Question: We broke up because my ex wants kids and I don’t. I still miss my ex but I don’t want to pretend I want kids just to get him back.
My ex and I were together for over five years. In the beginning we both wanted marriage and kids. 3 years into our relationship my ex started having doubts about what he wanted. he wanted marriage but was not sure about kids. Towards the end of our relationship, I was the one not sure if I wanted marriage and kinds. We talked about it my ex was understanding. But he also said although he isn’t ready for kids; he may want kids in the future. I tried to convince myself to want marriage and kids but in the end; I could not abandon my truth and live a life I did not want. We had an amicable break-up and remain good friends but I miss him and miss our relationship.
Yangki’s Answer: I respect you for living your truth. If your ex wants kids and you don’t; and the two of you can’t find a “compromise” on kids, it’s best to go your separate ways.
I’m not quite sure what this has to do with commitment phobia; but I’ll answer your question about my personal experience. I have written so much about my commitment phobia days and frankly I feel it’s now too old. So I will not write any more here.
I agree with you that that society puts too much pressure on people to be a certain way. It makes many of us think and believe there is something “missing” or “wrong” with us for being different; or wanting something different.
The truth is not everyone wants marriage or kids; nor will everyone be able to be married and have kids. Some people are happy being married, some people are happy having children; and some people derive joy from other things other than married life or children. Marriage or having kids should not be made to be the ideal for everyone; or the measure of someone’s value and worth.
The human race is blessed with many choices and many paths to enlightenment, happiness and fulfillment. We should each make our informed choices, find our own happiness and live the life we want; rather than trying to conform to other people’s ideals and definitions of who we should be or what we should want.
Whatever your place is right now, make the most out of it. It’s only one life and it’s yours! If later you decide that you want marriage or kids; that should be YOUR decision and choice. If after making that choice and things don’t turn out the way you hoped they would; take responsibility for the choices you made. That’s part of being an actual grown-up individual.
Do not abandon living your truth just to meet the expectations of other people. The cost is too high and certainly not worthy it.
You had a good relationship, so will probably miss your ex for a long time. But letting your ex go so he can have the life, relationship and kids he wants, is a higher form of love; selfless love.
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I’m in my 40s, well established, done my personal growth and would like to get married. But it’s very difficult to find a woman to settle down with. Women look at a man in his late 30s or 40s, never married and no children with suspicion (commitment phobic, too self-centered, etc). If he was one of the “good ones” he’d be taken. The truth is, I’d have been a terrible father in my earlier years – ambitious, workaholic and self-centered. I’m a different man now and remain optimistic but it’s taking it’s toll on the psyche not to mention confidence.
I agree with what you say about women looking with suspicion at a man in his 40s, single and no children. The reality is that some of that “suspicion” is valid and it’s hard sometimes for women to tell who is who. That’s why I advice women to spend sometime “getting to know” the person before dismissing him with prejudice.
Don’t lose hope! All good things take time but it all depends on what you’re looking for, how and where. I’ve noticed that sometimes men in their 40s are more interested in women in their 20s… it’s not my place to judge but what I’ve seen is that women in their 20s are looking for men younger than 40 and those looking for a relationship based on understanding and mutual growth sometimes think… “by the time I’m in my 40s, he’ll be almost 70… Hello Nursemaid!”
Yes, I know… not fair. I’m just telling it like it is!