When Do You Stop Trying To Get Back Your Ex? (And Give Up)

How do you know when to stop trying to get back with your ex? When do you know it’s time to give up on getting your ex back?

Anyone who has tried to get back their ex knows too well that this is not something you can achieve with a single action or random number of actions. It takes time, good strategic planning, and sometimes it’s one step forward and two backwards. Other times you feel like you’re getting mixed signals. That’s all part of trying to attract back an ex.

Many tend to give up after just one or two attempts. Others stubbornly persist to the point of becoming so annoying that their ex is frightened of them; and even gets a restraining order.

When do you persist and refuse to take “no” for an answer; and when do you give up on getting your ex back?

In my experience as a coach, it all depends on a lot of factors. In some situations persistence pays off and in others; persistence can be a major turn off. In some situations it’s your ex sending mixed signals; and in others it’s you refusing to accept reality.

There are many signs that your ex does not want you back, and I have attached a link to some of these signs at the bottom of the article. These 3 signs however definitively tell you it is time to give up on your ex.

1. Your ex has not responded to your 5 attempts to reach them

If you try to reach out the first time and there is no response, try a couple more times. Many exes do not respond the first or even third time. There are also exes who take a “let’s see” approach because they don’t trust that you’ll follow through; and not just give up. Kind of like a test. A little persistence may pay off.

But if after 3 or 4 attempts and still no response of any kind, then you get the message; they’re simply not interested. Someone who is interested will at least try to give you some encouragement to keep persisting.

2. Your ex wants you to leave them alone

If you tried to reach your ex a few times or tried to get them back and they tell you to “leave me alone”; it’s time to stop trying to get back your ex. They are making it very clear persistence is not going to pay off. It’s best to accept that it’s over and move on

This is not the same as when your ex says they need space or I need some space; which means there is still a chance. It may not be time to stop trying to get back with your ex, yet.

3. Your ex is in a relationship and it’s not a rebound

Your ex’s relationship may have started as a rebound, but if they’ve been together for over 6 months; and still going steady, it’s no longer a rebound.

Even if your ex is still responding to texts and keeping the lines of communication open; they are only doing it to be polite. Show yourself some respect and walk away. You are not giving up on getting back your ex; your ex gave up on you.

Letting go vs. giving up on trying to get back your ex

As mentioned earlier, when to persist and when do you give up on getting your ex back depends on a lot of factors. In some situations, the right action is to let go; not give up but let go.

Knowing the difference is very important if you are trying to attract back an avoidant ex. For example, with an avoidant, how quickly they respond isn’t always a good indicator of how they feel. When a relationship ends, most avoidants try to block all feelings of you, the relationship and the break-up. This may give you the impression they want you to leave them alone, when that’s not the case.

In some cases the response can be very random and far and in-between. In such situations the extent, manner, and frequency with which you persist has to be moderated by a realistic assessment of the situation; and a common sense approach. You can choose to be persistent sometimes and other times it’s best to step back; let go and allow things to be as they should. This is what I call “non-attached” persistence.

“Non-attached” persistence

“Non-attached” persistence means that you’re 100% actively engaged in trying to get your ex back; but your life and happiness is not dependent on things going the way you want them to. If you take two steps forward and get pushed a step back; that’s okay. You keep going until it’s very clear that there is no path ahead, then you give up.

Try it and see how far you can get. You just never know. Just keep your heart and mind open to the fact that it may go the way you want it to; and it may not.

RELATED:

10 CLEAR SIGNS Your Ex Is NOT Coming Back (Any Time Soon)

12 Signs Your Ex Is Friendly And Polite But Doesn’t Want You Back

This Is How Letting Go Of An Ex Helps You Get Back Your Ex

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49 Comments

  1. says: Jas

    Yangki, I’ve been trying to get my ex back for a year. We have times when we get very close then he pulls away saying he does not want to give me false hope. He has had one rebound but continued to have sex with me. She found out and broke it off. I am wondering if a year is too long to keep trying.

    1. says: Love Doctor, Yangki C. Akiteng

      It does get harder to get back together with the passage of time, and I agree with you that a year does seem pretty long. That said, people do get back together after a year or more. It’s not about just how long you’ve been trying to get back together but WHAT you do in that time that makes all the difference.

      Many of the people I’ve seen that take a year or longer are 1) in denial (the relationship was over a long time ago), 2) are doing something wrong or 3) are too afraid to do anything that moves things forward.

  2. says: Jenna

    Your website is so helpful and spreads such a positive message. Thank you for helping those of us out there who need it.

  3. says: Sal

    I want to believe that we will get back together but everyone keeps telling me to just move on. This are the same people who told me the no contact strategy will make my ex miss me and want me back.

    I’ll take your advice and be optimistic that she’ll respond. I just feel so angry that I followed wrong advice and now may she does not want to hear from me.

    1. I don’t think being angry helps anything. The people who gave you the advice were most likely looking after what they thought was your best interest. They were more concerned about your emotional well-being than the two of you getting back together. Like most “No Contact” advocates, they were probably hoping that “No Contact” would help you heal and move on.

      At this point you have only 3 choices to choose from. You can wait for her to respond, call it quits now and move on or, contact her one more time and see if she responds.

  4. says: anthony

    Hi Yangki,
    I pushed too hard with my ex to the point she ignored me. We have been broken up now for 19 months now. I tried one last time to make contact, which i asked her via her mother since she knows our situation best if she was willing to meet up so i could apologise for the mistakes i made throughout our relationship. Unfortunately the response was no as she said it brings back too many memories and she still gets upset by it all. I made alot of mistakes and unfortunately have to learn the hard way but i thankyou for your wonderful site and great advice it has provided me with some great tools for personal growth.

    1. says: Love Doctor, Yangki C. Akiteng

      I can only imagine how much it must hurt that she won’t talk to you at all. May be if instead of asking (via her mother) to meet in person, you’d tried to ease yourself back into her life first, it might have been different (just a thought). Asking to “meet” was probably too much too soon. A text or email here or there in the beginning makes a whole lot difference. Also mentioning “apologize” sometimes makes people unwilling to go through all the emotions again.

      You may still be dealing with all the raw emotions of the breakup but if she’s moved on from the painful emotions, I’m sure you can understand why she wouldn’t want to be dragged back into it.

      This may not have worked out, but your personal growth is not wasted. Keep your heart open, love has away of surprising us!

  5. says: Daniel

    So if she said “Please leave me alone. I dont want to have comunication with you. I feel like i dont know you anymore. I dont know what you are trying to achieve with everything you do. leave our friends alone and forget about me. I am in another road and I feel very good with what i am living. I never wanted it to end this way but you leave me no other choice”. She was my girlfriend for 10 years we were planning to get married. We move to europe together, one day she went back to visit and never came back. I was devastated I want to get in touch with her again. What can I do.

    1. What else do you think you can do but leave her alone? Sometimes the “pushing” and forcing things to work in your way, time and schedule ends up making things worse. The part about “forget about me” and “you leave me no other choice” says you’ve pushed hard and she’s more frustrated or even angry with you now than she was when the two of you broke up.

      Stop pushing. 10 years is a long time and if you made good of those years, it’ll be hard for her to just walk away and not look back. You may still have a chance — I said “may” because I do not know the details of your relationship, the circumstances around your breakup and what you’ve done to try to get her back. But I do know that if you go along this “I’m devastated I want to get in touch with her again” way of doing things, the 10 years will mean nothing.

      Just leave her alone. Let go. Not give up, but let go.

  6. says: Randy

    We broke up due to a little misunderstanding. She hasn’t deleted me on social networks and still replies to my texts. Even though she says nothing that’s promising. Do you think i have a chance?

    1. says: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      Not deleting you on social media and replying to your texts says she open to communicating and to having you in her life, it doesn’t say much about whether you have a chance or not.

      In my book, as long as the lines of communication are open, anything is possible if 1) there is still love to build on, 2) the reason for the break-up no longer exists/things have changed, and 3) if you use the opportunity wisely to move things forward and create a better relationship.

  7. says: Alex32

    Yangki, I’ve been coming back to your site everyday for the last 7 days and your articles have made me realize I am immature and have personal issues I needed to deal with. All in all, she’s moved on and not interested in talking to me anymore. I still love and miss her but I also know that our relationship wasn’t a waste because I learned so much.

    Thank you for the wise words, because of you I will in the future be able to build a stronger and happier relationship.

  8. says: Joyce

    Yangki, I wish I had found this site earlier. He ended things back in March because I was needy and he could not make me happy. Said he still loved me but cannot be with me. He asked that we stay in contact but I said I couldn’t do it. So three weeks ago I reached out to him. He said he heard things I said about him and it upset him. I asked if he still loves me and he said yes but it’s best if we go our separate ways. I know he still loves me and has told several people but for now I think I have come to the end of the road. What do you think?

    1. I agree. For now you have to let go. There is a difference between letting go and giving up: How Letting Go Helps Get Back Your Ex

      Even as you let go, keep in mind that when it comes to love, nothing is ever written in stone. Relationships end, but sometimes love lingers on for months and years and at the right time and under the right conditions it can spring up again.

      The reason many don’t get back their ex is because they assume if it’s not working in their timeline, it’ll never work.

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