The Failed Texting Stage Of Trying To Get Back An Avoidant

If you’ve been texting to your avoidant ex on-and-off for the last 4 – 6 months, you get along so well and enjoy messaging each other but things aren’t progressing beyond texting, you may be in the “Failed Texting Stage” also known as the ““Failed Talking Stage” of trying to get back with your ex.

A “Failed Texting Stage” of trying to get back an avoidant ex is similar to the dating Failed Texting Stage where two people who are getting to know each other with the intentions of having a romantic relationship find themselves unable to progress things to the relationship stage. But unlike in the dating Failed Talking Stage, you’re not starting something new, you’re trying to fix a relationship that didn’t work the first time, second or third time.

The chemistry, sexual attraction and feelings are there; you both know it and feel it but no one talks about it – or wants to talk about it. Neither of you wants to put themselves out there only to get hurt again. You may even be aware of each other’s intentions, or at least an avoidant is aware that you want to get back together but it’s not something you talk about.

It’s called Failed Texting Stage because all you do is text or IM (and occasionally talk on the phone)

You talk for hours and hours about everything else except how you both feel about the other. Every now and then you say something about your feelings for your avoidant ex, what you want to see happen or what you hope for, but you drop it in the middle of a conversation about work or something that happened in the day, or conversation on a common interest because you are afraid of having a direct conversation about feelings or afraid of finding out where you stand with them. Your avoidant ex ignores the part of the conversation about your feelings for them and the conversation continues.

In some cases, there may even be physical intimacy and some emotional closeness but with no vulnerability, no free expression of needs or discussion about future plans. You hook up every now and then but the emotional and vulnerability part of the connection is something you both avoid.

Things are not getting worse but they’re not warming up either

After one or two attempts to be vulnerable and talk about your feelings, you stop trying to tell them how you feel. You’re left feeling disappointed, confused, and even questioning if you want to continue reaching out or responding to texts. You may even out of frustration decide to accelerate things by asking your avoidant ex out on a date, and avoidant surprised and scared by the abruptness of the request pulls back. You realize you acted impulsively, try to fix what you broke, and in some cases an avoidant ex accepts the apology but nothing really changes.

Neither of you wants to lose the other but neither one of you feels safe being vulnerable or knows how to how to communicate their feelings, emotions and needs. Some exes even stop talking for a while because they realize that things are good, but they aren’t really going anywhere. But after a while, contact resumes again but nothing changes.

You are in some kind of emotional stalemate or limbo where you’re still texting, still sharing jokes, memes and video clips, still watching each other’s stories, even still being intimate with each other but it kind of feels like cold intimacy; things are not getting worse, but they’re not warming up either.

Vulnerability is crucial to moving beyond the Failed Texting Stage

It’s very hard to get back on track to getting back together once you get to the Failed Talking Stage. It’s probably the hardest part of the initial stages of trying to get back with an avoidant ex. This is because avoidant exes are often not in a hurry to progress things. Their attachment style has the capacity to keep things in limbo for as long as possible.  Avoidants also have a tendency to “emotionally move on” while still maintaining contact with someone and even still being intimate with them.

But just because it’s very hard to get back on track to getting back together once you get to the Failed Talking Stage doesn’t mean it’s impossible. Sometimes a Failed Talking Stage can be an opportunity to re-evaluate how you are approaching trying to get back with an avoidant. You may find that the constant tiptoeing around each other due to a fear of vulnerability is what is creating the emotional stalemate or limbo. You’ve already been y your avoidant ex, it’s hard to just throw caution aside and put yourself out there knowing very well that they could hurt you again.

Unfortunately when you are in the Failed Texting Stage, you have only three choices

You can choose to;

1. Continue with the way things are.

2. Walk away and live the rest of your left wondering what would have happened if you had been vulnerable and honest with your feelings.

3.  Be vulnerable and stop hiding your feelings, emotions or needs.

Here’s the tricky part. If you choose to be vulnerable with an avoidant ex, you have to learn safe vulnerability. Avoidants struggle with being vulnerable themselves but appreciate (and are even deeply moved by genuine vulnerability) when it doesn’t feel overwhelming, emotionally demanding, or threatening.

Start with being vulnerable in small but meaningful ways and watch their actions, not just their reactions. If they stay present and don’t pull back or if they respond thoughtfully even if they don’t immediately share their feelings, emotions and needs, your vulnerability feels safe to an avoidant. If they seem uncomfortable you may be too vulnerable or sharing too much too soon. Readjust but don’t completely back away from being vulnerable because your chances of getting back together depend ono you being vulnerable in a safe way.

RELATED:

Secure Reconnection Guide: Talking Again to Back Together

How to Talk to Avoidant Exes – What Actually Works to Reconnect

Avoidant Ex Hiding DEEP Feelings Vs. Familiar Comfort

What’s Happening When An Avoidant Ex Fails To Progress