Having a partner with whom we can have a real healthy connection with, emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, socially and sexually is an incredible gift, in my opinion. To be that partner is however, a challenge for many of us. Most of us still do not know how to celebrate and honour all these parts of the Self, especially our sexuality.
Knowing your unique needs and the needs of your sexual partner can be very enlightening. See if you can find a little bit or a lot of yourself in each of these characters – and I am sure you will recognize an ex or a present partner in one or many of these characters.
This is not about accusations and excuses but rather the realities necessary to understand the developing self and current struggles. The important thing when looking at these sexual styles is not to try to figure out which sexual type you or someone is, but rather to use this knowledge to improve your sexual relationships. Pay attention to how your own sexual style and behaviour makes your partner feel about themselves and the relationship… because your sexual style may be hurting your relationships.
1. The Bedroom Cop
The Bedroom Cop is what we would call a typical control freak. They often feel that they were put on this earth to “put others in their place” and feel obligated to tell others what is ‘right’ and what is “wrong”. They tend to think their views, their families, relationships or career are what everyone should emulate and do not hesitate flaunting them in public for everyone to copy. They are often critical and demanding, always giving orders and making up rules. They can be very picky, impatient and judgmental; constantly giving advice, correcting or “mothering” others.
Inside the bedroom: When you have sex with a Bedroom Cop, you will get so many directions and instructions on what he/she likes and doesn’t like. They will tell you how you should feel and respond, and they may demonstrate to you how they want you to do it to them, and ask you to do exactly the way they do it. You make one “wrong” move and he/she just stops and refuses to continue. The worst part is that there are so many instructions that you never seem to remember what they like or don’t like. You feel pressured, controlled and inadequate every time.
If you are a Bedroom Cop what you need to do is learn to trust others more, and allow others to see the vulnerable side of you. Practice lying still and let your partner seduce, caress and love you without being told how. Politely and lovingly let him/her know what pleases you, but more importantly surrender “control” – and you will find that sex is actually fun.
2. The Bedroom Beast
The Bedroom Beast usually talks loudly – and dirty. They are the sort of people who are all over the place and are either disillusioned that others really like them, or do not care if they are liked or not. They have a strong need to dominate others and to be in charge of things. They may appear very controlled but are cynical and temperamental, and easily explode into anger when their authority or intelligence is challenged. They can be very vindictive and manipulative. They aren’t necessarily angry at the opposite sex, it’s just that they confuse aggression and chaos with passion and spontaneity.
Inside the bedroom: When you have sex with a Bedroom Beast, you are not sure whether you are being loved or devoured. His/her panting, grabbing, slapping, scratching, biting, pushing, pulling and bestial noises or “dirty talk” reduces the sex act to its very basic animal level. You are left frightened, distrustful, unsatisfied and angry but not sure why.
If you are a Bedroom Beast what you need to learn is to think of the bedroom as more than just a jungle, and sex as more than survival of the fittest. Humanity has come a long way from the big-bang, so try to ‘tame the beast” by asking your partner to help stop you when you start acting ‘beast -like” – and you will find that sex with sensitivity is more organically delicious.
3. The Bedroom Martyr
The Bedroom Martyr lives with a victim mentality. They are always telling “poor me” stories and blaming others for everything that has happened to them. They don’t believe they are lovable or worthwhile and find it difficult to express their needs or ask for what they want. They’ve never had satisfying bedroom experiences and feel used and taken advantage of all the time (and they are).
Inside the bedroom: When you have sex with a Bedroom Martyr you sense that “something” in not right but however much you ask, he/she will never tell. The only way they try to let you know what is happening is when you try to be intimate, their first reaction is to freeze and just lie there motionless. Kind of like “take what you want, but please don’t hurt me”. At some point, you sort of start feeling resentful because you can’t read his/her mind, and guilty for what feels like taking ‘advantage” of someone.
If you are a Bedroom Martyr what you need to do is quit dreaming that one day you’ll meet a man or woman who will know just what you want and will be the perfect lover. Learn to “speak up and ask” for what you want; own your power, work on improving your self-esteem and take responsibility for creating your own reality – and you will find that sex does really feel like a dream (come true!).
4. The Bedroom Procrastinator
The Bedroom Procrastinator avoids doing things he/she needs to do or deal with and hates being told what to do. They ask for advice, make goals and promises but never actually get to carry them out. They are usually very rational and reasonable and take themselves seriously, but it’s all talk and no action most of the time.
Inside the bedroom: If (I said “if”) you ever get to have sex with a Bedroom Procrastinator, consider yourself one of the most patient people on earth, because by the time you get to actually have sex with this character, you’ll have heard all kinds of logical explanations as to how the mood, timing and the place is just not right. But even during sex, they will find little problems to interrupt or force you to stop. You are left feeling controlled, neglected, desperate and angry.
If you are a Bedroom Procrastinator what you need to learn is to live in the present, not the painful past or feared future. You do not have to be perfect, just more flexible and less selfish. Let a little joy and fun into your life – and you will find out just how much you love sex and can’t wait to get some.
5. The Bedroom Glutton
The Bedroom Glutton is a professional at enjoying him/herself. Bedroom Gluttons have low tolerance to pain or suffering and are often prone to addictive behaviours. They usually seek out adult toys to play with and when they find something that gives them pleasure; food, alcohol, drugs etc. they get completely lost in sensation, oblivious of the people and everything around them.
Inside the bedroom: When you have sex with a Bedroom Glutton you get the feeling you are just a toy for their pleasure. If you try to get some for yourself, they motion for you to stop interfering with their pleasure, paying no attention whatsoever to your feelings. While you feel “high and dry” he/she is in his/her pleasure world. You are left feeling left out, unimportant, unloved and angry at being used.
If you are a Bedroom Glutton what you need to learn is to give to others, to find joy in seeing others happy and increase your sensitivity to other’s feelings. Practice setting aside time with your partner just to lie in bed without having sex, but just talking about feelings, the past, dreams etc. Then put your partner’s needs first by giving them pleasure before they give you – and you will find it more fun to have sex with someone else and not just by yourself.
6. The Bedroom Performer
The Bedroom Performer is wildly enthusiastic about everything. Everything and everyone is always fantastic, wonderful, amazing, fabulous, great, brilliant etc. When you meet this character you are almost sure he/she is the most passionate person you’ve ever met, yet you get a feeling that there is something “fake” about his/her passion. You’re probably right. Bedroom Performers are people who want to get close to others, but tend to be so anxious about intimacy that they often scare others away.
Inside the bedroom: When you have sex with a Bedroom Performer you get the feeling they are putting on a show. They make a lot of noise, do this and do that, frequently changing positions and telling you over and over how fantastic, wonderful, amazing, fabulous, great, brilliant etc., it is. They’ll even insist sex is better in front of a mirror because they want to watch themselves perform. Their “pleasure” seems so exaggerated that you are not sure whether it is sex or their performance that they like so much. You are left feeling used, mistrustful and even resentful.
If you are a Bedroom Performer what you need to learn is that you do not have to perform to be noticed, appreciated or loved. Trust others to be able to see your inner self and to love you even when you are not “on”. Relax and let passion overtake you naturally – and you’ll discover just how raw and mind-blowing sex can be.
7. The Bedroom Intellectual
The Bedroom Intellectual is sensitive, logical and eloquent. They are usually spiritual and philosophical, and are passionate about the protection of the environment, cruelty against animals and world poverty. They desperately want fairness and goodness for everyone and in everything because their past experiences have been the opposite. They may be deluded that their work, relationships and life are perfect and are afraid to look at life honestly because they fear that their positive outlook may collapse.
Inside the bedroom: When you have sex with a Bedroom Intellectual, be prepared to enjoy it not once, but twice. First, when you hear about the great and wonderful act of sex, and and again when you hear a recounting of the just concluded magical experience. He/she will tell you how sex with you is better than all the others and what a wonderful lover you are. You find yourself pressured to perform to just to keep up with their ideas about sex. And if you complain or show any signs of dissatisfaction, you’ll be made to feel like you are intellectually inferior, that’s why you just don’t get it. Their “sex is all in the mind” claims leave you feeling inadequate and mistrustful of their claims.
If you are a Bedroom Idealist what you need to is get out of your head, learn is to accept imperfection in yourself and in others, and stop trying so hard to make things perfect by force or will. Learn to be flexible, realistic and let things be – and you will find out that sex can really be good and magical.
8. The Bedroom Pleaser
The Bedroom Pleaser is usually sweet, cheerful, enthusiastic and nice to everyone. They have a tendency to confuse love with pity, and a tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue. They are overly dependent on the approval of members of their family, spouse, friends, colleagues and even strangers. They will go to any lengths and overboard to please and then stand there silently with a “so?” look on their face. They can easily be manipulated because Bedroom Pleasers have a hard time saying “no’ to requests outside and inside of the bedroom.
Inside the bedroom: When you have sex with a Bedroom Pleaser, you will feel wonderful (at first) because they come across as the super lover. They ask “Do you like this”, “Am I pleasing you?” etc. They even go to the lengths of apologizing if you say you did not like that. After a while you start feeling selfish and guilty. You sense their desperation and need to please and feel obligated to him/her, but at the same time feel controlled by their neediness.
If you are a Bedroom Pleaser what you need to learn is that you do not have to please to be loved and that you deserve to be loved just the way you are. Work on your self-esteem and self confidence. Learn to relax and trust in the power of love – and you will find out that sex can become love “making”, but only if you allow it to be.
9. The Bedroom Corpse
The Bedroom Corpse is an expert at repressing his/her feelings. They appear cool, calm and collected on the outside but deep inside they are anxious, worried, and fearful. Many have suffered a lot of hurt, pain, frustration and have been abused as children or by their bedroom partners. They often find it difficult to trust others and to self-disclose. They don’t easily forgive and never forget. Even if they openly don’t say it, you get the feeling talking to them that they are so angry at the opposite sex.
Inside the bedroom: A Bedroom Corpse’s idea of sex is you playing “sex psychic”. They never show emotion or say a word before, during or after sex. Its up to you to guess how they are feeling or if they like sex with you. Its up to you to figure out what they want – or if they even like you. If you ask them if they like something, the best they can come up with is ‘Its fine” or “It’s alright”. You are left feeling inadequate, frustrated and even angry at them.
If you are a Bedroom Corpse what you need to learn is to take risks and communicate your feelings. You have the right to be angry about something in the past but you shouldn’t allow your anger to stop you from experiencing life. Learn to forgive others and stop holding onto past wrongs – and you will find sex more freeing and healing.
10. The Bedroom Tease
The Bedroom Tease is the kind of man or woman who looks at your partner and makes them wish they were single. They just love to advertise how “super-sexy” they are – and they dress and walk the part. Their whole idea of life is superficial – clothes, money, houses, status etc.. They have a habit of name-dropping or mentioning their connections to famous, rich and powerful people. They are very competitive with members of the same sex and are usually very jealous and possessive people. The Bedroom Tease also has problems opening up and making commitments to another person.
Inside the bedroom: Forget the bedroom – a Bedroom Tease comes on very strong and aggressive, turning you on and driving you crazy with his/her tease act. But as soon as there is a possibility that sex might actually take place, the sexy, hot and wild image disappears. They start giving excuses or find something else to do so that they can tease you some more. And if you actually manage to have sex with this character – you will be very disappointed. A Bedroom Tease is turned on by the idea of being wild and sexy, but not by the actual act of sex itself. You find yourself feeling humiliated, used, manipulated and angry.
If you are a Bedroom Tease what you need to learn is to let go of your need to use sex as a control/power tool. Drop the “tease” act, cultivate and inner beauty and connect with the deeper meaning of life. Allow others to see the real you – and you will find out that good sex can actually make you feel good about yourself – and good sex does make you feel genuinely sexy.
Conclusion: I believe that there is no “right” or “wrong” way of making love. Sex is “good” when it makes both of your feel good about yourselves and about the relationship, and it is ‘bad” when it leaves you unhappy and adds to your negative feelings about yourself, your partner or about relationships.
The good news is that there is something you can always do to become the lover you are capable of being. It is in everyone of us, we’re all super lovers. What you need first and foremost is deep insights into the unique, creative and ultimately mysterious being you are. Second you need an intuitive understanding of the intricate dynamics of masculine-feminine energies. Learning specific techniques is NOT enough, you need sexual confidence and an understanding of what creates a deep connection and smoldering passion.