What an Avoidant’s Declining Physical Intimacy Means

An avoidant’s distinct cycle of emotional distancing and the psychological toll it takes on a partner has received so much attention that many of us automatically assume an avoidant pulling away is a sign that they’re thinking of leaving.

But an early sign that an avoidant is thinking about leaving is actually a change in physical intimacy.

The reason this is hard to notice is because avoidants (not all) commonly experience a significant reduction in physical intimacy as the relationship progresses past the honeymoon phase.

And sometimes, what starts as the honeymoon-drop off in physical intimacy can gradually develop into a genuine decline in sexual desire.

For some avoidants, reduced physical intimacy and eventually decline in sexual desire changes how they feel about the relationship. They may still hug you, sleep beside you and behave normally in many other ways, but something about the physical connection feels different.

They stop initiating sex as often. They become less affectionate. Kissing becomes less frequent or less passionate.

This can be confusing because there may be no major conflict, they’re still talking to you, spending time with you and even tell you that they love you. In many ways the relationship may appear to be functioning reasonably well on the surface, but physical intimacy continues to decline sharply.

Why physical intimacy often decrease before the breakup is obvious

When someone is thinking of leaving a relationship, there is usually an internal process taking place before an actual decision is made.

They may be thinking about whether they are happy, whether their needs are being met, whether they feel compatible with their partner, whether they want the same things in life, whether the relationship feels right for the future and whether the difficulties between them can realistically be resolved.

Most people bring their concerns to their partner and try to work through it with their partner before deciding to leave the relationship.

But for most avoidants, they may become more inwardly focused and the only way you may know they have concerns is the reduced degree of participation in the relationship. By the time they leave, their participation has been declining for a period of time.

Physical intimacy is particularly vulnerable to declining participation because it requires a willingness to engage with your partner physically, emotionally and relationally. It is difficult to maintain the same level of physical closeness when you are increasingly questioning the relationship underneath it.

A decline or withdrawal from physical intimacy is an early sign but not the only one

As mentioned above, avoidants commonly experience a significant reduction in physical intimacy as the relationship progresses. A decline or withdrawal from physical intimacy may be the first sign an avoidant is thinking of leaving you, but alone, it doesn’t automatically mean an avoidant is leaving.

Stress, exhaustion, depression, medication, health problems, hormonal changes, body image concerns and many other factors can also affect sexual desire. And there may be periods when an avoidant needs less physical contact because they feel overwhelmed, even though they still want the relationship.

This is why you cannot look at a decline or withdrawal from physical intimacy in isolation.

What matters is what else is changing at the same time.

If physical intimacy decreases while an avoidant remains emotionally engaged, affectionate in other ways, interested in the relationship and willing to address problems, the change may have little to do with wanting to leave.

But if physical intimacy is decreasing alongside a broader change in how they participate in the relationship, it is a sign that something has changed beyond their sexual desire.

They may use their changed desire as information about the relationship

For avoidants, sometimes the decrease in intimacy is part of the process through which they discover that they want to leave.

Sometimes this is conscious. Sometimes it is not.

They may not initially think, I want to end this relationship. They simply notice that they are less interested in sex, less inclined to initiate affection, or less comfortable with the physical closeness and even a simple touch, without fully understanding why.

This is may explain why a partner can experience the change in physical intimacy before an avoidant can clearly explain it. They may not quite understand it themselves because they may still find their partner attractive, still care deeply about them and may even still deeply love them, but because their desire for physical closeness has changed, they start questioning whether they no longer want the relationship in the same way.

They may sometimes overlook things like stress, fatigue, hormonal changes, routine, mental health, or medication and focus on the loss of desire as a sign that something in the relationship has changed for them.

Once this happens, they start thinking more and mor about leaving, start new relationships while still in the relationship, or leave and quickly rebound to prove the relationship is the problem.

By starting fresh with someone new, they can prove to themselves, “I am fine. I can still want physical intimacy. My sex drive is okay.”

This reinforces the belief that something was wrong with the previous relationship rather than prompting them to examine what was happening within the relationship or in their own life that contributed to the decline in sexual desire, or how their own difficulties with intimacy may have contributed to it.

What this means for reconnection chances

Getting back with an avoidant when the breakup is caused by physical intimacy is incredibly difficult for different reasons.

1. They may treat the intimacy issue as proof that the relationship is broken beyond repair, rather than as a problem that can be worked on together. Sometimes the relationship itself becomes associated with the sexual problem.

2. The breakup can leave them feeling inadequate, guilty, broken and ashamed. They may not simply feel that the relationship failed; they may feel that they failed at something they believe should have come naturally.

3. Their body may associate your physical presence with panic, pressure, expectations or demands. Simply being physically close can trigger an automatic protective response before they have consciously decided how they feel.

4. They know that physical intimacy will eventually be expected to resume if they come back. If they are still feeling little or no sexual desire, returning to the relationship can feel like returning to the very situation that made them want to leave in the first place.

5. They may fear disappointing you again. Coming back can feel like putting themselves back into a situation where they’re expected to fail you, disappoint you or feel pressured to perform something they do not naturally feel.

6. They may want you back because they still love you, miss you and value the relationship, but want to keep it purely platonic. This can create a difficult situation because what they are offering may feel like reconnection to them, while to you it may feel like being asked to accept a relationship that does not meet your needs.

This doesn’t mean getting back together is impossible.

It means that an avoidant may have get help from a professional or at least resolve their own issues with physical intimacy, you have to have a direct conversation addressing what happened and both people have to find a way to approach physical intimacy differently so that it does not carry the same pressure, expectations or fear that it did before.

Sometimes this means delaying physical touch, hugs or sex until an avoidant feels comfortable enough to begin experiencing physical intimacy without immediately feeling that they are expected to return to the level of intimacy they had before.

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