THIS Is What It Means To “Be There” For Your Avoidant Ex

You’ve probably at one time said to someone “I’m here for you”, “I want to be here for you”, “I want to support you in the way that feels comfortable for you” etc., but what does it really mean to “be there” for your ex?

“Being there” for an ex means you are available for emotional support, to help with a task or practical things, to offer financial assistance, and to generally to care about their well-being. But “being there” for an ex is also non-judging, non-blaming, open and accepting presence that communicates: “I’m still here. You still matter, and your feelings and needs still matter to me even when right now I shouldn’t still be here (you don’t expect me to be here).

When you say “I’m here for you”, it’s a promise 

Being there for your ex is 1) a promise to be open and available to the experience without judgement or blame, 2) a promise not to abandon them when they need you and 3) a promise to be there because you want to, not because you have to.

You can say to your ex “I’m here for you”, “I want to be here for you”, “I want to support you in the way that feels comfortable for you” etc., but if your words don’t match your actions and attitude towards them, your ex will not believe that you will keep your promises. The likely response you will get is “thanks” or “I know”, and that conversation will go nowhere fast.

Communicating in your attitude and actions that you are there for them because you want to is especially important when dealing with avoidants who value their independence and believe they can handle most things on their own. Sometimes saying “I’m here for you” can be triggering for a dismissive avoidant because what they hear is “you need me”. They genuinely believe they don’t need anyone and anyone who says “I’m here for you” has an agenda.

But if you approach them with non-judging, non-blaming, open and accepting attitude, they will be more open to allowing you to be there for them.

Fearful avoidants are more receptive to an ex saying “I’m here for you” but fearful avoidants also have a fear of abandonment. They’ve been told by people who claim to love them that they can always count on them but the same people turned around and disappointed them, hurt them and abandoned them. Because of their experiences, telling a fearful avoidant “I’m here for you” with no specifics of how exactly you are going to be there for them will feel suspicious, and may even trigger a fearful avoidant enough to want to run away from the experience by cutting off contact.

The specifics of how are you going to be there for them helps a fearful avoidant know 1) if they want you to be there for them, 2) if you really mean it and 3) how they’re going to protect themselves from getting hurt or disappointed.

Don’t assume you know how an avoidant wants you to be there for them

Before you tell an avoidant ex that you are there for them, make sure you can explain how you intend to be there for them. Don’t say “I’m here for you” (in the way that feels safe/comfortable for you) if you don’t know what that even looks like. It not only makes for awkward conversations but also feels patronizing and raises doubts about your trustworthiness.

Use what they’ve said in the past about how they wanted you to be there for them or what they or repeatedly complained about or asked for from you i.e. listen to them, don’t judge them or their past, understand their needs/fears/concerns, accept them, validate them, be honest with them, be consistent, don’t push to talk when they don’t want to, don’t raise your voice/yell, help when they need your help, return their calls, don’t ignore texts, don’t avoid hard conversations, check on but not too frequently, express appreciation etc., as your guide for communicating how exactly you will be there for them.

If you have good communication and have established enough safety to be vulnerable with each other, ask your avoidant ex how they want you to be there for them. If they say the don’t know, accept the fact that they may not know because sometimes avoidants don’t know what it means to have someone be there for them. Tell them you understand and if at any time they want to talk about something, want to bounce ideas need you to clarify something or help in some way, you are more than happy to do so.

Showing that they can express themselves without feeling judged, shamed or blamed can make an avoidant feel that you are indeed there for them. This includes not being judgmental towards others especially people close to them or they feel need less judgement from others. If you’re quick to judge and cant accept others, fearful avoidants (because of their negative self-concept and fear of not being good enough or worthy of love) feel that you can’t accept them too.

If in the past you’ve done things that made your avoidant ex feel judged, if you didn’t make enough effort to understand and accept them and acted like you’d only love them if they changed to who you want them to be, take accountability and make genuine repair attempts.

When you make a promise to “be there” for an avoidant without judgement or blame, keep your promise. When you promise to be there for someone because you want to be there, not because you have to, act like it. When you promise not to abandon a fearful avoidant don’t turn around and abandon them. You are only confirming what they already believe. It’s better not to promise them your will not to abandon them. Just don’t say “I’m here for you”.