What Your Ex Means By A Relationship With You Can’t Work

Almost everyone trying to attract back their ex knows that it is best to “let things happen organically”. But even for the most laid back and most patient of us, there comes a time when you want to “hurry” things up a little.

The lines of communication are open, contact is regular, there is emotional connection and you are even going out on dates, but your ex just doesn’t seem able to make up their mind. You get the feeling that they’re struggling with something; and that something is holding them back from taking that next step to get back together

As tempting as it is to want to “hurry” things up a little, don’t. My experience has been that when you push an ex to make a decision they are not ready to make, the decision they make will not be in your favour.

The best thing you can do in a situation like this is determine if your ex’s difficulty making up their mind is because they think it can’t work between the two of you, or if they think the relationship will not work.

There is a difference between “it can’t work” and “it will not work”, and this difference may well be that little thing you need for it to “click”.

Your ex says it WILL NOT work

When your ex says the relationship “will not work”, they are choosing not to give the relationship another chance. What they are saying to you is “I could, if I wanted to, but I’m choosing not to”.

In my experience, someone will often “choose” not to give the relationship another chance because they’re judging you based on what they knew about you before the break-up — behaviours, habits, preferences, interests etc. Changing “I won’t” to “I want” not only means changing the old perception your ex has of you, but also convincing your ex that there is more you bring to the relationship this time around, and that the additional value will be worth it for them.

Your ex says it CAN’T work

When your ex says “it can’t work” between the two of you, they’re saying that there are differences between the two of you that can’t be resolved or reconciled. They’ve most likely thought about it over and over and as much as they love and care bout you, they believe that the relationship simply can’t work. It maybe that you have two very different personalities, you are in different places in your lives, your goals have changed over time, or you are not the person they thought you were.

Sometimes it has nothing to do with you, it’s just a feeling or belief your ex has. Your ex will tell you, “You are perfect just the way you are” or “” there is nothing I’d ask you to change about you” or “I see that you have changed a lot, and I am proud of you, but….”

Over the years, I have found that it is much harder to convince an ex that you are right for them if they strongly believe there is nothing that can be done to reconcile your differences or make the relationship work.

Harder in my book however doesn’t mean impossible. There have been cases where an ex said there is nothing my client can do that will convince them that the relationship can work and ended up changing their mind.

What helped is break down what an ex believes are irreconcilable difference into to wants and needs and coming up with solutions that address each of these wants and needs.

RELATED: What To Do When Your Ex Loves You But Doesn’t Want To Be With You

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20 Comments

  1. says: Anne

    Hi Yangki, thank you for site and book, Dating Your Ex. I cannot even tell you how perfect the timing was for me to discover all of it. I have been working on myself for the past 6 months. My husband and I have been separated for almost year – he’s the one who left. When I’ve previously mentioned reconciliation, his response was not seeing a future together, to then not being sure and more recently that I deserve better than to be with someone who might be bitter. His recent response has me a little puzzled, because I don’t know what to do to help him overcome bitterness towards me?

    1. says: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      You have been separated for a year, I need a little more information about your situation to be able to give the best advice. Please consider signing up for one-on-one phone coaching.

  2. says: Amy

    We are still keeping in touch ever since and sometimes call each other endearing names we used while we were together. However he has told me a week after the split that he realized he needs to be alone and he doesn’t want to give me false hope that we will eventually be together again. It makes things even more difficult when we are both in different countries. Do you think it’s worth putting in the effort to change his mind? Thank you so much for all that you do Yangki, your work has helped me a lot in a journey of self healing and emotional growth.

    1. says: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      I am humbled by your kind words, and happy to have been of some help in your healing and growth.

      Whether it is worth putting in more effort or not is a decision only you can make. I don’t think it’s a good idea to outsource to me or anyone a decision that is about your heart and/or life because the only person who’ll have to live with the decision is YOU.

  3. says: Norri

    My ex and I broke up almost 2 months ago but since then we’ve seen each other four times and been intimate twice. I would say things are good between us. He says he loves me but he’s scared of getting back together out of fear that we won’t work out. After reading your book and articles I realized that I rushed things and haven’t shown him enough how the relationship can be different. So now I’m resetting the pace and doing more to show him the changes. I hope this is the right thing to do. What do you think?

    1. says: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      Yes, it’s the right thing to do.

      Sometimes when someone thinks it won’t work out, it is because you have continued with the old relationship. Use the advice on making things FEEL new to create a different tone to the relationship.

      Showing him the changes and making things FEEL new should speed up the process.

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