Question: Yangki, what if your ex, although now in friend mode, is still not allowing you to “see them” and despite numerous different emotional bid attempts, they are turning away by ignoring most. Some contact is warm and polite but no response to questions etc. At that stage, what should be the strategic plan – mine is to stick to building engagement and slowing the pace down – does this seem appropriate to you?
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Yangki’s Answer: Building engagement and slowing the pace down is a good plan.
However, there is something you are doing, or not doing to move him to become more engaged and respond to questions.
It also could be that you are far ahead of him and wanting more closeness than he does. He may be sensing your use of “emotional bids” as your attempts to get him to see you and turning away not just from your efforts to see him but also from your efforts to get back together.
The third possibility is that he may be thinking you’re now just friends and has decided that seeing each other at this point may create a situation where you want more than a friendship.
The best plan in my opinion at this stage is to stop trying to see him and focus on building engagement. Only step back from active building engagement when he is showing more interest/is more engaged.
Pay attention to when he is warm and when he ignores or turns away from emotional bids. Is there a pattern? i.e. nature or tone of the conversation, time of the day/night etc. (this is all in the book)
Without some background on your relationship and an idea of the type of questions you are asking, I can’t be of much help in terms of getting him to answer questions. What I do know is that, if someone is not answering questions, they are very much still emotionally closed down. It’s one way to keep people at a distance.