Two Fearful Avoidants Trying to Get Back Together (Red Flags)

In my article on why it’s never really over between two fearful avoidants, I explained why a relationship between two avoidants can feel fated, and when it ends it never feels fully done—often leading to several on-off cycles.

Because the emotional bond between two fearful avoidants is often still there, the chemistry still exists and there is a sense of, “We never really stopped caring”, it makes the reconnection process confusing.

Like in the beginning of the relationship, things can feel intense and move very fast — only to fall back into the same familiar push–pull cycle, where one person moves closer while the other pulls away, and then the roles often switch.

But after each breakup, reconnection attempts tend to take longer than the last. This is because both people become more guarded over time.

Sometimes the slower pace can help change the dynamic

When things don’t rush forward, there’s more space to actually notice what happened before. More space to reflect instead of react.

This is why when working with fearful avoidants in on-off relationship I ask them: How long did it take to get back the last time? If they say 3 weeks, I tell them to go 3 times slower this time around.

This is not just about the length of time it takes to get back together, it is slowing things down so both people approach the connection with a bit more awareness than they had in the past.

It doesn’t automatically fix the pattern, but it can interrupt it – enough to create a different possibility than the usual fast reconnect familiar cycle.

Things moving too fast is not the only reconnection red flag between two fearful avoidants. Because both people are fearful avoidants, the red flags often show up as fears.

1. Fear of rejection – becomes stronger after every on-off

I wrote a story about two fearful avoidants who couldn’t fully move things forward because neither person was willing to step up and risk rejection, and they ended up not reconnecting despite having regular contact and a deep emotional connection.

If no one is stepping in to take the lead in making things work, it can keep the relationship stuck in the same loop – close enough to feel something, but not stable enough to actually build anything different.

2. Fear of abandonment

This shows up more often in cases where one fearful avoidant goes no contact for an extended period of time, and that distance triggers a strong fear of abandonment in the other person.

The one who felt abandoned may start to distance themselves too, or even detach emotionally as a way of protecting themselves from the pain. Then, when the other person eventually tries to reconnect after the no contact period, the one who felt abandoned may lash out, shut down, or repeatedly bring up the fact that they felt abandoned.

As long as the feelings of abandonment stays unresolved, the anger can last months because it’s stored in their attachment system as betrayal, deep rejection or even humiliation.

3. Fear of punishment (or blamed)

Fearful avoidants grew up frequently punished emotionally and physically for things they did and even for things they didn’t do, and as a result developed a shame complex.

Both fearful avoidants may feel shame for not being able to make the relationship work  and sometimes the fearful avoidant who left feels that they self-sabotaged and may be punished for leaving.

This can make reconnection harder, because both people are carrying emotional weight — shame, guilt, and fear of being blamed or rejected again.

4. Fear of making a bad decision

Fear of making a bad decision may not only stop a fearful avoidant from reaching out, but also make them believe it’s best to leave things as they are and keep no contact permanent.

If they reach out – or if the other person reaches out first – both people may struggle with what the “right” decision is or what the “right” thing to do should be. They may even start questioning whether re-opening communication was a mistake, or doubting things can be different.

Fear of making a bad decision doesn’t just delay the reconnection process – it can keep it stuck because both people get caught in overthinking, second-guessing, and trying to protect themselves from choosing wrong, instead of actually moving forward in any direction.

5. Fear of relationships

After several on-off attempts at making the relationship work, some fearful avoidants develop a fear of relationships.

If one or both fearful avoidants start to associate the connection with repeated emotional stress, confusion, and instability, the relationship itself can begin to feel unsafe – not just the person. Even the idea of being in any type of relationship again can bring up anxiety, doubt, and a strong urge to protect themselves by not re-entering the dynamic at all.

At that point, it’s not just fear of repeating the same relationship dynamic again – but fear of relationhiships in general.

One or all of the above fears can make both moving on and reconnecting scary

Because of all these fears, the reconnection process after a few breaking up and reconnecting, can create an added layer of emotional hurt, especially if nothing has changed to break the cycle.

The buildup of past disappointments, unresolved feelings, and repeated patterns can make moving on and starting a new relationship much harder – but also make reconnecting scary.

If one fearful avoidant becomes more secure, it can sometimes break the cycle because they’re not recreating the same familiar push–pull cycle, where one person moves closer while the other pulls away, and then the roles often switch. It would be great if both people do the inner work, but that’s often not the reality of the reconnection process.

But even then, one or more of the above can be too strong in one person that reconnection could still not happen.

What I tell my clients when they’re both fearful avoidants is that you are navigating a dynamic that’s more complicated than any other. All you can do it try.

RELATED:

Two Fearful Avoidant Exes: When One Becomes Secure

It’s Never Really Over Between Two Fearful Avoidant Exes

Fearful Avoidant On-Off Pattern: Why They Finally Move On