Things Moved Fast – Will Avoidant Ex Respond If I Reach Out?

Question: Will my avoidant ex respond if I reach out?

My ex is an avoidant, but I can’t figure out whether he is FA or DA. I only just recently discovered attachment styles. We were together 21 months and the breakup came as a shock to me because I thought we had a good relationship. We argued but neither of us raised their voice to the other. I thought everything was going well, then he broke up with me. He said that he needs time to figure out what he wants but I think that things moved too fast and he got scared. When he was leaving we hugged like we didn’t want to let go. What hurts most is can someone say he loves you and cut you off like you never existed. My question to you is: In your experience, does he even want to hear from me? Will he respond if I reached out? I’ve thought of contacting him but thought he probably will not respond. It’s now over 2 months.

Yangki’s Answer: “How can someone say he loves you and breakup?” is a normal feeling in this kind of situation where the relationship was good but an avoidant suddenly breaks up.

Why avoidants end relationships

Everybody is different and everybody has their own reasons for doing the things they do.

The fact that he is an avoidant can explain some of his behaviour, but it doesn’t tell you exactly why he chose to end the relationship.

Avoidants can have strong feelings for someone and still breakup as a way of creating emotional distance when emotions become too difficult or overwhelming for them to manage.

This doesn’t necessarily mean everything you shared and everything he said was a lie. From what you say about the relationship being a good one and how you hugged like neither of you didn’t want to let go, it’s obvious that you loved each other.

And given the kind of relationship you had and that the relationship did not end because of lose of feelings, it’s hard for me to believe that he’s not hurting in some way himself; that he just walked away and has forgotten about you.

You are probably right that things moved too fast and he got scared, but it’s also possible that, just as he said, he needs to figure his life out. Those two things are not mutually exclusive.

If he hasn’t figured out his life, he likely is not ready for the kind of relationship that required commitment, responsibility and consistency. I’m not saying he should have ended the relationship because he hasn’t figured out his life, I’m saying the relationship would have struggled.

It’s much harder to sustain a relationship when one person is uncertain about their own life.
Should he have talked to you about figuring his life out before breaking up? Yes, absolutely.

Yes, he’s an avoidant, but that doesn’t mean he gets a pass on communicating with you. If he was struggling with his direction in life, unsure about what he wanted, or feeling unable to handle the responsibilities of the relationship, those were things he could have talked to you about rather than making the decision on his own.

You may not have been able to solve his problems for him, but you could have had a conversation about what he was going through and what that meant for the relationship.

Does he want to hear from you?

I can’t tell from your question if he asked for no contact, if you decided continued contact would be too painful or if both of you assume that neither one wants no contact.

• If he asked for no contact, respect his wish for no contact, and focus on you.
• If you find continued contact too painful, it’s okay to take some space for yourself until you feel more emotionally able to have contact without it hurting you.
• If it’s just you think he wants no contact and he thinks you want know contact, then there is miscommunication. In that case, neither of you may actually want the distance, but both of you are responding to what you think the other person wants.

If both of you are responding to what you think the other person wants, reaching out would help clear the misunderstanding. As an avoidant, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s also wanting to reach out but terrified of causing more damage or  thinks you are too hurt or even angry that you won’t respond.

Will he respond if you reached out? Based on how the kind of relationship you had, the fact this wasn’t about lose of feelings and the hug when he left, yes, I believe he will respond. There’s no reason for him not to.