Question: My ex says he feels pressured to get back together. How do I make him feel there is no pressure to get back together?
We broke up over six months ago because I was needy and clingy. I’ve worked hard and have filled my life with things I love; and I’m very busy most of the time. We started chatting again a month and half ago, and things were great in the beginning. But for the last couple of weeks he’s been telling me he feels pressured to get back together. Here’s what is funny. I contact him 2 – 3 times a week maybe. He initiates most of the contact. We’ve gone out on only two dates, one which he initiated. So I don’t really understand why he feels pressured t get back together.
He says he loves me and wants a future with me; but he does not think he can give me what I need. What is making him feel pressured and how do I make him feel there is no pressure to get back together?
Yangki’s Answer: The feeling that one is being pressured or that you are needy, is not about how many times you contact your ex. Most of the time, the “pressure” comes NOT from you contacting your ex, but
- why you contact him;
- when you contact him and;
- how much of his time/space/life he feels you are taking up.
If the your ex feels that you are contacting him for no good reason, contacting when he is busy with other things, or if he feels that you have some kind of “agenda” (expressed or not); it doesn’t matter whether you contact him once a week or once a month, as far as he is concerned, it’s still “pressure”.
As long as your ex feels that you want more of his time/space/life than he is comfortable with, or is willing to give to you, to him/her you are needy.
I know, it’s very subjective. That’s why putting a rule or time limit on “how many times to contact your ex” is counterproductive. Each relationship dynamics is different. What one ex feels as needy or pressure may not be to another.
My guess is that he feels pressured to get back together because you’re 39 years old; and you want to settle down soon. He feels pressured to get back together because he thinks you want to settle down sooner than later. If you have not expressed this to him directly, then may be he got the idea from something you said or it could just what he believes. This may explain why he says he does not think he can give you what you need.
Every time you contact him, it reminds him that you want what he can’t give you; or is unable to give you or do for you. What he feels is what is making him feel pressured.
Like I said, it’s purely speculation on my part, but it’s certainly about something he feels he can’t give you; or do for you that make shim feel pressured.
Contacting him twice or three times a week, or even less times isn’t going to make him feel any less pressured. My advice is to have an open heart-to-heart conversation about where the pressure he feels is coming from. You might find that it’s just a miscommunication or misunderstanding.
Will that make him feel even more pressured and withdraw? Probably. But if you don’t get to the root of it, at some point he’s going to withdraw anyways because he feels pressured. At that point, trying to have an open heart-to-heart conversation will be of no use.
Better get ahead of this. You may be able to help him out with his concerns or fears, and save your relationship.