Question: I suffer from depression and this caused a lot of problems in our relationship and led to the break-up. I’d like to try to get her back but not sure if I should ask her to do anything at this point. She said before that she will not come back until she is sure that things will be different. Last night I told her on the phone that I was seeing a therapist. She did not comment or say anything. Instead she changed the topic. Should I just leave her alone?
Yangki’s Answer: You probably already know that getting back with her is not going to make the depression better. It may make you feel good for a short time but the depression is not dealt with (separately), you’ll start having problems again.
Is it a hopeless situation?
Absolutely not! People who suffer from depression can and do have happy and fulfilling relationships. And they can and do get their ex back. It just takes much longer because some days will be better than others. The key is making choices on a day by day basis — and not to be too hard on yourself on the days that things are not as good. I also think you give yourself too little credit for having a “strong mind” and ability to take responsibility for your depression and actually try to do something about it.
What might be going on in her mind?
In my experience, if someone believes that nothing has changed since the break-up, they are more reluctant to even give it thought than if they actually believe and see that some things have changed. If you find that when you say something, there is a kind of “uncomfortable” silence before she says anything, it’s usually because a part of her says, “this is so familiar, I don’t want to get into it again”.
I want to also add that this may also happen when you say something that makes her think “something is different here. May be he has really changed”. How you tell the difference is how she responds. If she abruptly ends that line of conversation, it’s because some warning signal has gone off. If she sort of pursues it, even for a short while, it’s because she’s trying to figure out exactly what has changed and evaluating the implications for her.
Should you ask her to do anything at this point?
On the good days when you feel better, yes. But this should not be asking her out to try to convince her to come back to you,but rather making contact with her at this point is to slowly let her see that things could be different. It makes it so easy to ask her out again and actually get a positive response when there is some level of “ease” between the two of you again. Prematurely forcing it could just push her further away.
This is not the same as “leave her alone” but rather gain her confidence and trust slowly.