Avoidant Ex – Contact, Connect and Attract An Avoidant – 12

A dismissive-avoidant is willing to put in the work to make a relationship work if they can somehow be guaranteed that they can still maintain most of their independence and autonomy even in a relationship, there is no pressure for them to be a certain way (the way you want them to be) and you can and will meet most of your needs on your own.

This is the stable, secure and loving base for attracting back a dismissive-avoidant. Words or behaviours that suggest otherwise will get you the typical pushing you away, withdrawing from contact. “I don’t care” attitude or cold and sometimes hostile responses.

When a dismissive-avoidant pulls away, sometimes asking “Is there something I should be concerned/worried about?” works with dismissive-avoidants too, but unlike fearful-avoidants, dismissive-avoidants prefer more direct communication. That’s how they communicate and that’s how they expect others to communicate.

Securely attached individuals are better at direct communication and therefore better at communicating with dismissive-avoidants. Both attachment styles score very low to none on attachment anxiety and when they communicate neither is afraid of losing the other. Both attachment styles also score high on a positive view of themselves and in self-confidence which helps in being able to communicate directly and assertively.

Direct communication is harder for someone with attachment anxiety and fearful-avoidants because of high anxiety and fear. This is why it’s very important to work on becoming securely attached.

The more secure you are, the easier it is to share your feelings and expresses your needs appropriately and at the right time, thus creating a secure space of open communication and the opportunity for both of you to grow closer together, and for attraction and love to grow.

The more secure you are, the easier it is to share your feelings and expresses your needs appropriately and at the right time, thus creating a secure space where you can share your attachment needs without the fear of coming across and needy and/or pushing your ex away.

But perhaps more importantly, becoming more securely attached can play an important role in providing your avoidant ex with a sense of ‘felt security”.

There is increasing evidence that partner’s attachment security plays an important role in bolstering the motivation to maintain and persist in a relationship. To invest in a relationship individual’s need to feel secure enough in their partners’ availability and responsiveness in order to be willing to open themselves up to the risk of hurt and rejection.

Acting as a secure base providing secure base love, support, and commitment will signal safety and a reason to trust that a healthier and more fulling relationship is possible. This is all the more important if there was distancing and hostility following the break-up. With time, your ex will be able to trust that you want what is best for them and will be there for them when they need connection and closeness and will give them the space they need when they need their own space and time.

Repeated experiences of felt security are a necessary condition for mitigating the negative effects of a partner’s attachment insecurity. Repeated experiences of felt security also provide the opportunity for both of you to grow closer together, and for attraction and love to grow.

You can’t directly change your ex’s attachment style but you can show up in ways that encourage your ex to reciprocate.

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2 Comments

  • Yangki, I have very strong dismissive tendencies. All my relationships have begun and ended on my terms. I pride myself on how quickly I forget and move on from relationships. Long story short, I once again ended things with my ex. We didn’t speak for a couple of weeks but then she reached out. I didn’t respond but after reading your articles I broke my avoidant tendencies and responded. She asked if she could call and we had a 15-minute conversation. Since then she texts me almost daily and I try to respond but I’m starting to feel suffocated. I don’t want her to think I want to be left alone but I also don’t like feeling suffocated, if that makes sense.

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    • It does. Everything you wrote does… 🙂

      It’s best to tell her how much contact you are comfortable with. Most people if you tell them respectfully understand some people need more contact and others need less. Don’t wait until it’s
      too much” and pull away or tell her how you feel when you are ‘frustrated” (dismissive way).

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