Is There Progress Or Is Your Avoidant Ex Stringing You Along?

If you’ve been reading my articles by now you probably are aware that getting back an avoidant ex is not as simple as having a “clearing the air,” conversation and its auto cruise from there onwards.

There are many stages to go through and at every stage, there will come a point where you start wondering, “Have we stalled? Are they just stringing me along?”

Even for people who have it pretty easy — things can be going well over text, warm energy the conversations flow, they reply within minutes, they initiate contact playful messages, they even flirt sometimes. But when it comes to meeting in person or deepening the emotional connection, thing flatline for weeks or even months. You feel stuck — and there seems to be no way forward.

Before assuming the connection has hit a dead end, it’s important to understand what’s actually happening when an avoidant ex “fails to progress.”

1. Progress is measured by comfort and safety

Avoidants don’t experience progress the same way someone with an anxious or secure attachment style does. Where you might see forward movement — openness, deeper communication, or meeting in person — as progress, an avoidant measures progress in terms of comfort and safety.

So while it may feel like nothing is changing, your avoidant ex might actually feel that things are going better than before simply because communication is light, stable, and non-confrontational. To them, that is progress; they feel comfort and safety.

2. Forward movement without safety and stability is risky

In the avoidant world, stability is much more important than forward movement — not because they don’t care about forward movement but because forward movement without safety and stability means vulnerability, expectations, and potential loss of control.

In other words, sometimes what looks to you like “stuck” may actually be your avoidant ex assessing safety and their comfort level with connection. What you interpret as “we’re not moving forward” might actually mean they’ve hit a pause to prevent emotional overload, expectations, and potential loss of control.

This is something you will experience at every stage of the process. They linger in each stage testing comfort levels before taking the next step. They’re not ignoring progress, they’re protecting themselves from expectations, and potential loss of control.

So instead of asking, “Why aren’t we moving forward?” or “Why aren’t things progressing?” Try asking, “What does this stage need to feel safer for both of us?” Maybe:

1. Your tone changed from light to personal or emotional

Avoidants, especially fearful avoidants are hypersensitive to emotional shifts. Even small changes can trigger their defences.

2. Things started moving too fast

Maybe you started reaching out too often or maybe you started checking in more. When things start moving forward even slightly, avoidants begin to subconsciously test whether it’s truly safe to maintain that connection or if it will lead to pressure, expectations, or conflict.

3. They reached their emotional limit

Avoidants have a smaller window of tolerance for emotional intimacy. Once texting starts feeling emotionally charged or “too close,” they unconsciously pull back to restore equilibrium.

4. The connection started to feel like the old relationship

If the relationship ended painfully, the closer things get to resembling a relationship again, the more their fear of the past repeating itself grows.

All the above can cause an avoidant to hit a pause — which them feels like stagnation.

What things feeling stalled and stuck might point to

That said, sometimes you can reach a stage in the process and genuinely stagnate. For example, contact stays surface-level for months, or (common with fearful avoidants and one of their most confusing behaviours) everything in your dynamic feels like you are back together but they keep saying things that suggest they don’t think you are back together – and may even never get back together.

In this case, the stagnation usually points to one of three things:

1. They’re comfortable with the connection as it is (companionship without commitment).
2. Their avoidant defences are still stronger than their desire to reconnect.
3. The emotional safety required for the next stage hasn’t yet been established.

None of these means it’s over, but they point to something in your dynamic needing to adjust to create more safety and comfort level – before your avoidant ex can take the next step.

This might mean:

• Shifting your focus from measuring progress to measuring safety.
• Changing the energy of your interactions from “let’s move forward” to “let’s just enjoy where we are.”
• Stepping back slightly from over-functioning and over-extending to compensate for their lack of emotional investment to building comfort and consistency.

Safety and comfort level is the foundation everything else rests on

You might also want to check with yourself—your needs and your expectations. Sometimes what feels like “stagnation” may actually be your own need for deeper connection sounding the alarm. Ask yourself if the current level of connection truly feels good to you, or if you’re hoping they’ll validate your need for progress by investing a little more effort.

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