Some of you have left me comments and others have contacted me directly saying you’re finding it hard to reconnect emotionally with your ex. In this article I’ll discuss why it’s hard to reconnect emotionally with your ex; and how you can get back the emotional connection you once had.
Why it’s hard to reconnect emotionally with your ex
I have zeroed on 5 reasons why many people trying to attract back their ex find it difficult to reconnect emotionally with their ex.
1. Sharing article and videos
You share links of what you think your ex might like but that’s all you are doing. You don’t make an extra effort to target positive emotions (or any emotions) at all.
2. Topics to talk about with your ex
You are talking about topics and asking questions that your ex has no interest having a conversation about.
3. Triggering the right emotions in your ex
You are trying to be “positive and cheerful” with an ex who is angry because they feel wronged in some way.
4. Present in the moment
You are not present in the moment because you are busy thinking “how is my ex feeling about me” and/or reading interest signals that aren’t there.
5. Emotions getting in the way
You are not aware or present with of your own emotions and they are getting in the way of emotionally connecting with your ex.
No, 5 is probably the most damaging, simply because break-ups stir a whole stew of intense emotions. Some desired and welcome, and some not. The undesired emotions unfortunately are the strongest and loudest.
How to emotionally reconnect with your ex – empathetic response
If you are truly serious about emotionally reconnecting with your ex, the next time you receive a text from your ex, don’t immediately hit reply. Ask yourself “what emotion is my ex communicating or trying to communicate?”
Try to really be present and feel their emotion as though it was your own emotion. See if you can feel it in your body (emotional empathy). If you can’t feel it in your body, try to think of what they might have been thinking when they sent you the text (cognitive empathy, or perspective-taking).
This is very important. Don’t read into it what you want it to be because you will get caught up in your own thoughts and emotions; and miss what the other person is actually feeling or communicating.
Take a few minutes to reflect on what they must have been feeling when they sent the text. Again, do not read into it what you want to it to be, but what is actually felt and communicated. Ask yourself, “what emotion was being felt when this text/email was written?”.
Once you have identified the emotion, respond to that emotion. If they are excited, share their excitement in a way that validates their experience; and if they seem down, hold the space for them to feel listened to and heard. When you are able to communicate how they feel back to them in away that they can feel that you truly feel how they feel; you will be always, always emotionally connect.
If you are communicating information about what’s going on in your life, before you hit “send”, ask yourself yourself these 3 questions:
1. What emotion am I feeling?
If you can’t accurately articulate your own emotions, how do you expect your ex to pick up the emotion you are communicating?
2. Does my text adequately communicate the emotion I am feeling?
If you are not saying how you try feel, you are leaving it to your ex’s interpretation (and we all know how a misinterpretation of what you are saying can make things go sideways very fast)
3. How will this (text) make my ex feel?
Who we are emotionally attracted to boils down to one thing and one thing only: “How they make us feel”. The assumption is that your ex will pick up your emotion and feel it like it was their own. How do you think you are making them feel?