Question: Yangki, I have read many of your articles and you say no contact is a psychological trick to make your ex come back, I don’t see why that is a bad thing. No contact works if you wait long enough for both you and your ex to remember the good times at the beginning of your relationship, more easily than you remember the bad times at the end. I acted very needy and desperate at the end and she threatened to report me to the authorities if I didn’t stop contacting her and trying to get her to talk to me. I’m using no contact to create distance between us and the bad memories she had of me, and at the same time make her feel like I don’t miss her.
I think that you underestimate the power of reverse psychological to make your ex come back. It’s like when someone tells you that you can’t have a piece of cake, what do you immediately want? A piece of cake. If she thinks I’ve moved on, she’ll immediately start missing me and when I contact her, she’ll not want to lose me again.
Yangki’s Answer: I hear you and respect where you are coming from.
Using psychological tricks to make your ex come back
I like your cake analogy and will use it later when answering your question. But first, I want us to be on the same page on reverse psychology and psychological tricks.
1. Using reverse psychology to trick your ex into taking you back is manipulating your ex. This might not mean anything to you and to some people; but there are so many studies on the long-term effects of manipulation in relationships.
I know from experience as a coach that people who use psychological tricks to get back their ex never fully feel safe and secure in the relationship after they get back together. They know deep inside that their ex wouldn’t have taken them back without some kind of manipulation; and that haunts them.
2. If you know that you’re a good catch worthy of your ex; why would you need psychological tricks to make your ex take you back. Isn’t that like admitting that you’re some kind of loser that your ex wouldn’t willingly and happily take back; so you must trick them?
3. Psychological tricks don’t always work on every ex (i.e. someone with a secure attachment style or dismissive avoidant attachment). When it works with an anxious preoccupied and fearful avoidant; it strengthens their fear that people who love you can also hurt you.
Exes who want what they can’t have
I don’t know your ex and don’t know if psychological tricks will work on her or not. I know however, that there are people who when you tell them they can’t have a piece of cake because you want them to beg for it; they will shrug their shoulders and walk away, especially if they:
- Are too proud to beg for a piece of cake
- Don’t like cake in the first place
- Don’t feel like eating a piece of cake at that particular moment in time
- Have just indulged on a tastier piece or have eyes on a more delicious piece
Unless you really know for sure that your ex wants you back that bad and is the type to come begging, your reverse psychology will backfire for the simple fact that it’s based on too many assumptions.
Reverse psychology and many assumptions about your ex
1) You are assuming your ex wants to hear from you, let alone misses hearing from you. Remember this is someone who didn’t want you contacting her.
2) You are assuming your ex is thinking of you and “the good memories”. But let’s even for a remote second say she remembers the good times you had together, what makes you think she wants them back? She may have decided she can do better, have better?
3) You are assuming your ex’s life is on “stand still” and she’s not having other similar or better experiences without you. Life goes on after a break-up.
4) You are assuming that by “disappearing” your ex is going to forget you acted so badly that she felt the need to report you to the authorities.
Basically you are working on an unrealistic assumption that “no contact” somehow has the power to:
- make someone miss hearing from you;
- reverse time back to the good ol’ days;
- stop time until the bad memories are erased, and;
- stop your ex from having other experiences that are better.
You are assuming that “no contact” can do all that and also do the work of attracting back your ex for you. That’s expecting too much from “no contact”, don’t you think?
Misunderstanding of what makes someone truly love you and want you
So many people committing so much time, emotion and effort in trying to make an ex miss them. They think that’s the way to make someone love you and want you.
Exes don’t fall back in love because you make them miss you. They get triggered because of their underlying fear of rejection and abandonment. Scared people don’t make good decisions, and make decisions they later regret.
Even if your ex misses you and contacts you, which is possible; it doesn’t always mean they want you back. Sometimes it’s just how they feel and that’s all there is to it.
There is also the possibility that your ex is saying they miss you just to find out if you still miss them. You are excited they’re saying they miss you, only to find out your ex was contacting you for their own selfish reasons. After they find out you still miss them, they disappear. It happens a lot.
Using psychological tricks to make an ex come back is a choice
I am not saying you shouldn’t use psychological tricks to get back your ex; that’s a choice only you can make. And it may very well work with an ex with attachment anxiety or is a fearful avoidant. I am saying put yourself in your ex’s shoes, would you:
- As a self-respecting adult man or woman want to be in a relationship with someone who you know used psychological tricks to get you back?
- Be thinking, “Oh, they love me so much that they emotionally manipulated me into getting back together?
- Feel safe and secure in the relationship knowing may still be manipulating you?
If it gives you an “uncomfortable” feeling that someone would do that to you; why would you do it to someone you claim to love? More importantly, what does it say about you that you have to manipulate someone into missing you, and wanting you back? Just sayin’.