Question: How do I accept the breakup and get back an avoidant who dumped me?
My dismissive avoidant ex broke up with me a week ago. He is textbook dismissive avoidant and dumped me as we were making plans to move in together. We were mostly happy and the breakup came as a shock to me. I’ve read in your articles and elsewhere that dismissive avoidants don’t want you to chase them, also that dismissive avoidants often don’t reach out after the breakup and if you go no contact they often don’t respond when you contact them. What I’m still confused about is what is you are supposed to do when a dismissive avoidant dumps you and you want them back? You mentioned sending a breakup acceptance text but how do I accept a breakup I didn’t want? I’m looking for some kind of guidance on what I’m supposed to do other than the no contact advice and you’re the only one who seems to provide the answers. Also, would appreciate some guidance on what a breakup acceptance text would look like. Thank you in advance.
Yangki’s Answer: All the things you’ve mentioned about dismissive avoidants not wanting to be chased, not reaching out after the breakup and not responding when you contact them after no contact are true. They’re also true of fearful avoidants who lean dismissive after the break-up.
Like with every attachment style, how you handle the most emotionally raw stage of the breakup plays a significant role in your success getting your ex back. I’ve worked with so many people who did more damage to their chances of getting back an avoidant ex after the break-up than before or during the breakup itself. An avoidant who still had lingering or was leaving the door open to a possibility of getting back together at some point ends up losing the lingering feelings they had after the break-up and/or wanting no contact.
What do you do when a dismissive avoidant breaks up with you?
1) Do not beg or chase – The first thing you do when a dismissive avoidant breaks up with is do not beg, try to change their mind or chase a dismissive avoidant. Once a dismissive avoidant’s mind is made up on something important to them, they cannot be convinced to change their mind, no matter what. The harder you try, the more a dismissive avoidant feels the need to defend and assert their independence.
2) Do not take the breakup it personally – The second thing you do when dumped by a dismissive avoidant is not to take it personally. Not taking a break-up personally doesn’t mean the break-up doesn’t hurt, break ups hurt whether you ended the relationship or were broke up with.
Not taking the break-up personally is recognizing and acknowledging that the relationship ended for a reason, and/or the break-up is something your ex needed to do for themselves and didn’t do necessarily against you or to intentionally hurt you. Your hurt and pain is the result or outcome of the breakup, not the intention of it.
One of the major difference between secure and insecure attachment is that people with an insecure attachment because of their insecurities take break-ups personally i.e. something bad done to them and/or a reflection of their relationship worth rather than something that happens in relationships. Securely attached believe that others have the right to end a relationship that’s not working for them, they’re not happy in or have fallen out of love. They’d rather see somebody they care about be happy than be miserable in the relationship.
3) Take a few days to process your emotions – The third thing you do when a dismissive avoidant breaks up with you is take a few days to process your emotions. You don’t need to reach out to a dismissive avoidant ex immediately because unlike fearful avoidants, dismissive avoidants do not have a fear or abandonment or separation. It’s even okay when a dismissive avoidant is breaking up with you to communicate that you’re shocked, heartbroken, sad, hurt, angry etc. and need a few days to cool off. Most dismissive avoidants don’t just expect you to take a few days to process your emotions, they want you to process your emotions so they don’t have to deal with “an emotional you”. If you communicate calmly and not blame your emotional state on them, an avoidant will respect you for handling things maturely.
4) Accept the break-up – The fourth and really important thing you do when dumped by a dismissive avoidant is communicate that you accept the breakup. After a few days (3-10 days after the break-up), send a text accepting the break-up. Accepting a break-up is not the same as agreeing with the breakup. Agreeing with the break-up implies that you agree with your ex breaking up with you, and/or think they made the right decision. Accepting the break-up means you acknowledge your ex’s decision to end the relationship as something they want even if it not something you want or think should have happened. In other words, you don’t have to agree with the break-up to accept it.
What to include in a breakup acceptance text to your ex
The goal of sending your ex a text accepting the breakup is not to change their mind about the break-up, the goal is to try to get past the most emotionally raw stage of the breakup without causing anymore damage to your chances of getting back together at a later time.
An effective breakup acceptance text that will give you a better chance of getting back a dismissive or fearful avoidant ex should include 4 very important things.
1) You’re not fighting your ex’s decision – You don’t agree with the break-up and would prefer to work things out, but since your dismissive avoidant ex has made the decision that breaking up is what they want, you’re not going to beg them, try to persuade them to change their mind or protest their decision.
2) You don’t regret the relationship – Regardless of what happens going forward, the break-up doesn’t negate the special moments you shared and the appreciation you have for your ex. If you need to, briefly apologize (no more than a sentence or two. You’ll get the opportunity to properly apologize when both of you have cooled off and your ex is more emotionally receptive).
3) You see the break-up as an opportunity – Although you don’t agree with the break-up, it has made you realize many things about yourself and what you need to work on to become a better person and a better partner in your future relationship.
4) You still want them in your life – You are not to trying to work things out right now or want to get back together, you simply want to keep the lines of communication open but only if this is something they feel comfortable with.
This is not a word-for-word script for a breakup acceptance text but a guideline on what a text accepting the breakup should look like. You will have to phrase the actual breakup acceptance text to sound authentically you and customize it to your break-up situation.
The most effective breakup acceptance text should be short, simple and not too emotional especially when you’re dealing with avoidant who are turned off by “emotionality”. No more than a paragraph, 1,500 characters or 15 lines. If you are accepting the break-up in person, keep the conversation short no longer than 15 minutes, and don’t drag in emotional stuff like old memories etc. Avoidants get turned off by emotional dumping.
It all depends how an avoidant break up with you
Often times when a dismissive avoidant breaks up with you, it’s final and not even accepting the breakup will move the needle. But the way you handle the most emotionally raw stage of the breakup will stick in a dismissive avoidant’s mind for months and even years to come. If you showed calm, self-assuredness and maturity, a dismissive avoidant will try to persuade you to remain friends because they still want you in their life even if they don’t want the relationship anymore. Even when you go your separate ways, they’ll remember you as someone they might one day reach out to.
If a dismissive avoidant still has feelings for you and/or open to a possibility of getting back together at some point, accepting the breakup will make a significant difference.
In my experience, 80 – 90% of avoidants who still have feelings for an ex respond positively and some are moved to tears by a sincere and well-thought breakup acceptance text. It however doesn’t mean that if you accept the breakup an avoidant ex will want to get back together right away. What a sincere and well-thought break-up acceptance text shows is that you are secure in your relationship worthiness and have good intentions moving forward. This sets the stage for the new relationship to start off on some level of trust and safety instead of continuing with the insecure dynamic – and further damaging any chances of getting back together.