Trying So Hard And Chasing After An Ex Doesn’t Work Try Something Different

Love is not supposed to hurt, and relationships were never designed for us to suffer or struggle. But why do many of us struggle with relationships?

When you fall in love, you want to believe that a loving connection will always be present in your relationship. You want the good times to last forever, but when the other person does not reciprocate the way you expect them to, or when they stop reciprocating the way they used to, you feel as though you failed somewhere along the way; and whatever is happening is a consequence of your failure. Why else would it be happening?

You try to figure out what you did wrong so you can fix the problem. You feel that if you knew exactly what went wrong, you could make everything right (again).

You try harder and harder thinking that if you just work at it a little harder, or if you just do one more thing, you will get the situation fixed. You read relationship books, download articles and podcasts, frequent blogs, learn techniques, talk to “experts” and attend workshops, all in search of any information, any encouraging words which say “hang in there, your hard work will pay off”.

For a while this seems productive and may even improve things a little. But sooner or later, other problems show up. No matter what action you take, nothing can make everything right (again). All you get is more frustration, more stress, more worry and more fear.

Like most people in struggling relationships, you genuinely believe that you’re struggling because something is wrong with your partner.  If only you could make the see your point of view. If only you could get them to be a certain way, act a certain way. If only they did more of this or less of that everything would be fine.

Like most you don’t realize that your frustration, stress, worry and fear is a result of how YOU are reacting to what is happening.

Anytime we try to force a relationship to happen or to work in a particular way — often it’s the way we envisioned, expected, and planned — we will meet with resistance either from within us or from the other person. And if we react to their resistance with resistance of our own, we’ll struggle and the relationship will struggle despite our best intentions.

When all seems to have failed and you are short of calling quits on your relationship, stop and ask yourself if how you are approaching the situation may be the problem.

1. Do you have a struggle mentality?

I personally believe that a struggle mentality is something passed on us by our parents or significant care givers, but that’s a topic for another article.

If you are not sure if you have a struggle mentality or not, look at your life in general.

  • Do you find yourself in one emotional drama one after another (constant conflict with others, being “misunderstood” all the time, constantly apologizing for things you didn’t “intend” to happen a certain way, making “stupid mistakes” all the time, etc.?
  • Do you constantly feel overwhelmed by things happening to you?
  • Is the quality of your life affected by your feeling like you are struggling?

This is where the “work” to remove struggle from your relationship needs to start.

2. Are you focusing more on the problem and/or your ex?

People who focus on their external circumstances or what others are “doing” often react to things as “victims” rather than solution creators. Victim reactions are defensive (whether the hurt is real, imaginary or self-created); and it’s that defensiveness that creates struggle.

Start focusing on you more:

  • What are you responsible for?
  • What can you change?
  • How can you nurture your well-being and not have to rely on the relationship/and or your partner to do it for you?

You can get more done to improve your relationship simply by saying good-bye to struggle and struggle responses. Yes, you can achieve what you want without having to try so hard, or chase after it so hard that you can’t enjoy the experience or the relationship.

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7 Comments

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  1. says: Ashton

    I have trouble focusing on improving myself because many of the circumstances that have brought us to where we are completely outside of my control.

    1. says: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      Then work on improving what is within your control. At the end of the day, those are really the only things you can change.

  2. says: Judd

    I keep telling myself that this relationship shouldn’t be so hard, or that if I could just give it a chance it would work out and go back to the way it was…But it won’t, will it, because I’ll always be walking on eggshells, waiting for something to go wrong again. I love this guy, but we want different things.

  3. says: Drew

    I stopped freaking out about things that I couldn’t control and take action on the things I could. Some of the problems still exist, but my outlook is completely different. Seems simple, but it works

  4. says: jasmine

    my boyfriend and i are currently seperated and he keeps saying he wants to be back with me but then he says he doesnt knw..we argue all the time.. he always brings up the past and what ive done and he claims he just mr innocent.. me personally i want to make things work out with him but i feel like he is too immature and he’s really playing games with my heart by making me think we have a chance when we really dont… i jus want to knw what should i do? she i leave him for good and move on with my life or should i try to make things work out with him?

    1. Leave him for good and move on with your life or try to make things work out with him is a decision only you can make. I don’t believe in making decisions for others that they should be making for themselves. As a coach, I can only help you with whatever decision you make or whatever side you’re already leaning towards. Making decisions for you isn’t empowering you to OWN your life — and relationship (be responsible!).