Why Your Ex’s Interest Is Not Increasing (Stalled)

When trying to get back your ex, not acting needy or pushy can only take you so far. At some point, you’ll notice your ex’s interest stall.

Your are not acting needy, are taking things slow, not bringing up the old relationship, not asking to get back together or doing any of the things you are not supposed to do, but your ex’s interest is not increasing.

It’s like things got to a certain point, and stayed there.

What gives?

The answer is simple. You have nothing new to bring to the relationship.

Look at it this way. You have been shopping for the car of your dreams for years and happened on just the right car at your local dealership. You take it for a test ride and the first few miles are a total bliss.

Then you start noticing the car makes a little too much noise, the seat is a little too hard, the brakes don’t work too well etc.

You tell the dealership that you really like the car. It’s the right model, colour and everything, but it needs some work. They tell you to come back in two weeks but when you return, nothing has been done on the car or only some things have been worked on.

Would you take the car home with all the work that still needs be done?

Now think of an ex who ended the relationship because there were some things about you or the relationship that they were not happy about. They may even still love you but don’t want to try things again because they just can’t see how they can be in a relationship with you when nothing has changed.

My point is: If all you are doing is pushing to get back together because you are scared that your ex will move on or counting how many days before your next contact, you are completely missing the point.

To get your ex’s interest again, you have to take him or her for another text drive, only this time make him or her question (with interest) what they think they already know about you. The catch is that you can only do that if something about you has improved, is new or has been worked on.

Since change takes time, start with small things, they add up over time.

1. Show a different side of you that your ex has never seen before.

Think of when you first met and started dating. The moments that sparked interest and/or flamed passion was when it felt like you had “discovered” someone unique and special. It’s these moments when we encounter something new and surprisingly pleasant about someone that take a relationship deeper into something more.

If you are not coming into the relationship as a new you, an improved you, a more interesting you, someone readier for a healthy and lasting relationship, you are nothing but a car that was taken for a test drive and found to have “problems” that have not been worked on.

2. Have an interesting fun life.

The thing about interesting people is that they think about interesting things, do interesting things and live interesting lives. Boring people think boring thoughts, do boring things… you get the point.

You can’t expect someone to get interested in you and your life when there is nothing interesting to be interested in, or when all you do is complain about this and that, talk about what’s wrong with your life or keep revisiting the old relationship or the break-up. What this does is weigh down your ex and make them want to get away from “all the negativity”.

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  1. says: Marit

    My ex recently sent me a text message to say hi and asked how I was doing. I was curious considering that we haven’t had any sort of contact for almost 2 years. Over the past few weeks, he and I have been texting non-stop. I’m starting to develop feelings for him again but he says he is not looking for a relationship. He broke up with his ex less than a month ago. To be honest, I don’t mind being just friends with him. We always got along so well. When we broke up he had lost his job and was depressed. He’s a different person now. My question is, is there a chance for us? I don’t want not to have him in my life, but I don’t want to be hurt again either. Any advice?

    1. says: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      As long as you keep in mind that he’s not looking for a relationship, and not let your “feelings” run ahead of you, there is nothing wrong with what you are doing.

      My experience with these sort of situations is that your feelings for him are going to grow over time, especially if you spend so much time together texting and/or in person. If there are still some residual feelings on his part, they may blossom into feelings of being in love… after he’s gotten the other relationship out of him system.

      In short, give it a chance, but it’s a very slippery slope with potential for hurt feelings, if your feelings for him aren’t returned.

      This is one that you have to take very, very, very slowly with eyes wide open.

  2. says: Rebecca

    Yangki, my ex is warming up to me and responds to all my texts. I am just wondering if there are signs that an ex is developing interest and what they are. He broke up with me because I became needy and was nagging him, he said that made him lose interest because i was not he person he fell in love with. I have been following your advice and have made some progress, so thank you. I know I still have a long way to go, but I feel good about where things are compared to two months ago.