One of you readers asked “There are so many programs on getting back your ex, what do you recommend and what in your opinion is the best program?”
The ego in me would have said “Mine of course, dah...”
The only problem with that is that I do not have a “program” “method”, system” or whatever else others are selling.
I prefer to refer to what I advice and teach as “a process” rather than a program, method or system.
What is the difference you might ask.
Many of the get your ex back programs, methods or systems focus on very specific steps, actions or words that you must follow whether it makes sense or not and whether it works for your situation and relationship or not. The idea is that if you follow the steps correctly, you will get back your ex back.
But as many of you who’ve tried getting back your ex know, human emotions just aren’t that organized, let alone predictable.
Today you think you’ve made progress, and next day it’s back to zero. And just when you think all hope is lost, suddenly your ex wants to get close again.
If you are invested in following a program, method or system you’ll find yourself doing the motions and missing the emotions, being mechanical instead of being present. You miss opportunities to connect because you are focused on how much contact is too much or too little, who is initiating more contact and how long it takes for an ex to respond etc.
You spend (waste) so much time “micromanaging contact” instead of doing what attracts back your ex.
I chose the word ‘process” because I didn’t want people using my advice to think that they have to contact their ex a certain number of times, say certain words or take certain actions to attract their ex back.
I wanted the focus to be on creating a secure environment for feelings of attraction and love to develop organically. At the end of the day, people fall in love because of how you make them FEEL and not because you contacted them a specific number of times, waited a specific number of minutes to respond, sent them a video or care package, wore a new shirt or changed your hairstyle.
I also wanted the focus to be on you, your ex and your relationship rather than a “program” “method” or system”.
Don’t get me wrong. I understand that there are some people who need the kind of instructions you get on a medicine bottle: Take two tablets three times a day for two weeks. Then take one tablet every other day for two more weeks. Don’t take medication for more than 8 weeks. Consult your doctor if you experience vomiting, diarrhea etc.
You don’t have to know or even understand why you should take two tablets three times a day for two weeks. All you have to do is follow the instructions on the bottle.
This is what some people expect from advice on getting their ex back. All you have to do is follow the “program” “method” or system”…
While “programs”, “methods” or “systems” simplify things, they trivialize what it means to love someone.
- They don’t take into account the fact that each ex is a unique individuals and each relationship is different. For example exes with anxious-preoccupied attachment want more contact and dismissive-avoidant exes want less contact. Where both exes have attachment anxiety, more contact is needed to feel connected and to fall in love, while exes who both have attachment avoidance may need to contact each other less to avoid feeling overwhelmed and triggering a flight response.
- There is no room for being authentically yourself, learning from your mistakes and acquiring new skills along the way. It’s no surprise that people who need “programs” “methods” or systems” also don’t have the best relationship skills.
My point is, there is more to attracting back your ex than following steps, saying certain words or taking certain actions.
In my experience, about 40% of your success depends on if there are love feelings left to build the new relationship on, 40% depends on how much personal work you’ve done on yourself, and only 20% of your success is from the advice you get from “experts” like me.
If you are hanging your hopes on a “program” “method” or system”, you are hanging your hopes on a 20% chance of successfully getting back together with your ex. That’s not much of a chance.
So use my advice as a “resource” to improve, expand and enhance your thought process, actions and responses etc. because at the end of the day, 40% of your success depends on you.