Should I Reach Out Or Wait For My Avoidant Ex to Reach Out?

Question: Should I wait for my ex to reach out first or should I reach out first?

I have also been reading other sites that say it’s better to give avoidants space so they miss you because it’s human nature to idealize what we don’t have. If they miss you when you’re not there they will realize how much you mean to him. As a dumpee, in no contact for 12 days, I can’t help but wonder if my ex thinks of you me. misses you. In your opinion, is it better to wait for my ex to reach out first or should I reach out first? I don’t want to disprect their boundary for space but I also don’t want to wait forever.

Yangki’s Answer: I’m aware of the advice to give avoidants space so they miss you and I’ll explain a secure attachment thinking about “so they miss you” shortly.

First, I want to say that I disagree with the idea that it’s human nature to idealize what we don’t have. A better statement is, it’s a sign of unhealthy attachment to idealize what we don’t have

Idealizing what one doesn’t have keeps the focus on longing instead of relating, attached to fantasy rather than reality and and perpetuates the pull-push cycle. You can read about it here.

That said, there is nothing wrong with wondering if your ex thinks of you and misses you. Even securely attached wonder if their ex thinks of them and misses them. The difference is that with securely attached, they stay grounded in what’s actually happening, not in what they hope their ex might be feeling.

Securely attached also don’t stay stuck in speculation, they eventually take action because just wondering if their ex thinks of them and misses them doesn’t change the reality of the situation if there is no connection or communication.

Missing someone and choosing to reconnect are two very different things

A person can feel nostalgic, remember good moments, or even miss the familiarity of the relationship without taking any steps to rebuild it.

What ultimately matters is not if your ex misses you, but what they are willing to express and act on. Without action, wondering whether they miss you can easily become a mental loop that keeps you emotionally tied to a situation or attachment that doesn’t exist in reality.

The secure way of thinking is not “Do they miss me?” but “What is actually happening between us now?” — because the answer to that question tells you far more about the future than guessing about feelings that may never be expressed, especially if you’re dealing with an avoidant ex.

In reality, there are only two options.

1. Wait for them to reach out first

Waiting can feel safer because it removes the risk of rejection and gives you a clearer signal of their interest. If they contact you, you know the initiative came from them. But waiting also means accepting uncertainty. They may miss you and still never reach out, or they may simply move on with their life. Waiting only gives you information if they actually act on their feelings.

2. Reach out first

Reaching out gives you clarity faster. Instead of wondering what they might be thinking, you create an opportunity to see how they respond now. But it’s important to be realistic: reaching out doesn’t make someone reconnect if they don’t want to. It simply opens the door and allows you to see whether there is still willingness on the other side.

What matters most is understanding that neither option guarantees a particular outcome. Someone can miss you and still stay silent. And someone who hears from you may respond warmly—or not at all.

The real difference between the two options is how secure you are with either option

Some people wait for their ex to reach out because they feel calm and confident giving the other person space. They are not watching their phone every day or interpreting silence as rejection. Waiting, for them, simply means allowing things to unfold without forcing an outcome.

Others reach out first because they are comfortable taking initiative. They are not doing it to relieve anxiety or to chase reassurance. They are simply open to seeing what happens and prepared for whatever response they get.

The problem isn’t usually the choice itself — it’s the emotional state behind the choice. Waiting can come from quiet confidence, or it can come from fear of rejection. Reaching out can come from secure openness, or it can come from anxiety and a need for reassurance.

When you approach either option from a more secure place, the focus shifts. You’re not trying to control whether your ex misses you or whether they come back. You’re simply allowing the situation to reveal itself, knowing that your wellbeing doesn’t depend on the outcome.

The exception is when an ex says to wait for them to reach out

In that situation, the choice is no longer between you reaching out or waiting for them to reach out first. The choice has already been made for you: they have asked for space and control over when communication resumes.

When someone explicitly says this, the most secure response is to respect that boundary. Contacting them anyway usually sends the opposite message — that you either didn’t hear them or don’t trust their process. Respecting the request shows emotional maturity and an ability to honour boundaries, which is important after a breakup.

But there is an important mindset shift that keeps this healthy: Waiting for them to reach out does not mean putting your life on hold. One of the biggest traps after a breakup is staying in a “holding pattern” where your life becomes centred around whether your ex will contact you.

A more secure way to approach it is:

• Respect their request and wait for them to reach out.
• Continue living your life normally instead of waiting emotionally.
• If they reach out, you can decide then whether you want to reconnect.

In other words, when an ex says “wait for me to reach out,” the healthiest interpretation isn’t “wait for me.” It’s “respect the space I asked for — and keep moving forward with your life.”

Waiting for them should not turn into an open-ended pause where your needs are on hold

A healthy dynamic is not built on one person’s needs being respected while the other person’s needs are indefinitely put aside.

Giving them some time communicates that you respect their need for space. At the same time, having a limit on how long you wait communicates that your need for clarity, communication, and mutual effort also matters.

A brief check-in after giving them space is not breaking the boundary or chasing them. You are simply acknowledging that relationships work best when both people’s needs — for space and for communication — are taken into account.

A helpful guide is:

• 3 – 7 days for an anxious preoccupied ex.
• 7 – 10 days for a fearful avoidant ex — depending on whether they anxious or avoidant.
• 10 – 2 weeks for a dismissive avoidant ex.

This is usually a reasonable amount of time to give someone the space they asked for, especially if emotions were high at the time of the breakup. It’s also a reasonable amount of time if you are hoping to create a dynamic where your needs are also respected.

If you haven’t heard from them, sending a simple, low-pressure check-in can be appropriate. Keep in mind that a check-in is not to reopen the relationship conversation, but simply to acknowledge the time that has passed and you still care about their well-being.

A check-in might sound something like:

Hi, I hope all is well. When we last spoke you said you’d reach out when you felt ready. I respect that and will continue to give you the time you need. Just checking in not to reopen communication but to see how you’re are. I hope everything is well.

The key is the tone: calm and respectful of both people without the “no pressure to respond” disclaimer that unintentionally sounds like you’re bracing for rejection.

If they respond, you have new information about where things stand. If they don’t respond, that silence is also information. At that point, the healthiest move is usually to stop waiting and continue moving forward with your life rather than staying in uncertainty.

In short: Waiting for a while is respect for them. But not waiting forever is about self-respect.

RELATED:

How Likely Is It That Your Avoidant Ex Will Reach Out? [TEST]

Avoidant Reached Out 2 Days After Breaking Up – Reply Or Not?

Avoidants Thinking Of Reconnecting Process The Breakup Faster

10 Fearful Avoidant Replies To Your First Text After No Contact