What Are The Best Days Of The Week To Text Avoidant Ex?

Question: What are the best days of the week to text avoidant ex?

My fearful avoidant ex has gone from not responding or opening my texts to reaching out 1 – 2 times a week. This progression took about 2 months of me being consistent and showing that I care about him even if we are not a couple.

So far I’ve resisted the urge to reach out on weekends. I text him in the evenings and he responds the next morning or early afternoon. Occasionally I’ve reached out during the day and sometimes he responds immediately and other times he responds hours later. But I’ve noticed that there is no pattern when he reaches out. Last Friday night he reached out about a show we both liked, and our conversation lasted until 10 pm. I thought we had been talking for hours and he might need space, so I didn’t respond. I reached back out Monday and today is Thursday, and he hasn’t responded. This is quite unusual for him. I can’t but help think I deactivated him not responding. Since he reached out on Friday, should I have responded Saturday which is a weekend? What are the rules of texting an avoidant on weekends.

Yangki’s Answer: I’ve found over the years that there are no rules for texting an avoidant on weekends, or best days of the week or even best time of the week to text an avoidant that applies to all avoidants. Avoidants like everyone have different schedules and different times when they’re receptive and times when they’re busy or not in the mood to connect.

Some avoidant exes are receptive and responsive:

  • During the day but not mornings or evenings. If you send a good morning or good night text, they don’t respond.
  • In the evenings and before 9 pm. If you send a text after 9, they’ll respond the next day.
  • Monday – Friday don’t respond on the weekend.
  • Weekends but not on weekdays, especially if they have a very demanding job or responsibilities that keep them busy on week days (i.e single parents with young kids).
  • Any day of the week or any time of the day depending on the topic of conversation.

Instead of following generic one-fits-all advice on the best days and times to an avoidant, take the time to observe your avoidants pattern for connection and meet their need. You may find that an avoidant is more relaxed and has more time to connect on the weekends but because you are stopping all communication on weekends, you are communicating that you do not wish to be contacted on the weekends and will resume communication on a weekday.

Now, there are several reasons fearful avoidants don’t respond. Something may have happened that has nothing to do with you or what happened Friday night. But it’s possible that the reason he hasn’t responded is because he feels a certain way about what happened on Friday. Maybe he felt too vulnerable after reaching out on a weekend, maybe he felt overwhelmed because you connected for that long, maybe he felt ignored when you didn’t respond.

When dealing with a fearful avoidant, it’s important to always keep in mind that although fearful avoidants are categorized as “avoidants”, they are actually anxious avoidants, which means that they need connection (anxious attachment) just as much as they need space (avoidant attachment).

Thinking of a fearful avoidant only as an avoidant who needs space and deactivates due to too much connection is a mistake many make. The become overly anxious about saying or doing anything that might cause a fearful avoidant to deactivate and in the process miss the opportunities to connect and also make a fearful avoidant feel safe when they reach out to connect.

Which seems to be what happened in your case. Your fearful avoidant ex reached out wanting to talk about a TV show you both like. You emotionally connected and you had your longest chat ever. But you were anxious about talking for hours and an avoidant needing space that you likely prematurely ended the conversation. Your fearful avoidant ex may then have felt too vulnerable because he reached out, showed he wanted connection but was left feeling like he needed more connection than you did (needy).

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter why an avoidant reached out or what day of the week or time of the day they reached out. What matters is that they reached out, were emotionally engaged and invested and you had an opportunity not only to meet their need for connection but also strengthen your connection and move things forward.

Avoidants often do not tell you that they need connection, so pay close attention to they’re responsiveness and engagement. When a fearful avoidant responds immediately, is emotionally engaged and/or reaching out almost as much as you are (or even every once is a while) they need connection. When a fearful avoidant takes hours or days to respond and is less engaged, they need space.

RELATED:

How Do Avoidant Exes Feel About Checking In On Them?

Sending Good Morning, Good Night Texts to An Avoidant Ex

Why Doesn’t My Ex Text Back On Weekends?

Why Avoidant Exes Only Respond To Some Of Your Texts

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6 replies on “What Are The Best Days Of The Week To Text Avoidant Ex?”
  1. says: Ash

    My FA works 12-hour shifts. Our longest conversations have been on Sundays when je’s cooking or doing laundry or just relaxing and watching TV. I’m struggling with no communication Monday – Friday but I guess I have to accept things as they are.

    1. says: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      If he’s genuinely busy and not just ignoring you, and is giving you quality time when he’s available, then yes, for now it is what it is. But you also have to think long-term. If and when you get back together will this change? Is he willing to make compromises? Will you be happy with the amount of time he has for you?

  2. says: Ellen

    Yangki, I have started to try to grow the relationship like you and I talked about. It’s mostly been interesting stuff going on in my life and he responds with his opinion on some of it. However, last week he wasn’t feeling well and when I asked him whether he had been to see a doctor I did not get a reply back. I told myself not to take it personally, something you and I have talked about. To my surprise, this helped me feel more relaxed about the situation. The next day I sent him a “get-well” card. I heard back from him thanking me for checking up on him. He then called me and we had a nice 23 minute conversation.

    1. says: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      Good for you… 🙂

      Your response to him not responding prevented you from being knocked off course. With a fearful avoidant ex, you’ll have days when things are very good and days when not so much. Try as much as possible to be consistent in being calm, and keep moving things forward.

  3. says: Paul

    My fearful avoidant ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago because she feels she has lost the emotional connection and it feels like we are roommates. We own a home together and when I asked her about living arrangements she cried saying she wasn’t ready for me to leave. She said she needs time to find herself but still wants to hang out with me. When we do hang out it is not in a couples way. I’m concerned about us living together. In your new E-Book on page 196 you say “Going out every day or every other day in the initial stages is probably not a very good idea”

    1. says: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      That’s right. How often you go out should reflect the stage you are in your efforts to get back together. If you’re still very distant, t’s best to space your meeting far apart to avoid awkwardness, and the feeling that you are closer than you really are.

      Your case is a unique in that you own a home together, so it’s not like you can push her out. At least not without causing more damage to your chances. You have to work with your circumstances and make the best of it.

      Since you hang out, I assume you get along well. So talk to her… tell her you don’t think that it’s a good idea for you to hangout every night when you are not a couple.

      It’s up to you to set the pace if you want to have a chance of making it work. Sometimes that means giving up what feels good right now for what’s right in the long term. That’s covered in pages 357 – 364.

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