Question: Some coaches advocate absolute no contact (which to me does not feel right) and others advocate something known as ‘Active No contact’. Basically, no contact, but with the intent of self improvement of whatever issues a person may have. What do you think of the idea of Active No contact? I personally feel it will literally cause more damage, but hey, what do I know. I already lost the woman of my dreams.
Yangki’s Answer: To be clear, I do not advice nor recommend no contact or limited contact for reasons I discuss throughout this site. But to answer your question, I am going to try to explain what I know about active no contact.
Active no contact is essentially the same thing as the no contact rule. The exception is that with ‘active no contact”, you are allowed to break the no contact rule for certain instances.
Here is where it does not make sense. You are either IN contact or you are NOT in contact. Full stop.
If you don’t contact your ex and do not respond when your ex contacts you, you are have NO contact. If you reach out to your ex for whatever reason or respond when your ex contacts you; you are IN contact, no matter what you tell yourself.
It’s simple common sense that the moment you respond to your ex, contact has been made. You don’t even have to be a coach or “expert” to know this.
Someone figured out how to sell to unsuspecting people who can’t make up their minds; do they do no contact or keep the lines of communication open. Telling them it is “Active No contact” makes them think they have another option.
They can pretend to be doing “no contact” but once in a while give in to their urges to contact their ex and call it “active no contact”. They can tell their ex “do not contact me” but contact their ex pretending to be asking about something or passing information. In their delusional minds, they think they have control of the situation but they really don’t because if their ex does not respond, it still hurts just as it would if one was in contact.
But that’s not even the worst part of half-baked theories that make you appear desperate, needy and frankly, immature.
With straight up ‘no contact’, the message is clear: I will not text you, call you, IM you, email you, check up on you on social media etc., and I will not respond if and when you contact me. Clean cut.
How do you expect your ex to give you another chance if you can’t even make up your mind if you want contact or ‘no contact’? At a certain age, people expect you to know what you want and do what you say you are going to do; not be wish-washy about simple decisions like contact… or no contact.
If you can walk and chew at the same time, you can do self-improvement and use the open lines of communication to lay the groundwork for getting back your ex at the same time.
This actually works to you advantage because human beings in general are more likely to believe change when they understand, appreciate and see what you are doing to change (what I call the process of change). When they can make the connection between input and output, effort and outcome.
We generally tend to be suspicious of people who disappear for a few days/weeks/months and reappear claiming that they have changed. Most of us want to know, “what did you do to change” and “is it for real”. We are justified in calling them bluff, or taking a wait-and-see approach. Anyone can claim to have changes but have they?
If your ex is a horrible human and you do not want anything to do with them, ever; go no contact and move on. If you want your ex back and want to reach out to your ex; contact your ex instead of “pretend” no contact. “Look I’m doing no contact”, but I’m also contacting my ex!” It’s like covering one eye and saying, “I am not really looking”.
The only person you’re fooling with ‘active no contact” is yourself. It’s bad enough to use ‘the no contact rule” to play mind games with your ex; it’s worse to play mind games on yourself with the “active no contact rule”.