If you’re tired of overthinking relationships to a point of ruining them; this will help you stop overanalyzing your relationship.
First of all, reading between the lines and analyzing information we receive is an intrinsic part of who we are as human beings. Analyzing helps us make decisions based on facts and not just feeling or intuition. From attracting back your ex perspective, analyzing what we read in a text or see in an ex’s actions helps discover useful information that leads to better decisions. Analyzing also helps us plan our actions strategically.
The problem with overthinkers and overanalyzes is that they take what is a part of human nature too far; sometimes to an insane and ultimately unhealthy degree.
Anxious attachment and overthinking and overanalyzing
If you tend to overthink and overanalyze your relationships, you definitely have an anxious attachment style. You may have an anxious preoccupied attachment style or a fearful avoidant attachment style leaning anxious.
With attachment anxiety comes a lot of overthinking and overanalyzing because the fear of rejection, fear of abandonment; and concerns about being unappreciated. These fears and concerns cause you to obsessively go over and over every word in a conversation; and every action the other person takes. You end up driving yourself crazy worrying and obsession over small things; and wasting so much time over nothing.
Something that is so simple and straightforward becomes so ridiculously complicated. Some people so over analyze that when they eventually decide to act on what they think the other person said/meant; everything goes wrong because what they’re acting on is a reality they made up all on their own. Somewhere in their over analysis they completely lost touch with what was really said or what really happened.
These simple changes in attitude and behaviour will help you stop overanalyzing your relationship.
1. Understand and embrace why you overthink and overanalyze
The first step to stop overthinking and overanalyzing your relationship is to acknowledge that you tend to overthink and overanalyze your relationships.
Overthinking and overanalyzing is a bad habit that ruins relationships, but just because you overthink or overanalyze relationships doesn’t make you a bad relationship partner.
As mentioned at the beginning of the article, there are benefits to intensive thinking and analytical reflection, and you need to embrace this part of you that needs to discover useful information.
Learning to embrace your perceived or real flaws can help you better understand what is causing it; and find take taking action to get rid or improve it.
2. Stop looking for hidden meanings and messages that are not really there
There’s this old Zen parable that explains that not everything has a hidden meaning.
A Zen master was resting with his quick-witted disciple. At one point, the master took a melon out of his bag and cut it in half for the two of them to eat. In the middle of the meal, the enthusiastic disciple said, “My wise teacher, I know everything you do has a meaning. Sharing this melon with me may be a sign that you have something to teach me.” The master continued eating in silence.
“I understand the mysterious question in your silence,” insisted the student. “I think it is this: the excellent taste of this melon that I am experiencing … is the taste on the melon or on my tongue …” The master still said nothing. The disciple got a bit frustrated at his master’s apparent indifference.
The disciple continued, ” … and like everything in life, this too has meaning. I think I’m closer to the answer; the pleasure of the taste is an act of love and interdependence between the two, because without the melon there wouldn’t be an object of pleasure and without pleasure …”
“Enough!” exclaimed the master. “The biggest fools are those who consider themselves the most intelligent and seek an interpretation for everything! The melon is good; please let this be enough. Let me eat it in peace!”
Not everything your partner or ex says or does has “hidden” meanings and messages. Learn to take people’s words and actions at face value a little more. You don’t have to stick your head in the sand or “dumb down”, just stop trying to read more into everything.
3. Slow down and take things one day at a time
People who overanalyze and overthink engage in mind-reading, second-guessing, reality altering are often too focused in the past or so far into the future that they ignore, hide from or forget about the present. Their minds are light days/weeks ahead of the present reality.
If this is you, learn to take one moment at a time and one day at a time as nobody can predict with 100%accuracy what will happen or not happen. There can and there will always be another perspective, reason, explanation, interpretation or something that will happen that you may have not even thought of. When the future you dread so much comes, you may find that it’s not as bad as you had imagined in your head — and you may have read into a situation something that isn’t there.
It’d be great if we could think up everything in advance to get the outcome we want or avoid those things we don’t want to happen. And it would be great if we could turn back the clock of life and un-say or undo some things. But we all know that’s not possible. So learn to trust the unknown a little more. Whatever happens will take care of itself if things are kept positive and realistic.
4. Focus on someone or something other than you (for a change)
If you find yourself so wrapped up in clutter thoughts, it’s most likely because you’ve gone far too deep inwards and are far too focused on you in an unhealthy way.
Focusing less on what’s going on in your mind and more on what’s going on around you keeps you present. Spend more time with friends and family, help someone else, join a cause that stands for something truly meaningful etc. The more of yourself you share with others, the less time you have to turn in circles in your head.
5. Redirect your creativity
Understanding and embracing why you overthink and overanalyze your relationships helps you have compassion towards yourself. This is much better than thinking you are a bad relationship partner because you ruin relationships with overthinking and overanalyzing them.
Instead of trying to stop overthinking and overanalyzing your relationships; see if you can train yourself to direct that energy into a creative outlet.
There are other things in life that require focused intensive thinking and can take your mind off overthinking and overanalyzing your relationship, your partner or your ex.
6. Get professional help
If you think you can not stop overthinking and overanalyzing your relationships on your own, seek professional help to try to help you stop the behaviour or redirect it to healthier outlets.
10 Signs You Are Obsessed With Your Ex (Attachment Anxiety)
Attract Back An Avoidant Ex:1 – Attachment Styles Can Help
I realize that the thing that is holding me back is my fear of the unknown- will he respond a certain way, will he find someone else, will he go hot and cold, will I be able to get him back…. I find that I get so consumed by it all that I can’t focus on the here and now. I’m either trapped in the past, or in the future. Learning how to be present is something that I realize is the key to being successful in any avenue, but particularly in terms of trying to get an ex back. Thank you for reinforcing that here- it has been very clarifying
Yangki, I love your advice. I share your philosophy and reading your articles inspires me to be a better partner as well as a better human being.
If you ever come to Vermont USA, I’d love to buy you coffee and hangout with you.
I read “Vermont” and for a moment I thought it was Bernie Sanders. I almost fainted with joy…
No plans to come to the USA in the near future, but if I ever did… I’d take the coffee to go, unless you are paying me to hang out with you. I charge a fee for my advice you know.
If you are thinking of hanging out as friends, no relationship advice talk, I warn you, I am so boring that you’d cry into your coffee. Some nerdies are boring, this one is X2, that’s why you don’t see any tweets or instagram from me. No one would be interested. May be it’s best to just hangout on the internet, for now… 😉
I really needed to read this I’ve been single 2 years after a bad break up.I met nice guys but I over aanalyze and overthink every little detail until it drives me insane and I make up all kinds of negative scenarios in my head. Im always thinking somebody is out to get me and hurt me. It sucks I just want to be happy but I sabotage and push everyone away.
My ex and I broke up after dating for three years. The only contact we had for two months is when we run into each other. After spending two weeks on your blog and buying your ebook, I contacted him and we started talking again on a regular basis. He’s been working on himself and showing all the signs that he has truly changed. My concern is that i don’t know if I want to get back together with him. Sometime i know i want him back and can work things out but than there are other days when i think there is someone better for him out there and that i am not the right woman for him. I don’t want to hurt him and I’m scared that I will. Any advice?
I think that you are getting way ahead of yourself. You’ve only just started communicating and I don’t see anything in your comment that says he’s told you he wants you back. It may be that he wants you back, but let things play out slowly instead of over-thinking them to a premature conclusion.
That said, you’re right to be concerned. The fact that you even think that there is someone better for him out there says that you don’t feel good about yourself. Even if the two of you agreed to try the relationship again, your insecurities/inadequacies will undermine your efforts.
Take things slowly to give yourself time to work on you. If after you’ve worked on your insecurities/inadequacies you still don’t know if you want to get back together, then make your decision on what you should do from a place of self-value and self-confidence. You may find that you want him in your life but not as a boyfriend.