Question: My ex and I are long distance. I went to visit him and when he was driving me back to the airport he broke up with me because he thinks we are not compatible. He said that he did things for me but I was not grateful because I complained all the time. His sister also does not like me because she thinks I am high maintenance and made the whole family wait for a long time when I was getting ready to go out. I told him I feel bad how things ended and we video chatted and he said again that we are not compatible. He sent me a birthday video and said he wanted to do something personal. I thanked him and sent a photo of me at the bumblebee movie to celebrate my birthday. He did not respond. I sent him two other messages but he did not respond to those too. I am probably flying over to California where he is in a few days, in your opinion, is it too soon to meet him? Also I still have some of my stuff at his place do you think he will take this chance to ask me to take back all my stuff?
Yangki’s answer: There’s a lot of information that I need to give you the best advice. It’d be better if we spoke on the phone so I have a more accurate understanding of your situation especially the part about not being compatible. Your chances of getting back together hang on what that means – is it something that can be resolved or are your difference too big that they can’t be reconciled.
In terms of meeting, it depends on why you are flying to California. If you going there for the sole purpose of meeting him, it may come across as being pushy if you show up when he hasn’t been responsive ( suggest you read my series on Anxious Attacher – Avoidant Ex).
If between now and when you leave for California you have a few texts back and forth and you have created enough momentum to take things to the next step, then a meeting is appropriate especially because it’s long distance and you don’t get that many chances to meet in person.
The most important thing is to make sure you have enough momentum. Momentum shows that things are moving forward, but most importantly it shows that he is comfortable with the amount and quality of the contact, communication and connection NOW and because he is, he’ll not mind if you took the next step. Emphasis on quality (emotional connection).
It’ll be a good idea to mention to him that you are going to California before you show up.
As for him asking you to take back all your stuff, there is a 50-50 chance he might ask you to take back all your stuff. It all depends on that “compatibility” issue and if there is hope, or not.