Attachment Anxiety – How to Stop Overanalyzing Relationships

how-to-stop-over-analyzing-your-relationship

If you’re tired of overthinking relationships to a point of ruining them; this will help you stop overanalyzing your relationship.

First of all, reading between the lines and analyzing information we receive is an intrinsic part of who we are as human beings. Analyzing helps us make decisions based on facts and not just feeling or intuition. From attracting back your ex perspective, analyzing what we read in a text or see in an ex’s actions helps discover useful information that leads to better decisions. Analyzing also helps us plan our actions strategically.

The problem with overthinkers and overanalyzes is that they take what is a part of human nature too far; sometimes to an insane and ultimately unhealthy degree.

Anxious attachment and overthinking and overanalyzing

If you tend to overthink and overanalyze your relationships, you definitely have an anxious attachment style. You may have an anxious preoccupied attachment style or a fearful avoidant attachment style leaning anxious.

With attachment anxiety comes a lot of overthinking and overanalyzing because the fear of rejection, fear of abandonment; and concerns about being unappreciated. These fears and concerns cause you to obsessively go over and over every word in a conversation; and every action the other person takes. You end up driving yourself crazy worrying and obsession over small things; and wasting so much time over nothing.

Something that is so simple and straightforward becomes so ridiculously complicated.  Some people so over analyze that when they eventually decide to act on what they think the other person said/meant; everything goes wrong because what they’re acting on is a reality they made up all on their own. Somewhere in their over analysis they completely lost touch with what was really said or what really happened.

These simple changes in attitude and behaviour will help you stop overanalyzing your relationship.

1. Understand and embrace why you overthink and overanalyze

The first step to stop overthinking and overanalyzing your relationship is to acknowledge that you tend to overthink and overanalyze your relationships.

Overthinking and overanalyzing is a bad habit that ruins relationships, but just because you overthink or overanalyze relationships doesn’t make you a bad relationship partner.

As mentioned at the beginning of the article, there are benefits to intensive thinking and analytical reflection, and you need to embrace this part of you that needs to discover useful information.

Learning to embrace your perceived or real flaws can help you better understand what is causing it; and find take taking action to get rid or improve it.

2. Stop looking for hidden meanings and messages that are not really there

There’s this old Zen parable that explains that not everything has a hidden meaning.

A Zen master was resting with his quick-witted disciple. At one point, the master took a melon out of his bag and cut it in half for the two of them to eat. In the middle of the meal, the enthusiastic disciple said, “My wise teacher, I know everything you do has a meaning. Sharing this melon with me may be a sign that you have something to teach me.” The master continued eating in silence.

“I understand the mysterious question in your silence,” insisted the student. “I think it is this: the excellent taste of this melon that I am experiencing … is the taste on the melon or on my tongue …” The master still said nothing. The disciple got a bit frustrated at his master’s apparent indifference.

The disciple continued, ” … and like everything in life, this too has meaning. I think I’m closer to the answer; the pleasure of the taste is an act of love and interdependence between the two, because without the melon there wouldn’t be an object of pleasure and without pleasure …”

“Enough!” exclaimed the master. “The biggest fools are those who consider themselves the most intelligent and seek an interpretation for everything! The melon is good; please let this be enough. Let me eat it in peace!”

Not everything your partner or ex says or does has “hidden” meanings and messages. Learn to take people’s words and actions at face value a little more. You don’t have to stick your head in the sand or “dumb down”, just stop trying to read more into everything.

3. Slow down and take things one day at a time

People who overanalyze and overthink engage in mind-reading, second-guessing, reality altering  are often too focused in the past or so far into the future that they ignore, hide from or forget about the present. Their minds are light days/weeks ahead of the present reality.

If this is you, learn to take one moment at a time and one day at a time as nobody can predict with 100%accuracy what will happen or not happen. There can and there will always be another perspective, reason, explanation, interpretation or something that will happen that you may have not even thought of. When the future you dread so much comes, you may find that it’s not as bad as you had imagined in your head — and you may have read into a situation something that isn’t there.

It’d be great if we could think up everything in advance to get the outcome we want or avoid those things we don’t want to happen. And it would be great if we could turn back the clock of life and un-say or undo some things. But we all know that’s not possible. So learn to trust the unknown a little more. Whatever happens will take care of itself if things are kept positive and realistic.

4. Focus on someone or something other than you (for a change)

If you find yourself so wrapped up in clutter thoughts, it’s most likely because you’ve gone far too deep inwards and are far too focused on you in an unhealthy way.

Focusing less on what’s going on in your mind and more on what’s going on around you keeps you present. Spend more time with friends and family, help someone else, join a cause that stands for something truly meaningful etc.  The more of yourself you share with others, the less time you have to turn in circles in your head.

5. Redirect your creativity

Understanding and embracing why you overthink and overanalyze your relationships helps you have compassion towards yourself. This is much better than thinking you are a bad relationship partner because you ruin relationships with overthinking and overanalyzing them.

Instead of trying to stop overthinking and overanalyzing your relationships; see if you can train yourself to direct that energy into a creative outlet.

There are other things in life that require focused intensive thinking and can take your mind off overthinking and overanalyzing your relationship, your partner or your ex.

6. Get professional help

If you think you can not stop overthinking and overanalyzing your relationships on your own, seek professional help to try to help you stop the behaviour or redirect it to healthier outlets.

RELATED:

10 Signs You Are Obsessed With Your Ex (Attachment Anxiety)

Attract Back An Avoidant Ex:1 – Attachment Styles Can Help

13 Signs Your Ex Has An Anxious Attachment Style (Is Needy)

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34 Comments

  1. says: RayD

    We were apart for a long time, almost 3 years. One day I looked her up, we texted each other and decided to meet the next day. We both admitted that the attraction was still there and things moved quickly. Within 6 months we were practically living together, either at her place or mine. For a couple of weeks now I’ve noticed her pulling away. She says I overanalyze everything and want answers where there are no answers. She says it makes her feel not trusted. The truth is I love her and trust her, I just can’t help constantly analyzing the relationship to the point of wanting to end it to stop the constant chatter in my head.

    1. At least you recognize that most of the time it has nothing to do with the other person… it’s all you… in your head.

      I think that it might help your relationship (and you too) if you worked on trying to trust more. In my personal experience, I’ve realized that when my mind gets stuck on something, it’s not usually about that something. The constant coming back to it is just a signal that there is a deeper underlying issue that needs to be dealt with.

      It’s like when you have a problem with one of your teeth and your tongue keeps going to it, or you have an itch and your hand just goes there without you even thinking about it.

      There is a reason your mind keeps going there. May be you’re afraid she’ll cheat on you or leave you, and your mind is looking for an excuse for you to get out before it happens. May be it’s self-esteem issues, not feeling good enough for her. May be it’s something else. Deal with whatever it is, and you will not have to get out of the relationship to give your mind a rest.

  2. says: charlie

    I like this article it definatly speaks to me. Im seeing someone and tend to overanalyze things she’s says. She’s a single mom and dating someone with a child is different from what im used too. I don’t want to mess this up so im just going to breath a little more and find something else to focus on.

  3. says: Cathy M.

    I overanalyze everything… texts, conversations, body language, actions. I have ruined many good relationships with it. Recently someone I love very much broke up with me because he felt that nothing he did made me happy because I scrutinize excessively. I’m tired of being this way, and will use your advice to change my ways.

  4. says: adam

    My girlfriend fell asleep as my thoughts consumed me. I got so frustrated overthinking our relationship I searched for some kind of relief, and I found this. It seems like I can never be happy in a relationship without finding myself here time and time again. I always find excuses to doubt whether or not she really loves me, or if we are really meant for each other. I should leave it alone. This is helpful.

    1. Responding instead of reacting takes a while getting used to. Even I sometimes catch myself going on auto (reaction). What helps is just being aware of your mind’s habits and asking yourself, “Am I reacting to how I perceive the situation or a responding to what is actually happening”.

      Just watch that you don’t start over-thinking it too. The mind is a funny thing.

      All the best & lots of love… (:

  5. says: valarie

    I read this article and it helped me, I’m that person who worries over everything and read into things that are not even there. I try to stop doing it but i find myself back to thinking about the whys and the whats. I always think the worst of the situation after a week. Im finding this website very helpful. I just hope i can stop the over thinking and enjoy being with the person without thinking that they are out to play me or hurt me.

  6. says: Brains

    I tend to over analyze things but that is because I want to understand it and be able to come up with a sensible solution. I don’t see anything wrong with that.

    1. You don’t see anything wrong because there is nothing wrong if your analysis actually leads to a sensible solution.

      It’s a problem if you over analyze something to the point that it leads to 1) you speculating and worrying about things that aren’t going to happen, 2) your analysis keeps you in a mental spiral loop or, 3) you over analyze to a point where you can’t take any action in any direction.

  7. says: Zerinah

    I found this in my search on over thinking relationships. We initially agreed to just give each other space so we can rediscover that feeling again but then it became a breakup. For 5 months we maintained contact. A part of me says this is a good thing but the other part me says it will not work.

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