Why Is It Hard For Most Men To Show Emotion?

why-is-it-hard-men-to-show-emotionThank you for your feedback on my post: Men Who Can Show Real Emotions Are Sexier. Reading through the emails, the two common themes/questions that kept popping up are:

1. Why is it so hard for most men to show real emotions, and 2. Do men really need women and do men really need men?

Let’s begin with, why it is so hard for most men to show real emotions.

It’d be nice to pretend that I have ALL men figured out and know exactly why they are the way they are, but I’m too humble to make that claim. Just like women, every man is unique. Why one man is the way he is may not the why another man is the way he is. There are a combination of many things — nature and nurture– that make someone the way he (or she) is.

Some men are raised in families and cultures where the free expression of emotions is accepted and encouraged, and some men are not. Some men by nature prefer and enjoy the company of women and are comfortable with women in general, and as a result have learned to be more comfortable with their own feminine side. Some men are scared of women — and very uncomfortable around them.

My personal observation — and of course me being a tomboy who is very comfortable with men in general, and enjoy more of society’s designated male activities more than female activities — is that all men can and have the ability to show real emotions. Some men just choose not to, others fear to do so because they are not secure in their masculinity, and in some cases (this will not go well with some women), it’s just not safe to be emotionally open around some women. I’m talking about the manipulative, emotionally immature, insecure and emotionally abusive women.

Do men really need women and do women really need men?

“Need’ may be too strong a word, but yes, men need women and women need men. As human beings, we need the balance of feminine and masculine energies to be complete within ourselves and in our relationships, especially with the opposite gender.

So yes, men need women in their lives to see the reflection of their own feminine energies; and women need men in their lives to see the reflection of their own masculine energies.

A man who hangs around only men is more likely to see only a reflection of his “masculine” energy — aggressive, emotionally detached, ambitious, and focused on power and domination. But that’s not the worst part of it. A man who hangs around only men is also more likely to be scared of women, and angry at the fact that women scare the masculinity out of him.

Don’t believe me?

Just visit the “male only” blogs and discussion forums, and you will meet some of the angriest, most sexually frustrated and ignorant (of women) men on earth. They feel so justified in their “hatred” of women and spew their ignorance without even knowing just how little they know about women. And because they are among men who are just like themselves, the poor guys don’t even realize they are their own worst enemies.

Don’t get me wrong. The same things happens in blogs and discussion forums that target “women only”. The juvenile male-bashing and labelling, and the hormonal “they do this to us… men are bad”, is sickening.

To me, in my role as a relationship coach helping men and women connect better, the question is not so much, “Why is it so hard for most men to show real emotions?” because they can if they want to– and learn how to. The bigger question is: WHY DON’T MORE MEN AND MORE WOMEN CONNECT MORE EMOTIONALLY?

The answer is simple. Learn to be emotionally comfortable around each other. Stop the “men/women are different”, which is only another way of saying “different is threatening” or “different is inferior/superior”.

Men and women don’t have to be “enemies”, when being “lovers” is less stressful and frustrating, and more fun and fulfilling!

As I always say: show me a man who truly and genuinely loves women, and a woman who truly and genuinely loves men, and I’ll show you a sexually magnetic and irresistible, vibrant and fulfilled human being.

Like it or not, our relationships with the opposite sex is a reflection of who we really are as men and as women.

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  • It’s just not safe to be emotionally open around some women…

    I guess you met my ex. I have had some run ins with these type of women in my life, but none like my ex. I’m the first to say I’m not the most emotionally expressive man, but I’m a straight shooter. I always let the women know where I stand with them. I tell them I love them, and when I don’t feel any love for them anymore, I tell them. I have never, never led on a woman on in my life.

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  • But for some women this is not enough. My ex accuses me of being emotionally unavailable and has made my life a living hell. She called the woman I’m now dating and told her that I’ll break her heart the way I broke hers. Yangki, you tell me, what was I supposed to do, pretend that I still love her?

    This is one reason some guys keep their emotions and feelings to themselves. Damn us if we do and damn us if you don’t. Nothing is ever enough or the right thing to do.

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    • Yes Matt, I have met your ex… many times as a matter of fact…(:

      Believe me, I get your frustration. I sometimes myself get frustrated trying to explain to someone that the reality of life is that relationships do run their course, feelings of love sometimes fade away, and men and women have the right to end a relationship they do not want anymore.

      Unfortunately, there are some women and also some men out there who can’t accept the fact that someone does not want to be with them. I’ve seen the words “unavailable”, “commitment phobe” or “afraid of commitment” so often used when the reality is that someone just isn’t interested anymore.

      My advice is, have a heart-to-heart talk with the new woman you now with and make her feel emotionally safe and secure. That’s who you are with now and whose feelings you should be concerned about.

      As for your ex, you can’t do anything about someone who can’t accept they are not wanted anymore except to ignore her and keep as far away from her as possible. Hopefully, she’ll get over it and move on…

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  • I’m a single dad of two boys and the biggest mistake I made was introduce this woman to my boys. At first she was very sweet but later started saying their mother was poisoning their minds and the boys did not like her. She was jealous of the time I spent with them and accused me of taking sides against her. I had to let her go.

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    • It usually takes two to create a relationship and two to destroy it, so I’m not going to take sides without knowing the full story. I do however believe that when you are dating as a single parent, your first responsibility and concern is your children. They have no choice in the situation but sometimes suffer the consequences of a parent’s choices. Women come and go, but you will ALWAYS be their dad.

      You are not going to be fully present with your children when you are blaming yourself (or your ex) for what happened. You can’t go back and change it, so learn from it and let it go. As long as you are still holding onto what happened, she still has a hold on you. Let it go!

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