Question: My ex replies to my text messages quickly. Sometimes she responds immediately and other times he replies within 30 minutes. 30 minutes may not be quick enough for some people, but I consider it to be a quick response. I have been reaching out every few days and try not to come across as needy.
A little bit of background. She broke up with me because we weren’t connecting emotionally. She said she loved me and that I was a great guy but the relationship just wasn’t fulfilling her emotional needs. This is not the first time I have been left for not meeting her emotional needs, and I am working on this in therapy.
I read your article on the 12 signs your ex is being polite and worry that she is just being polite. I have attachment anxiety and as you can imagine, I overthink everything. Should I reach out less, maybe once or twice a month to give her time to warm up to me. What do you think?
Yangki’s Answer: An ex responding to quickly is a good sign. It shows that she wants you to know that your texts are valued enough for her to respond to quickly. She’s not giving them the “I’ll get to it, when I get to it” attitude. Her quick responses also show that she is not ignoring you; and wants to have a connection with you.
Are you overthinking it?
Most likely. You said yourself you have attachment anxiety. But I also think part of the anxiety comes from the fact that you are using how quickly she responds as the main measure of interest.
How quickly your ex responds as I already said is a good sign. But if they are responding and the conversations have little to no emotional depth, how quickly an ex responds means little. The speed of a response means even less if your ex is the type of person who responds immediately to everyone regardless of interest level. They are just being them, nothing more to it.
The true measure of interest is an ex’s emotional engagement. When an ex is emotionally engaged, they want to participate and are excited to talk to you, quick responses mean a lot. More emotional engagement means you are emotionally connecting.
Since lack of emotional connection is the reason she ended the relationship, make sure she can see you trying. As you work through this in therapy, use this site to learn ways to connect with her and make her feel the conversations are interesting enough for her to want to participate.
Does she want to talk to you?
Seems so. She’s responding and replying to your text messages quickly. This shows that she’s doing her part to keep the lines of communication.
I don’t advice reaching out less. Every few days is appropriate for where things are. If you start reaching out less especially when she is responding and replying to texts quickly. She may think something is wrong. In addition, it’s hard to create momentum with contact once or twice a month.