The Mistake People Who Try Too Hard Make

You met this wonderful person and the first date is great. So is the second and third, but then they stop calling. You panic. When you manage to catch them on their cell, there is an awkward exchange and they end the brief exchange with the excuse that they are too busy exhausted to talk, are going through an emotionally difficult time or dealing with some career/business challenges (and not in a mood to talk). They promise to text or call later. But that never happens.

Your immediate reaction is to attempt a control strategy. A part of you tells you that their behaviour is a flashing exit sign but somehow you manage to find a logical reason to justify their behaviour.

You tell yourself, maybe it’s “emotional baggage” from past relationships or something to do with growing up with an alcoholic mother or absent father. What they need is your devotion, love and attention.

So you send them texts or long emails urging them to hang in there. You start advising, coaching or affirming them because you want them to feel how much you care. You somehow become obsessed with trying to fix and make okay what has caused them to “distance”.

In your mind you, you’re trying to show the other person that you care and want what’s best for them but many times your “giving too much” only makes the other person want more distance from you.

There is no real happiness and fulfillment in one-sided love!

When you do all the “pushing” or forcing things to happen, the other person doesn’t feel that they have to do anything, they just go along until they feel it’s time to drop out. You are left holding the line with no one on the other side. But when you let someone (of course you have to inspire them so they see what a life with you is like), you give them the opportunity to decide for themselves that if they don’t do something, they’ll miss out on something that they also want — as opposed to being constantly prompted to want.

It’s like a product, if you are not interested, the telemarketers have to keep calling you to make you want to buy (and that can irritate). But if you are interested in a product, you’ll drive distances to find it — and there is no cost that is too much.

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    1. If you are finding this intense, then you should tell her that you’ve not had this experience before and it’s a little overwhelming for you. It’s only polite and decent to let people know how their actions make you feel, as long as you’re not be obnoxious about it. If you feel that telling her would hurt her feelings, then just ignore the numerous emails and respond only when you feel comfortable doing so. That will naturally pace things out.

  1. says: Becky

    We had a great first date. I let him kiss me and said goodbye. A week goes by and no call, no email, nothing. I called and left a voice message. He did not call back. My gf said he was testing me to see how many times id call him. She said I shd call him everyday morning and evening. Now I feel that he might be thinking that I’m crazy. I just want him to know the reason I reacted the way I did was because I felt hurt.

    1. You set your hopes too high and got bad advice from your gf. You two may have had a great date, but when he was alone he decided he didn’t want to pursue it further, that’s why he never called. And even if he had wanted to pursue things further and may have been distracted by something else that had nothing to do with you, the calling him everyday certainly made up his mind real quick. I don’t think telling him that you acted the way you did because you were hurt will change anything. Learn something from this experience and move on.