Dealing With Uncertainity When Trying To Get Back Your Ex

what-are-your-chances-getting-back-your-exOne of the questions that comes up in almost all my phone sessions is, “Do I have a chance” or “What are my chances?”

There are relationships where it’s obvious that no amount of time or effort will make an ex want to give the relationship another chance. It is over, OVER.

But there are many more relationships where the chances of getting back together are very good, but someone fails to get back their ex because they moved too fast, pushed too hard.

They know they should take things slow. They tell themselves to take things slow. They even tell their ex, “I want us to take things slow and see where it goes”. But one day they are calm, cool and collected and the next, they are all panicky, anxious and pushy. In the end, they fail to get their ex back not because they didn’t have a chance, but because they blew their chance.

Because I do this everyday, all year round, and have done it for years, I can tell over 90% of the time who is likely to blow off his/her chances and who has the ability to see things through to a successful end. And when I am asked “Do I have a chance” or “What are my chances?”,  I tell the person, “You have a good chance. My worry though is that you’ll blow that chance”.

I have come up with this three categories to help you see for yourself if you are hurting your chances of getting back together.

1. Individual who perceive relationship uncertainty and unpredictability as upsetting and threatening.

Your natural and habitual way of reacting to relationship uncertainty and unpredictability is to obsess about unrealistic and exaggerated likely negative outcomes. The more obsessed you are with “preparing for the worst”, the more you exaggerate the “looming threat”.

Even when things are actually going well for you, you start unnecessary arguments and drama because you are constantly worried something is going to go wrong — and it does!

2. Individuals who literally “freeze” when they feel they are not in control.

Not-knowing what the future will bring and not being able to control that future literally freezes your usual ability to think rationally, make rational decisions or take rational actions.

Your natural and habitual way of reacting to relationship uncertainty is turn away from what you perceive is the “source of uncertainty” (e.g. your ex), or attack the person you perceive is the problem or is responsible for your heightened feelings of anxiety, anger and emotional upset.

The more focused you are on what you can’t control, the more overwhelming and fearful the “future” looks.

3. Individuals who perceive relationship uncertainty as opportunities and “tipping points” that can bridge the gap between today and a preferred future.

Whether by luck of the genes or deliberate training, these individuals are on most part not negatively affected by relationship uncertainty and unpredictability because they are naturally more optimistic and more confident about life – and the future in general.

To them unpredictability and relationship uncertainty is a reminder that nothing in life is set in stone, and that things are subject to change. If managed with care, the experience of not knowing, of not being able to rely on habitual ways of doing things may just be the beginning of something new, something beautiful – a new season.

This focus on a sense of purpose and well-being holds up their positive energy and shelters them from patterns of fear and panic, despair and pessimism. This purpose driven and hopeful attitude to life, uncertainty and the future gives these men and women even more confidence in facing the future with increasing clarity and with greater peace and calm.

Becoming comfortable with expecting the unexpected, and living with relationship uncertainty and unpredictability is really about inviting what scares us and using it to move us further than we could have moved without “a little push” from fear itself.

With so much relationship uncertainty and unpredictability in our world, the choice we all have is: Do you live life panicky, anxious, worrying, complaining, frustrated, angry, overwhelmed, irrational, sad, depressed, negative and pessimistic; or do you take the unpredictability and relationship uncertainty and turn it into an opportunity for increased clarity, creativity, greater peace and blessings?

It is good to remember that blessings are not just about money, houses, cars or “things”, but that blessings are good health, happiness, sharing love (freely given to us) and conveying good-will and good feelings towards others — in your own small way, in your own small corner of the world.

How you deal with unpredictability and with uncertain situations in many ways represents your best hope for good health, happiness and love — a well-being that looks with confidence to the future even when you don’t know exactly what that future will look like.

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Vanessa

Dear Yangki,
I just want to say thank you for your site. It is positive, encouraging, validating and honest. I have found it really helpful over the last few months whilst coping with an on-and-off relationship – reading your posts has brought me a great deal of peace.

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