When Do You Stop Trying To Get Back Your Ex?

Anyone who has tried to get back their ex knows too well that this is not something you can achieve with a single action or random number of actions. It takes time, good strategic planning, and sometimes it’s one step forward and two backwards. Other times you feel like you’re getting mixed signals.

Many tend to give up after just one or two attempts and others stubbornly persist to the point of becoming so annoying that their ex is frightened of them — and even gets a restraining order.

When do you persist and refuse to take “no” for an answer, and when do you just quit and move on?

I personally believe that it all depends on a lot of factors. In some situations persistence pays off and in others, persistence can be a major turn off.

If for example, you try to reach out the first time and there is no response, try a couple more times. Your ex might be out of town or in a place he/she can’t call/text back. There are also people who take a “let’s see” approach because they don’t trust that you’ll follow through and not just give up. Kind of like a test. A little persistence may pay off.

But if after 3 or 4 attempts and still no response of any kind, then you get the message; they’re simply not interested. Someone who is interested will at least try to give you some encouragement to keep persisting.

If on the other hand, the response is rude, mean or says “leave me alone”(this is not the same as I need some space), no amount of persistence will pay off. It’s best to accept that it’s over and move on.

In some cases the response can be very random and far and in-between. In such situations the extent, manner, and frequency with which you persist has to be moderated by a realistic assessment of the situation and a commons sense approach. You can choose to be persistent sometimes and other times it’s best to step back, let go and allow things to be as they should. This is what I call “non-attached” persistence.

“Non-attached” persistence means that you’re 100% actively engaged in trying to get your ex back but your life and happiness is not dependent on things going the way you want them to. If you take two steps forward and get pushed a step back, that’s okay. You keep going until it’s very clear that there is no path ahead, then you give up.

Try it and see how far you can get. You just never know. Just keep your heart and mind open to the fact that it may go the way you want it to, and it may not.

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  • Me and my ex have stayed friends. We never fought, but one day he said the love was just gone. He insists that he wants us to be friends, and even flirts with me on occasion. When I bring up getting back together, its a no go for him. But he keeps staying in touch, and insists that he doesn’t want me to not be his friend. Is he just selfish? I strongly believe that he just freaked out about taking the next step, and wanted to focus on his career, but when do I quit? It has been almost 8 months since he ended it, but I still love him.

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    • I think that there is ‘something’ holding him back. May be you have not done enough to move him to a point where getting back together is an attractive proposition.

      Think of it this way, you are trying to sell someone something. They are saying no, but keep calling you (insists that he wants your in his life) AND shows interest in the product (flirting with you), a good sales person will ask himself, “What can I do to seal this deal?”, not think “he’s freaking out about taking the next step”. That kind of thinking is self-defeating. You are essentially saying, “there is nothing I can do”. his is why you feel like giving up.

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  • Yangki, I’ve been trying to get my ex back for a year. We have times when we get very close then he pulls away saying he does not want to give me false hope. He has had one rebound but continued to have sex with me. She found out and broke it off. I am wondering if a year is too long to keep trying.

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    • It does get harder to get back together with the passage of time, and I agree with you that a year does seem pretty long. That said, people do get back together after a year or more. It’s not about just how long you’ve been trying to get back together but WHAT you do in that time that makes all the difference.

      Many of the people I’ve seen that take a year or longer are 1) in denial (the relationship was over a long time ago), 2) are doing something wrong or 3) are too afraid to do anything that moves things forward.

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  • I want to believe that we will get back together but everyone keeps telling me to just move on. This are the same people who told me the no contact strategy will make my ex miss me and want me back.

    I’ll take your advice and be optimistic that she’ll respond. I just feel so angry that I followed wrong advice and now may she does not want to hear from me.

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    • I don’t think being angry helps anything. The people who gave you the advice were most likely looking after what they thought was your best interest. They were more concerned about your emotional well-being than the two of you getting back together. Like most “No Contact” advocates, they were probably hoping that “No Contact” would help you heal and move on.

      At this point you have only 3 choices to choose from. You can wait for her to respond, call it quits now and move on or, contact her one more time and see if she responds.

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  • Hi Yangki,
    I pushed too hard with my ex to the point she ignored me. We have been broken up now for 19 months now. I tried one last time to make contact, which i asked her via her mother since she knows our situation best if she was willing to meet up so i could apologise for the mistakes i made throughout our relationship. Unfortunately the response was no as she said it brings back too many memories and she still gets upset by it all. I made alot of mistakes and unfortunately have to learn the hard way but i thankyou for your wonderful site and great advice it has provided me with some great tools for personal growth.

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    • I can only imagine how much it must hurt that she won’t talk to you at all. May be if instead of asking (via her mother) to meet in person, you’d tried to ease yourself back into her life first, it might have been different (just a thought). Asking to “meet” was probably too much too soon. A text or email here or there in the beginning makes a whole lot difference. Also mentioning “apologize” sometimes makes people unwilling to go through all the emotions again.

      You may still be dealing with all the raw emotions of the breakup but if she’s moved on from the painful emotions, I’m sure you can understand why she wouldn’t want to be dragged back into it.

      This may not have worked out, but your personal growth is not wasted. Keep your heart open, love has away of surprising us!

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