What To Do With Fearful Avoidant Ex Scared Of Coming Back

I’ve worked with so many cases where we go from random contact to a fearful avoidant ex actually saying the words “I want to get back together” followed by “But, I need time” or “But, I want to be sure”. These cases are easier to work with because we know what to do. If they want time, give them more time, and if they want to be sure, understand why they are not sure and see what more needs to be done so they’re sure. Maybe they need to be sure they can trust you, things will not go back to before, you’ve changed/they’ve changed, you’re right for them/they’re right for you etc.

The more challenging cases are when a fearful avoidants says they want to get back together but they’re scared. Trying to convince them that they have nothing to be afraid will feel like pressure or even dismissing their feelings and fears.

What do you know when a fearful avoidant wants to get back together but is scared and afraid?

1. Keep the lines of communication open

Open lines of communication are crucial and not just open lines of communication but safe clear, transparent, honest, no pressure communication. You need this because this is about your life too, and you deserve to know what’s going on so you can make sound decisions for yourself.

2. Validate their fear

If they share with you that they want to get back together but are afraid, do not try to talk them out of their fears, like I said above, trying to convince a fearful avoidant that they have nothing to fear is a waste of time, and sometimes backfires triggering the behaviours I describe above. Instead validate their fears and let them know making a decision as serious as getting back together is scary. But don’t say that you’re scared too (in attempt to empathize), it may just increase their fears because if they’re scared and you’re scared too, it means you shouldn’t get back together.

3. Address their concerns and worries

Make sure there aren’t genuine concerns that are making a fearful avoidant unsure if they can trust you, things will not go back to before, you’ve changed, you’re right for them/they’re right for you etc. Try to understand their fears and not just dismissive them as a “fearful avoidant is afraid of getting close”. Many of my clients with this thinking and attitude end up not getting back together because they failed to address their fearful avoidant’s concerns, worries and fears.

4. Keep moving forward

Take small safe risks e.g. ask to do “couple things” like go on dates etc. They may not be read to get back into a relationship, but okay with calling your hang out “dates”. You can also ask if they want to give things a trial period and see how they feel, and if they’re not ready to get back together, that’s okay with you.

5. Set clear boundaries

For your own sanity and to protect the relationship, set boundaries around things like emotional making assumptions and accusations, negativity, constantly bringing up the past, testing behaviours and emotional outbursts if they’re a part of your fearful avoidant protesting getting close again. Tell them these things get in the way of even a normal conversation, and talk to them about how this is not only affecting the quality of your conversations and relationship, but also how it’s affecting you. Make sure you communicate how you feel using non-violent communication and focus on the behaviour not the person or their attachment style.

6. Remind yourself of how much you care for each other

Remind yourself that you may not have done anything wrong or are doing something wrong, and you both still care deeply for each other because you wouldn’t have come this far to the point where your fearful avoidant ex is seriously considering getting back together. A fearful avoidant feeling frozen in fear doesn’t cancel how far you’ve come and how much you care about each other.

7. Set small milestones

Set small milestones marking the things you want to see happen. The timeline is not necessary just what you want to see happen to encourage you to hang in there e.g. You see each more regularity, if they’re staying overnight, they leave their toothbrush or toiletries at your place, they tell family and friends that you’re seeing each other, etc.

In my experience, fearful avoidant exes who genuinely want to come back but are scared they might be making a mistake often end up coming back, but it takes many twists and turns to get them to fully commit to being back together.

I’ve worked with many cases where my client and I both see and agree that they’re practically back together because they’re planning the future and what they’d like to see happen if they got back together (i.e. having date nights, travelling together, moving in, having a family etc.), and the fearful avoidant ex is the one pushing for these conversation and even excited about what it. But they’re still saying they’re not ready to get back together, and it’s all part of a fearful avoidant’s attachment style – wanting something and scared of it t the same time.

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