Typical Avoidant Vs. Ex Who’s Not Interested – Pt 2

A little self-reflection can also help you see what you are doing to get the reaction that you are getting from your ex, and correct or change those behaviours that are causing your (avoidant, anxiously-attached or secure) ex to act the way they do.

I am not saying that your ex’s behaviours are excusable or not hurtful, all I am saying is that you can only own and work on your part of the dynamic.

When your ex sees that you are making a genuine effort to understand why they needed to do what they did they way they did it, (e.g. cancel a date more than once, stop responding, lie about not seeing other men or women etc.) and that your efforts are aimed at trying to establish emotional security and trust for both of you (not just for yourself), they will be more understanding of your own behaviours and more comfortable trying to make the relationship work.

As I discussed in my series on Can A Dismissive-Avoidant Ex Want You Back? even avoidants are capable of love, of being sensitive, considerate and caring, and when the relationship offers the safety and security they need, they can be as committed to the relationship as someone who’s securely attached. They earn their security from being with someone who offers security (secure base provider).

But if you are convinced or have proof based on past behaviour that no amount of understanding on your part or efforts aimed at trying to establish safety, security and trust for both of you will make a difference, then you need to be honest with yourself. Is the situation far gone that letting go and/or moving on is the only option? If you do get back together, what kind of relationship will you have without safety, security or trust?

If your ex’s behaviours – avoidant or not – are straight up mean, inconsiderate, insensitive, selfish or uncaring then you need to be honest with yourself about whether this is how you want to be loved. Sometimes wanting someone so bad blinds us to the fact that the object of our desire is incapable of love, incapable of meeting our most important needs, and incapable of being the partner we need and want.

Ignoring all the signs or dismissing them as “avoidant behaviour” is not respecting and loving yourself enough to do what is right by you – and you wonder why your ex doesn’t respect or love you enough to do what is right by you.

It’s unrealistic to expect (and too much to ask of) someone else to love and respect you when not even you loves and respects you. It’s like sitting next to a plate of food and complaining that no one wants to feed you.

1 2

More from Love Doctor Yangki Akiteng
Do Avoidants Get Angry When You Don’t Respond? (Pt. 2)
What you need to remember first and foremost is that WHY an...
Read More