One of you readers asked “There are so many programs on getting back your ex, what do you recommend and what in your opinion is the best program?”
The ego in me would have said “Mine of course, dah...”
The only problem with that is that I do not have a “program” on getting back your ex. I have a book and I have advice. I do not have a “program”
I prefer to refer to what I advice and teach as “a process” rather than a program.
What is the difference you might ask.
Program: a planned series of future events, items, or performances arranged according to a plan or schedule.
Process: a series of actions or steps taken in order to achieve a particular end.
As someone who has been helping men and women get back together for years, the idea that getting your ex back can be “arranged according to a schedule” isn’t even close to realistic.
And many of you who’ve tried getting back your ex know that nothing about getting back your ex works according to a schedule. Human emotions just aren’t that organized, let alone predictable.
Today you think you’ve made progress, and next day it’s back to zero. And just when you think all hope is lost, suddenly your ex wants to get close again.
How do you follow “a planned series of future events… arranged according to a plan or schedule” when there is always something completely unpredictable waiting around the corner?
The idea of this as a “process” in my opinion allows you to be flexible. It gives room for you to tweak your responses and actions as the situations requires (or even completely change course), to keep taking necessary steps until you achieve a particular end (get back your ex).
Lately however, I have been rethinking my use of the word “process” as I see more and more readers and even clients focus too much on “the process” like it’s some kind of ‘magical’ solution.
“Magical solutions” was the very thing I was trying to change when I wrote my book and started this blog.
It seemed to me that it was all what get your ex back “experts” were selling, and it bothered me that many people believed that if they followed a set of “rules” to a t, everything will magically work itself out.
Don’t get me wrong. I understand that there are some people who are more comfortable with the kind of instructions you get on a medicine bottle: Take one tablet three times a day, for two weeks. Consult your doctor if you experience vomiting, diarrhea etc.
You don’t have to think or even understand why you should take one tablet three times a day, for two weeks. All you have to do is follow the instructions on the bottle.
This is what some people expect from advice on getting their ex back. All you have to do is follow the “rules” or stick to a program.
While “rules”, “programs” or “methods” simplify things for us, they complicate how we relate to the people we love, don’t permit us to love and be loved with full abandon, to be authentically ourselves, learn from our mistakes and acquire new skills.
Deep inside we may want to loosen up, take it easy and go with the flow, but what we end up doing is become rigid and uncompromising because we are following some “guru’s” “rules”, “programs” or “methods” like a religion.
We forget that the reason we love someone to the exclusion of all others is because he/she is a unique individual with a unique past, dreams, desires, preferences, likes, dislikes, wants and needs etc. Instead of treating him/her like the unique individual he/she is, we rely on generalizations like women like this, or men like that, or extroverts act like this, or extroverts prefer that, then have the nerve to act surprised that this person we love isn’t typically responding like men or women should, or extroverts or introverts do.
This is when advice that requires you to apply yourself, use your own brain and formulate your own responses/actions will seem like an endless maze with no beginning or end.
I don’t want to be anyone’s “guru”. What I want is for people to think for themselves, and only use my advice as a “resource” to improve, expand and enhance their thought process, actions and responses etc.
That is why you don’t get blanket advice like “do 30 days of no contact”. There is nothing magical about no contact or the number of days you do it; just a bunch of rules for those that follow things blindly and/or too lazy to think for themselves.
You also will not find advice like “go to the gym” or “update you wardrobe” or something equally superficial. If you didn’t let yourself go and how you look wasn’t the reason you broke up, buffing or toning up and looking good isn’t going to change your ex’s mind. If how you look was all was needed to attract or keep someone, Halle Berry wouldn’t be in her third divorce.
My point is, there is more to getting your ex back and more to cultivating a healthy strong and lasting relationship than a bunch of ‘rules”, or than learning the “terminology”.
In my experience, about 40% of your success depends on if there are love feelings left of the old relationship, 40% depends on how much personal work you’ve done on yourself, and only 20% of your success is from the advice you get from “experts” like me.
If you are just following a bunch of ‘rules’ or too preoccupied with the “process” and not applying yourself, chances are you will not get back your ex.
Programs or processes don’t get back your ex. YOU get back your ex. So again, use my advice as a “resource” to improve, expand and enhance your thought process, actions and responses etc. because at the end of the day, 40% of your success depends on you.