re paying attention, you can see it happen like you’re watching a movie clip. One moment a fearful avoidant is all over you, touching you and promising you the world, then freeze and switch – they’re distant, won’t even touch you and have so many doubts about compatibility. And it’s not like a mild shift, it too is intense.

Once the shift happens, they’re bored with the relationship – and sometimes lose interest

Some fearful avoidant stay in the relationship for a while going through the motions but not excited about being in the relationship, and others immediately leave because they don’t find the relationship exciting anymore. They’ll go find someone else who provides them intensity, novelty and excitement. But we all know how that story too will play out.

To keep them from getting bored with the relationship or lose interest, you have to sustain the level of excitement to where it’s intense enough to create excitement but not too intense to overwhelm them. That’s they “happy” balance.

If they leave because they were bored or lost interest, it’s hard to get them to come back unless you raise their level of excitement to a point that the relationship almost feels like a new relationship. Ten you see them chase you again because you once again “new and exciting”.

But who they really go back to after a breakup

Fearful avoidants crave excitement and novelty, but need safety to stay in a relationship long term. Thi si why when thinking of coming back, they cycle back to the ex who made them feel the safest; not the one with whom they felt the most intensity

Why? Because they already experienced intensity and it scared them.

They’ll reminisce with fondness and longing for the ex they felt the most intensity with, but will seek out the one they felt the most safe with because safety is the only thing they wanted from their caregivers, and the only thing they never got or had.

Their feelings and thoughts about the “safe person” may not be as intense and the relationship itself may not be as intense, but it feels safe.

But just because the relationship feels safe doesn’t mean a fearful avoidant’s need and craving for intensity and novelty is gone – they’re just choosing to suppress their craving for intensity and novelty.

How long they can continue to choose safety over intensity and novelty depends on how long the relationship continues to feel safe. When the relationship begins to feel unsafe, a fearful avoidant will start to crave intensity and novelty.

Like before, them may stay in the relationship for a while going go through the motions but not excited about being in the relationship – or they immediately leave because they don’t find the relationship safe anymore.

The more self-aware a fearful avoidant is, the less intensity they can tolerate

How long a fearful avoidant will continue to choose safety over intensity and novelty also depends on their level of self-awareness.

Chasing after intensity, excitement and novelty is only rewarding to fearful avoidants who aren’t aware of their attachment trauma and it’s impact on their dating and relationship experiences. They will keep re-enacting their childhood trauma over and over for the reward they get from the thrill of the chase – but getting close and maintaining a relationship isn’t their goal.

More self-aware fearful avoidants are not comfortable anymore with re-enacting their childhood trauma and get turned off by someone who wants to be chased or who is hard to please.

So if you’re with a self-aware fearful avoidant, don’t try to make them chase you. It doesn’t matter if they’ve not done their self-work or healing, relieving their childhood trauma is just not something they want to do because it’s too painful – and because they are aware enough to know that chasing after someone always ends in disappointment, pain and hurt.

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