Lately, I’ve been getting more and more emails from men and women who say my advice has helped them move things to a point where they are in regular contact with their ex, and things even seem to be heading towards getting back together. But for some unknown reason, their ex is still confused about how they feel and what they want. Many of the emails are asking me whether in such a situation one ought to be trying to get back together with their ex or just give up. One person asked me if it’s even possible to fight for the relationship and at the same time allow it to happen naturally.
When it comes to relationships, there is having a relationship with someone and there is struggling to hold on to a relationship you want.
What’s the difference?
When you take an object and wrap your hands around it tightly, you are communicating that you want to keep it. You are also communicating that you do not wish to let go of it. The (this is mine) energy going into holding tightly is one of control, possessiveness and constant fear of losing what you have in your hand.
This is what “struggling to hold on to a relationship” feels like. Though the fear is disguised as “I love him/her very much”, the energy in the relationship is one of anxiety, worrying, over-analyzing, needing to control or manipulate things to keep someone from leaving.
Despite your trying so hard to make the relationship work, make the other person feel loved and/or manipulate their emotions (i.e. make them jealous, use guilt or ultimatums), in the end, they end up leaving.
When you open your palm and let the object rest on it, you are communicating that you want to keep it. You are also communicating that you are willing to let go of it, if you have to. The energy is one of openness, ease and effortlessness.
This is what having a relationship in which you are not struggling to hold on to someone feels like. The energy in the relationship is one of openness, ease and effortlessness. The words “I love him/her very much” are devoid of fear or need to control, possess or manipulate to keep the other person from leaving.
How do you know you are struggling to hold onto a relationship versus having a relationship?
- You feel anxious more often than calm and relaxed
- You worry about the relationship (and the other person leaving) more often than feel confident about the love you have for each other
- You over-analyze (and scrutinize) the relationship more often than going with the flow
- You feel the need to control or manipulate things more often than letting things unfold naturally
- You are in “can’t live without but can’t live with” type of relationship
- You are more of relationship coach or couple’s therapist than a lover and partner
Sometimes the simple act of loosening your grip on a relationship is what turns struggling to hold on to a relationship (and to someone) to having a relationship with them.
Don’t just take my word for it, try it for yourself – and for your relationship.