What Makes Avoidants Want To Change? (How You Can Help)

An avoidant needs to hit “rock bottom” for them to realize they need to change or go through a breakup experience that literally changes them.

But can they change? Yes. Avoidants can change for the very simple reason that attachment patterns are learned self-protective behaviours, not a fixed personality. Personality is the combination of characteristics, patterns and tendencies that make up who we are. Attachment patterns are about ways we learned how we relate to other people.

Behaviours that are learned can be unlearned and replaced with a different, healthier way of relating. Attachment theory calls this “earned secure attachment.”

Avoidant attachment patterns can be unlearned

I’ve watched it happen hundreds of times, especially over the last few years as more avoidants become aware of attachment theory. I’ve even had old clients reach out to me and tell me how much relationships have become easier because they are more self-aware and have worked on many of their attachment patterns.

But if you go by TikTok, Instagram and YouTube, where you hear “Avoidants can never change” or “Avoidants need to do their own work before they get into a relationship,” you may start to think that attachment styles are permanent and that avoidants are doomed to roam the earth lonely and miserable.

This kind of content is validating because it tells you that you are not the problem, an avoidant is. They need to change themselves so life can be better for everyone.

So you focus on their attachment style, what they need to change, how their lack of change is affecting your life, and how long you can wait for them to change so your own life can get better.

Meanwhile, an avoidant is watching the same content and thinking:

• “I can’t change”
• “Everyone says I’m damaged and because of this, I keep hurting others”
• “Maybe this is just who I am”
• Or even point to the content and think” “See that? I’m always misunderstood. What’s the point of even trying?”

In the end, both sides lose because nothing changes. You’re stuck waiting for an avoidant to change, while they’re becoming more convinced that they can’t.

And TikTok, Instagram and YouTube throw both sides a bone: “Find someone securely attached.”

But single securely attached people are looking for other securely attached people too. And according to a 2024/2025 study on single adults, Christopher Pepping and colleagues found that only about 22–23% of singles classified as securely attached, with roughly 77–78% falling into one of the insecure attachments.

You do the math.

So what really makes an avoidant want to change?

Every avoidant who ends up doing their personal work has that moment when enough is enough.

A client (I’ll call Joe) signed up for coaching saying he was unsure of what to expect since he’d never worked with a relationships coach or done therapy. We talked a little bit about his relationship history, his recent break-up, the regrets he had about the breakup and what he had learned about himself since the breakup.

Here’s a look inside the mind of an avoidant wanting to change

Joe: I just didn’t want to deal with it”. I shut down emotionally but sometimes I fought back. There would be yelling and cursing. At some point I’d tell myself enough is enough and walk out. We would not talk for days, sometimes weeks but eventually we’d get back together.

Me: And how did you guys work it out?

Joe: We didn’t. We’d go no contact then she’d reach out first and sometimes I did, we met up and we just got back together.

Me: Until the next fight?

Joe: Yeah. Until the next fight.

Me: Would you say that not talking for days or weeks helped?

Joe: Maybe it did. I don’t know.

Me: How do you think it helped?

Joe: I guess not talking for a few days or weeks helped calm down the emotions.

Me: Did you ever talk about what happened?

Joe: No. I guess we both wanted to move on from it.

Me: Except that you didn’t.

Joe: What do you mean?

Me: It kept happening again and again.

Joe: I tried, we both did, I think. I just know I need to change somehow.

Me: What would you want to change?

Joe: Stop running away, I guess. Learn to sit in my own s**t and clean up the mess like a grown up man. What I feel now is guilt over how I messed up the best thing that ever happened to me.

Me: She deserved better.

Joe: She did. It’s only now after the breakup that I’m now realizing I love her very much but didn’t show up for her as the man she deserved. I don’t want to lose her forever because I can’t keep my f*&%*g s**t together.

Me: I can tell you love her. But easy with the swearing.

Joe: Oh s**t! Sorry. I apologize. I just don’t want to keep repeating the same mistakes I’ve made in my relationships.

Wanting to change is only the first step and the easy step for most avoidants

The most difficult step for an avoidant is actually getting the help they need.

• Avoidants generally have a hard time asking for help or taking it when offered
• Most avoidants don’t trust other people including coaches, therapists etc.
• Self-work takes effort and time and many avoidants are not patient enough to see it through
• Many avoidant don’t believe in attachment theory (given the online narrative, you can’t blame them)

If your avoidant ex has promised to change is talking about changing:

• See if they’re taking the necessary steps to change before you get your hopes up that an avoidant has changed.
• There’s consistent effort towards changing, at the very least they’re showing an awareness of their avoidant tendencies and making effort to communicate.

Can you help an avoidant change their attachment style?

This is a tricky one. First of all, it’s not your job to change someone else. Secondly, you can’t really actively “help” someone change their attachment style. They have to want to change and do the work themselves.

But, here is the tricky part. Many avoidants never experienced what a safe connections feels like growing up, and in their adult relationships. Even if they do their own work, they still need experiences of safe connection to learn and consistently practise new skills and new relational patterns.

This is why “they need to go do their work before getting into a relationship” doesn’t really help.

A relationship can actually become part of that process when it gives them the opportunity to practise connection, vulnerability, communication and staying engaged when things feel uncomfortable.

The help you can give is support their process by modelling secure behaviours that help them experience connection and closeness as safe. In attachment theory this is known as being the secure base or stabilizer in the relationship.

You’re not doing the work for them or trying to change them. You’re creating a relationship dynamic that makes it easier for them to explore emotional experiences, let down their guard, accept support when distressed, develop their capacity for reflection and responsiveness, examine their beliefs about relationships, and be themselves safe in the knowledge that you are safe.

We know from numerous studies that a securely attached partner can over time transform someone with an anxious attachment or avoidant attachment to a securely attached partner. An affirming and nurturing relationship with a securely attached romantic partner, therapist, coach or mentor can also move one from an insecure attachment style to a secure one.

To be the safe base, you have to actually be safe

This is where the “It’s not me. They’re avoidant” thinking becomes a trap.

You can’t be a safe base for an avoidant while thinking, “Avoidants can never change,” or “I am a victim of their attachment trauma.”

This thinking makes you unsafe, and you can’t complain about an avoidant keeping their distance to protect themselves. They may love and care about you deeply, but you’re not safe.

Being a secure base starts with you being safe.

Some people think being secure or safe means feeling less anxious, texting less often, or finally stopping yourself from chasing your ex. All of these can be signs that you are becoming more regulated, but secure attachment is about more than simply managing your emotions or how well you cope when there is space.

Being safe or secure is reflected in what you believe, how you think, how you process attachment-related information and triggers, how you make decisions, and how stabilizing your presence is.

It is consistently showing up every day, every situation, every trigger, every relationship as safe and stabilizing. It doesn’t mean you are perfect all the time, it just means you are consistent.

Anyone can have moments of security, but secure attachment is being consistent in how you show up regardless of the circumstances, during distance and during connection, when things feel easy and when connection feels uncertain, and regardless of how the other person reacts, responds, or chooses to show up.

Consistently showing up is not just about external behaviour. It is also the trust you have in yourself and the confidence you feel being authentically you in your interactions.

Give yourselves time to experience the change in your dynamics

Attachment patterns take time to change. Sometimes you or they make progress and then the old patterns show up again. That doesn’t mean the change isn’t working. Notice what improves, what doesn’t, and where you both fall back into old patterns, and keep working on those areas.

This is why sometimes working your issues while connected helps you make more progress.

Working on your attachment patterns individually can make the process easier because you can learn new patterns without the other person triggering your usual ones. But that doesn’t necessarily prepare you for how you will respond when you are actually together, those triggers are activated in real time, and you have to respond differently while activated.

It’s important to give both of yourselves time to practise the new skills and relationship patterns you are working on and see what happens to the dynamic between you.

This is where the Friends-to-Reconnection Pathway with an avoidant pays ex off.

It gives both of you the opportunity to practise new skills and new relational patterns, time for all these changes to happen while enjoying each other’s company and building a healthier and stronger bond.

What if an avoidant ex doesn’t want to change?

I tell my clients asking if the relationship with an avoidant can work to ask themselves one simple question: If an avoidant doesn’t change, would you still want them back?

If your avoidant doesn’t want to change or at least become self-aware enough to recognize their avoidant tendencies and acknowledge that they too need to change, then you have two choices: accept the relationship as it is, or decide that it isn’t enough for you and walk away. What you don’t do is spend your life trying to convince, teach, fix, pressure or wait for someone to become the person you need them to be.

Their attachment style is their responsibility, but what you chose to do with the relationship you have is yours.

An avoidant isn’t holding your life hostage simply because they are avoidant. You still have agency. You can communicate your needs, stop over-functioning for the relationship, set boundaries, stop abandoning yourself, and decide if what they offer is enough for you.

RELATED:

How to Quickly Shift the Dynamic With Your Avoidant Ex

12 Ways You Can Change How an Avoidant Ex Shows Up

Why Secure + Fearful Avoidant Dynamic Feel So Much Calmer

How Avoidants React When You Set Secure Boundaries