What Are The Best Days Of The Week To Text Avoidant Ex?

Question: What are the best days of the week to text avoidant ex?

My fearful avoidant ex has gone from not responding or opening my texts to reaching out 1 – 2 times a week. This progression took about 2 months of me being consistent and showing that I care about him even if we are not a couple.

So far I’ve resisted the urge to reach out on weekends. I text him in the evenings and he responds the next morning or early afternoon. Occasionally I’ve reached out during the day and sometimes he responds immediately and other times he responds hours later. But I’ve noticed that there is no pattern when he reaches out. Last Friday night he reached out about a show we both liked, and our conversation lasted until 10 pm. I thought we had been talking for hours and he might need space, so I didn’t respond. I reached back out Monday and today is Thursday, and he hasn’t responded. This is quite unusual for him. I can’t but help think I deactivated him not responding. Since he reached out on Friday, should I have responded Saturday which is a weekend? What are the rules of texting an avoidant on weekends.

Yangki’s Answer: I’ve found over the years that there are no rules for texting an avoidant on weekends, or best days of the week or even best time of the week to text an avoidant that applies to all avoidants. Avoidants like everyone have different schedules and different times when they’re receptive and times when they’re busy or not in the mood to connect.

Some avoidant exes are receptive and responsive:

• During the day but not mornings or evenings. If you send a good morning or good night text, they don’t respond.
• In the evenings and before 9 pm. If you send a text after 9, they’ll respond the next day.
• Monday – Friday and don’t respond on the weekend.
• Weekends but not on weekdays, especially if they have a very demanding job or responsibilities that keep them busy on week days (i.e. single parents with young kids).
• Any day of the week or any time of the day depending on the topic of conversation.

Instead of following generic one-fits-all advice on the best days and times to an avoidant, take the time to observe your avoidants pattern for connection and meet their need. You may find that an avoidant is more relaxed and has more time to connect on the weekends but because you are stopping all communication on weekends, you are communicating that you do not wish to be contacted on the weekends and will resume communication on a weekday.

Now, there are several reasons fearful avoidants don’t respond. Something may have happened that has nothing to do with you or what happened Friday night. But it’s possible that the reason he hasn’t responded is because he feels a certain way about what happened on Friday. Maybe he felt too vulnerable after reaching out on a weekend, maybe he felt overwhelmed because you connected for that long, maybe he felt ignored when you didn’t respond.

When dealing with a fearful avoidant, it’s important to always keep in mind that although fearful avoidants are categorized as “avoidants”, they are actually anxious avoidants, which means that they need connection (anxious attachment) just as much as they need space (avoidant attachment).

Thinking of a fearful avoidant only as an avoidant who needs space and deactivates due to too much connection is a mistake many make. The become overly anxious about saying or doing anything that might cause a fearful avoidant to deactivate and in the process miss the opportunities to connect and also make a fearful avoidant feel safe when they reach out to connect.

Which seems to be what happened in your case. Your fearful avoidant ex reached out wanting to talk about a TV show you both like. You emotionally connected and you had your longest chat ever. But you were anxious about talking for hours and an avoidant needing space that you likely prematurely ended the conversation. Your fearful avoidant ex may then have felt too vulnerable because he reached out, showed he wanted connection but was left feeling like he needed more connection than you did (needy).

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter why an avoidant reached out or what day of the week or time of the day they reached out. What matters is that they reached out, were emotionally engaged and invested and you had an opportunity not only to meet their need for connection but also strengthen your connection and move things forward.

Avoidants often do not tell you that they need connection, so pay close attention to they’re responsiveness and engagement. When a fearful avoidant responds immediately, is emotionally engaged and/or reaching out almost as much as you are (or even every once is a while) they need connection. When a fearful avoidant takes hours or days to respond and is less engaged, they need space.

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