Do Avoidants Still Have Feelings When They Deactivate?

Question: Do avoidants turn off their feelings during a deactivation?

I watched a Youtube video which said a deactivation is when an avoidant turns off their feelings to numb the pain and enjoy a temporary sense of relief. I am confused because I read in a book by a Psychologist that deactivation is a regulation adaptation learned from childhood. Can you please explain.

Yangki’s Answer: You are making an incredibly valid and sophisticated distinction that hits on the actual mechanics of attachment theory.

What you read in the book is correct.

Deactivation is about regulating an attachment system that feels overwhelmed by creating distance from the emotional intensity of the connection or relationship. Meaning what changes during deactivation is how an attachment system engages in the connection or relationship, not how they feel about someone.

In simple words, during deactivations avoidants create distance from the intensity of the connection or relationship, but their feelings for you do not automatically change. They still care, they still have feelings for you and if they had fallen in love, their love does not disappear simply because their system needs to regulate.

Where feelings can start to change is if you continue to create more intensity that their system does not get to regulate, and is forced to completely shut down or permanently detach from you, the source of the emotional intensity.

So the idea that deactivation means an avoidant “turns off their feelings to numb the pain and enjoy a temporary sense of relief” is wrong and is not supported by what attachment theory tells us about attachment system regulation.

It’s an example of how a psychological concept can get misunderstood and then repeated so often that the misunderstanding starts to sound like fact. This is especially common with “get your ex back” coaches who don’t have a background in psychology, or who have only a limited understanding of attachment theory. They take the word deactivation and give it a meaning that fits a particular narrative about no contact.

The narrative usually goes something like this: your avoidant deactivates, turns off their feelings, feels relief because they no longer have to deal with the relationship, and then after enough time apart, those feelings come back and they start missing you.

That sounds simple and reassuring when you are waiting for an ex to come back. But it is not what deactivation means.

Understanding what deactivation really is matters

To you, a deactivation may feel unnecessary and/or punitive but to an avoidant, a deactivation is a necessary function of their attachment system which protects them from falling part emotionally, psychologically or mentally.

It’s an avoidant’s version of “self-care”. When an avoidant doesn’t self-care from time to time, they emotionally burn out, shutdown, lose interest in the relationship and even lose attraction. This means that an avoidant deactivating from time to time is actually a good thing for an avoidant, for you and for the relationship.

But when you turn deactivation into “they stopped having feelings” or “they do not care”, it becomes very easy to see deactivation as a threat to the connection or relationship, rather than something avoidants need in order to regulate an overwhelmed attachment system.

You start getting overly anxious when an avoidant deactivates or try to stop an avoidant from deactivating because you believe their distance means they are losing feelings for you.

You should not fear an avoidant deactivating

Understanding that deactivation simply means an avoidant’s attachment system needs to reduce emotional overwhelm every not and then to stay regulated, helps you respond differently.

Instead of panicking that they’re losing feelings, you can recognize what is actually happening and avoid adding more intensity to the situation.

Many avoidants come back from a deactivation more excited and committed to making things work than they were before deactivating because they’ve had time and space to recharge, reflect and process their feelings, what they need and how they show up.

This doesn’t always mean “giving them space.” Sometimes it simply means stopping the reassurance seeking, trying to force emotionally loaded discussions, or pushing for reconnection to happen on a timeline they’re not ready for.

It also helps to understand that deactivation does not look the same for all avoidants.

A dismissive avoidant deactivation is very different from a fearful avoidant deactivation. And during deactivation, some avoidants do emotional processing and while others merely move through the motions of everyday life and aren’t interested in mentally tasking their brains with things that aren’t relevant or important to their day-to-day existence; things like processing emotions or processing relationships or a breakup.

RELATED:

What to Do (and Not Do) When an Avoidant Deactivates

6 Things That Keep Avoidants Deactivated Permanently

Dismissive vs. Fearful Avoidant Deactivation: Crucial Differences

Did An Avoidant Deactivate Or Have You Been Ghosted?