Question: Yangki, I like your approach and agree with much of what you say. I am a dumpee and often wonder if my ex think of me and misses. And I have also been reading other sites that say it’s better to give him space so he misses you because it’s human nature to idealize what we don’t have. If he misses you when you’re not there he will realize how much you mean to him. As a dumpee is it normal to wonder if your ex thinks of you and misses you?
Yangki’s Answer: Yes. It is normal to wonder if your ex thinks of you and misses you. It’s normal whether you are the dumpee or the dumper. I don’t though think it’s “human nature to idealize what we don’t have”. I won’t get into that here…though!
So while it is normal to wonder if your ex think of you and misses you, the big question is:
What are you going to do with the knowledge that your ex thinks of you and misses you?
Are you going to exploit the fact that your ex thinks of you and misses you? Maybe play a few silly mind games to get your ex to reach out? OR Are you going to use this an opportunity for a new and better relationship?
These are your choices:
1. Wait for your ex to reach out first
Many dumpees don’t reach out first because they have this believe that the dumper should reach out first.
Some dumpers realize how much they miss you when you are not there, and reach out first. How long you wait for them depends on you. If your ex is a fearful avoidant, chances are that they are doing no-contact, and will reach out only after whatever number of days the “experts” tell them. And if your ex is anxious preoccupied they’ll probably reach out sooner within a few days or weeks, unless they too are doing no-contact.
Keep in mind that some dumpers think of you and miss you but don’t act on it. If you don’t contact them, it’s pretty much over. Fearful avoidants and some anxious preoccupied. After a while they get too scared to reach out because they are afraid you might not respond, or respond and are not interested.
The third group of dumpers are the out of sight is out of mind. They don’t about you and they don’t miss you. But if you reach out, the feelings slowly start coming back. Dismissive avoidants fall in this category.
As you can see, dumpers don’t always reach out first. This is why the advice “how to make your ex miss you” is misleading. It assumes that when an ex misses you, they will read out.
2. Be the first to reach out to your ex
If your ex doesn’t reach out first and you don’t contact your ex, it’s pretty much over. You thought about them and missed them. They thought about you and missed. End of the story.
My advice has always been to reach out first. Yes, it’s scary because it makes it look like you want your ex more than they want you, but so what?
You want them, why pretend you don’t want them? Why play stupid “make-my ex miss me” mind games? What if they miss you and don’t reach out, then what?
I have worked with so many people who waited for their ex to miss then and contact them for months. Some of them come to me 6 months after the break-up, asking how to reach out to their ex. I tell them upfront. We will work on a text to send your ex and see if your ex will respond. But realistically time is not on your side. They waited too long for their ex to miss them and reach out, it never happened.
Most exes don’t even bother to respond. Others respond and have the attitude of “who are you again?”. Then there are clients who missed you but never reached out because they were going though some personal stuff that had nothing to do with the break-up. They hoped you’d reach out but you didn’t and be there for them when they needed you. You reach out months later, and they are angry. Can you blame them?
Put yourself in your ex’s shoes and (God forbid) you had a serious car accident, were diagnosed with a serious illness, lost your job or just wanted emotional support from someone who knows you and understands you. Maybe you even reached out to your ex and they did not respond because they are trying to “make you miss them”.
You go through the difficult experience and not one time did they reach out to check on you. Would you want them back?
“How to make my ex miss me” advice sets you up an unhealthy relationship
Personally, I would be concerned and sad that I am only missed when I am gone. I would ask myself, “Is this how I want to be loved or wanted? What does it say about our relationship? What does it say about me?”.
I think many will agree with me that it’s a wonderful feeling knowing that you are so loved that someone misses you when you are:
- Right across the room and they walk up to you to give you a hug.
- Sitting next to them and they reach out for you just because they wanted to feel you.
- The first face they want to see in the morning and reach out for you because they missed you while they slept right next to you.
Wouldn’t you rather spend time learning how to create the kind of attraction that makes someone miss you and want you whether you are there or not, than spend time counting how many days for your ex to miss you, or doing things to ‘make your ex miss you” that bring question to your character, maturity and emotional or mental stability?
To the dumpee asking if their ex thinks of them, misses them
I am not asking you to believe my words, I am asking you examine what you believe about relationships. I am asking you to ask yourself how you want to be loved.
In the scheme of things, we create our reality (and relationship experiences), by how we think, what we believe, what we say and what we do.