The Words You Use To Communicate With Your Ex Matter – A LOT

All exes not only want to know that you know what you are doing, they also want to be convinced that the relationship will work. They want to know that there will be a pay-off for them trusting you enough to give you another chance.

The words you use to communicate why your ex should trust you enough to give you another chance is more important than most people realize.

The words you use can create unnecessary conflict, escalate already existing feelings of resentment, or they can defuse conflict, prevent an argument, or warm up your ex’s heart, again.

The problem is that when you are needy and clingy, most of the time what you say or do is not received by your ex the way you intended. Often times, the more you try to explain what you actually meant, the more needy and clingy you appear to be. What started as a text to explain a previous misunderstanding ends up with 30 texts that made things worse.

To avoid these kind of “misunderstandings”, identify the ways in which your language contributes to your ex’s defensiveness or resentment towards you. This is not easy as those words you shouldn’t have said often come out in the heat of emotion.

What I’ve found works for my clients is thinking back to a more recent argument, fight or situation that unintentionally went from bad to worse. What did you say that made your ex more defensive or unresponsive? Try to avoid using the same words or tone of voice.

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57 Comments

  • I have gained clarity through reading your articles and book. I was a little selfish and did not really think about how my actions affect my ex. I since reached out to him but he is still guarded. I know in your book you say it takes time to get him to open up, so I’m doing this eyes open and with no unrealistic expectations.

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  • Yangki, you are my God-send. There have been a few times when it looked like it was over, and I read your advice and was motivated to keep going. Things are good between he and I right now and I am hopeful, but I also understand that it may not work. In the event that it doesn’t work, I want to know that I tried everything. We were together 14 long years, and that’s too long a time to just walk away without a big fight.

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  • Yangki, since applying your methods my ex is texting me more asking about how things are with me. We send each other videos and pictures of things we both like. He still calls me by the pet name he did when we were together. All indications are there that he still has feelings for me but he told me the other day that he likes to spend time with me but is not thinking of us getting back together. It seems that he just wants to be friends.

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    • It’s possible he just wants to be friends but it’s also possible that he wants to take things slow. Just because he is not thinking of getting back together now doesn’t mean he won’t change his mind weeks or months from now.

      If I were you I wouldn’t give up just yet.

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  • I recently came across your site. I’ve done everything wrong including blowing her phone, crying, pleading and nc for 5 weeks. Last evening I sent her a text apologizing for the way I handled things and she immediately wrote back saying she understood. I’m going to follow your advice and hope that I didn’t wait to long to start making all the right moves in trying to win her back.

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    • If she’s still open to contact and responds, it’s not too late.

      I suggest not talking about how you handled things or the break-up again. Use the advice on here to help you move things forward slowly and steadily.

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  • 11 months have gone by and we are still not together. All my attempts to try to get her back have been in vain. I get He mixed signals where she says she still loves me but does not wants to be with me. I feel hopeless and foolish because I tried everything and now I am back full circle. All the books seem useless. I want to buy your book, but I am not sure it will help. What is your advice? Will your book help?

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    • I understand your frustration. Unfortunately, books and/or advice can only do so much. The person who holds the key to your success is YOU.

      There is a reason why she loves you but does not want to be with you. Until that reason is no longer an issue (for her), all the advice in books will not help.

      Make sure that YOU have done the personal work that makes you someone she wants to be with. Blanket change because some “expert” or “guru” says that’s what “women want” is a complete waste of time. You don’t want to be with “women”, you want to be with this particular WOMAN. The change that makes a difference is one that makes HER want to be with you.

      Dating Your Ex eBook will help you start a NEW relationship with your ex, but only when you are ‘better’ than the person your ex broke up with.

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  • Me and my ex got back together after 4 weeks of no contact. However, we broke up again 4 months later. We had a love-hate relationship and I honestly wish I never got back with her because now I realize what a manipulative person that she is. Every time we had a disagreed which was every other week, she did not talk to me until I begged, bought her flowers and took her to expensive dinners. She did this or the entire 3 years we were together. Like a fool, I still loved her. I finally came to my senses and broke it off. Two weeks later she was with another guy. I hear they broke up a couple of weeks ago and yesterday I received a text from her. I am not going to respond nor give her any attention. I am done. I feel like the lucky one that got away.

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    • Good for you for recognizing emotional abuse and taking yourself out of the situation.

      Whatever excuse people give… silent treatment, intentionally ignoring someone to hurt them, distancing yourself from someone to get your way, cutting off contact to manipulate someone into missing you… is emotional abuse.

      In my opinion, anyone who accepts such behaviour deserves what they get.

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  • my ex came back a month ago after almost one year breakup. i came across your site several years ago when tying to get back with another ex but ultimately that didnt work out and for good reason. i would never have met the love of my life.

    he ended with me because of my insecurities. i came back to your site and right away started working on me and keeping the lines of communication open. i worked on showing him i was working on me and working on emotionally connecting.

    there were days that i thought it was never going to happen. it was over and he had moved on. but i had invested too much to give up. my chances looked bleak, but anything was possible if I took small progressive steps and never wavered on my love for him. I got that internal motivation and strength from reading your books and site. thank you yangki for all you do!

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