What An Avoidant Ex Means By “I Can’t Meet Your Needs”

Almost every anxiously attached in a relationship with an avoidant has at point or another asked themselves, “How do I know if what I’m asking for is too much?” Some anxiously attached even fear reaching out to their avoidant ex because they’re not sure if that comes across as being needy or as trying to connect. And avoidants don’t help clarify things when they breakup saying “I can’t meet your needs” making it seem like all anxious needs are unreasonable.

The truth is, there is no one answer that applies to all relationship and all situations. It’s possible that you’re not getting enough attention, time, love, care, affection, intimacy etc. from an avoidant, but it’s also possible that you’re needy, expecting and asking for too much. Both can be true at the same time because avoidants often give too little in relationships but accuse anxiously attached of asking for too much, on the other hand, anxiously attached often expect/ask for too much and accuse avoidants of giving too little.

It’s also possible that your needs are reasonable, but your avoidant ex just doesn’t have the capacity to meet them. They’ve never been responsible of anyone’s needs but theirs, or are traumatized by taking on an adult-role to a parent or caregiver when they were too young and didn’t have the skills or tools to do so effectively, and now get easily triggered when asked to meet a partners’ romantic needs.

This could explain why many anxiously attached say that in other relationships with anxiously attached and securely attached they didn’t feel that their needs weren’t being met, they only feel this way with an avoidant.

“I don’t think it’s unreasonable or too demanding when you reach out about something you’re going through and they know about it and they ignore you. I had so many things happen to me at the same time and I needed him as my partner to be there for me. But I felt like he didn’t care or want to support me. I felt like I was being too needy or bothering him. It made me very anxious.”

On the other hand, you have avoidants who say they are now with someone securely attached and don’t feel like they are being asked for too much. They compare the relationship with a securely attached with their relationships with anxiously attached and feel that because they’re not being asked to give as much, they try hard to meet the secure partner’s needs.

“I was married for 17 years and every single day without fail, all I heard was you’re not listening, you’re not prioritizing me, you’re not affectionate enough, you’ve not this and that. It got to a point that I was constantly thinking of ways to do more in exchange for my peace of mine. I don’t want to do things because I have to, it’s exhausting and it makes me feel controlled.”

Were an anxiously attached’s needs reasonable? Yes. She just wanted her avoidant ex to support her when she was going through a difficult time in her life. I don’t know anyone who would think this is an unreasonable need and expectation.

Were an avoidant’s needs reasonable? Yes. An an avoidant just wanted some peace and less nagging. We all can relate to that feeling when it feels like if this doesn’t stop, I’ll lose it.

The biggest problem in most anxious-avoidant relationships is therefore not unreasonable, excessive, unfair or impractical needs, the biggest problem is the trauma-based defense reaction to the other’s needs

Trauma-based or trauma-formed defenses are reactions to feeling vulnerable, threatened or attacked, but they can also be used to avoid uncomfortable emotions or avoid responsibility. This is not to say there are no unreasonable needs on both sides, there are, but most anxiously attached and most avoidant’s needs and expectations while on a spectrum are often within reason. The problem is that most of the time, anxiously attached and avoidants are not responding to the need itself but to how the need makes them feel.

So when an avoidant says “I can’t meet your needs”, they may not be saying your needs are unreasonable, they may be saying your needs make me feel vulnerable, threatened or attacked or they may be saying they’re not interested in meeting your needs.

Even reasonable needs can elicit a trauma defense reaction if the needs trigger attachment fears or if the need is perceived as requiring one to sacrifice their own needs. The more sacrifice one has to make, the more unreasonable they feel the need is. The difference however between avoidants and anxiously attached is that anxiously attached are more willing to give up many if not all their needs to be in a relationship.

Avoidants on the other hand look at each need as, “how much/many of my needs do I have to give up to meet your need?” Reasonable needs don’t require too much sacrifice but unreasonable needs require them to give up more than they’re willing to give up.

So next time you find wondering if you’re being needy or if what you are asking for is reasonable, do a quick math calculation:

Need > What an avoidant has to give up = Unreasonable need. The more intense the reaction the more unreasonable they feel the need is.

Need < What an avoidant has to give up = Reasonable need. The less they have to sacrifice to meet your need the more reasonable they feel the need is.

Timing, situational context and how you communicate your need is very important. You can have a reasonable need but the timing may be off. A need that may be reasonable is one situation may not be in another situation. And how you communicate your need may get you trauma-based defensive response even if the need itself is reasonable.