Break From Your Ex Vs. Break From Trying to Get Back Together – 1

I hate, hate, hate it when all the advice I can give a client is “maybe you should take a break from actively trying to get back together, and take care of you.”

My job as a love coach is to show people how to make love work and to encourage them not to give up on love. You could even say THIS is what I was born to do (at least that’s what I tell myself).

But when a client is emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted, tired and worn out from trying to make love work. When they are losing interest in their job, friends and hobbies, and their will to live is slowly fading away, “maybe you should take a break from actively trying to get back together and take care of you” is the best advice I can give.

It’s not advice I am comfortable giving and not the advice some clients want to hear. They want to keep trying and what they hear me say is “your ex does not love you” or “it’s not going to work”. Of course, that’s not what I am saying but I understand when they are disappointed that the same person who is telling everyone “don’t ever give up on love” is telling them to take a break from actively trying to make love work. Put in their shoes, I’d probably feel the same way.

Thankfully, it’s not often than I have to give this kind of advice and by the time I tell a client “maybe you should take a break from trying to actively get back together and take care of you” most of them have arrived (on their own) to the conclusion that they need  break from trying to get back with their ex.

I’ll say this again and again. Trying to attract back an ex is one of the most trying experiences most people will ever have in our lifetime. It’s an experience that not only tests our emotional spine but stretches our emotional resources to the limits, and that’s just for any ‘healthy’ relationship.

But when a relationship is one-sided, unhealthy, dysfunctional or toxic:

  • Brings out the worst in each other
  • Is codependant
  • Has so many lies, arguments and fights
  • One partner’s self-destructive behaviours e.g. alcohol, drug use or gambling spills over to the other partner
  • You are hurting each other more than you are making each other happy
  • You have an ex who is so insecure that they think playing hot-and-cold and pull-and-push mind games makes them more attractive
  • You have an ex who thrives on non-stop drama and creates emotional stress day after day.

It doesn’t matter how much you love and want your ex back, you will experience “relationship fatigue” or “ex fatigue”.

“Relationship fatigue” or “ex fatigue” means different things to different people, but the short of it is that one is emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted, tired and worn out from trying to make the relationship work or trying to get back together with an ex.

It looks very much like ‘giving up” on someone you love or on the relationship and for some it is, but in my experience with people trying to attract back their ex, it’s more of an introspective look at oneself and an acknowledgment of one’s own limitations.

For some of my clients, “ex fatigue” is finally taking the blinds off.  They are tired of:

  • Making excuses for their ex’s behaviours and character flaws
  • Justifying and making excuses for why things are the way they are
  • Ignoring major red flags that existed in the relationship and still exist
  • Sacrificing their needs, wants and even value and dreams
  • Pretending that this is the relationship they want etc.

They come to me not to show them how to make love work or encourage them not to give up on love. They come to me because they are looking for someone to confirm what they already feel and know.

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