“I don’t know why I am doing this. I’ve never done this until now”, he begun.
“That’s okay”, I said. “That’s why I am here. How can I be of help?”
“No body calls me back.”
“I am listening”, I said.
“I feel like no body really cares about me.”
“Are you talking about the opposite sex, family, friends?’
“I am close to my family and I have many friends. But that’s not why I called”
“Why did you call?”
“I am 34 years old. I have never had a real girlfriend. I am afraid that I’ll never meet anyone. May be I am one of those people who’ll die alone. It scares me so much that some nights I can’t sleep at all.”
The fear of being alone is arguably one of the most difficult things to deal with. It is not something most of us choose to invite in. It’s something most of us regard as an enemy because of the value societies all over the world place on being married or paired up by a certain age. Many single men and woman feel ashamed of being alone. It’s like they’ve failed to meet a certain standard for being a “full human being” and therefore are defective, imperfect or incomplete in some way.
It doesn’t have to be so. Being alone can be a positive force, turning you towards greater creativity and greater personal development. In this “space” that you call your own, you can grow to know and love yourself as a separate individual. One who is not dependant on another human being for your identity and does not fixate or keep moving around seeking pleasure, seeking comfort, and satisfaction from the energy of another being. You can learn to find contentment in and with yourself — just be there alone, calm, cool and collected with the person you love. You!
It’s when being alone collides with loneliness that we feel alone in a “hot” way. Because it’s our human nature to yearn for an all-consuming love and ecstatic union with someone of the opposite sex, the longing of our hearts to love and be loved causes us to feel that uneasy feeling that we call loneliness. Being alone becomes an obsession: one of daydreaming of that one human being who’ll make us feel worthy, wonderful and complete.
This being alone in a “hot” way comes from never having grown up — emotionally and spiritually. It not only adds an edge of desperation to any other fear or insecurity you may feel but can cause you to act in ways which can be harmful. Some people find themselves looking for “mummy and daddy comfort” in food, drink, drugs, sex, money, fame, people etc. Others end up living with the rejection of love altogether.
In being alone in a “hot” way, you are running away from yourself, and cheating yourself of the opportunity to experience love in the way you want to love and be loved.
To teach yourself to be alone in a “cool” way, it’s important to realize that you do not need to be with a partner in order to begin expanding your ability to give and receive love. You simply need the willingness to start by opening yourself to the opportunities of love that surround you today.
By cultivating your ability to fluidly express the characteristics of love in all of your encounters, you are making a conscious choice to grow yourself into the loving person others can love in a cool way.
A realistic understanding of the qualities that you already have that make you a loving person will make it easier for you to identify those who can’t or won’t love you or give you what you want early on in the relationship. Knowing that although this person might have “great potential” he or she is no one to open your heart to helps you avoid toxic people and painful and unfulfilling experiences. You are also more likely to be able to sustain love when it comes to you in a form of a life partner.
It is good to share life’s journey with someone special but the journey is only as enjoyable as the person you share it with. It starts with you!