Question: Yangki, I really want to buy your eBook because I love your articles and your approach to love and relationships. Can you clarify what you mean by “starting the relationship with your ex all over”.
My ex and I were together for 4 years. We’ve broken up several times but always found ourselves back with the other. I have no doubt she loves me, and I love her very much. My concern is that we have tried to make the relationship work so many times already, and it doesn’t work. What is the guarantee it will work this time round? Btw, she feels the same way.
Yangki’s Answer: Excellent Question.
What you have been doing with your ex is a “do-over”. A do-over means you are the same old people trying to inject life into the same old relationship that failed. You know what they say about doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result — it’s the definition of insanity.
Starting all over means that you have first and foremost let the old relationship die.
Like you, the biggest mistake most men and women who still love each other make is get back together right after a break-up. They mistakenly assume that because the feelings of love are still there and still strong, they can make it work. Most don’t do a postmortem on the relationship, don’t try to change anything and some don’t even talk about what happened. They just get back together and continue from where they ended.
Others fail to get their ex back because they try to get back together in the very first few weeks of contact. They get so excited that the other person is responding and mistakenly assume that means he or she wants to get back together. They are surprised when the other person starts distancing, asks for space, or says they are not ready to jump right back in a relationship.
Those that use “No Contact” as a strategy to get their ex back think that if they went away for a few weeks or months, and came back things will work out because enough time has passed — they can now begin afresh. Those that use “No Contact” as a strategy to get their ex back think that if they went away for a few weeks or months, and came back things will work out because enough time has passed — they can now begin afresh.
Most of the time those “fresh starts” never materialize because people who tend to be more drawn to “No Contact” also have primitive relationship skills for getting their relationship needs met by a partner. They create walls in order to survive instead of learning how to negotiate mutual agreements that further their interest. The only way they know how to take care of themselves is to leave, “I’ve got to get out of here”.
You probably have made one or all of those mistakes. It’s time to do it differently. Start all over.
For there to be a new beginning, don’t try to become a couple again immediately. Go through the loss and grief process together or separately, as you decide and is acceptable to the other. In my experience, couples who go through the grief experience together have a better chance than those that do it separately, or someone who insists “this is what I need” without any consideration for what “the relationship needs.”
Then begin dating each other like two new people meeting and getting to know each other again. That’s why the Book is called “Dating Your Ex” and not “Get Your Ex Back”.
It’s about starting a NEW relationship with your ex.
The old relationship is over. Now you start a new relationship but with someone you dated before.
You start like when you met. Texts, phone calls, dates etc. But for it t be a real a real “new beginning” of a new relationship, your ex has to see, feel and think something is different, something is new.
That can only happen when you are a “new you” — an improved version of yourself with something new to bring to the relationship. You also have to have an increased awareness while working to produce different results. The necessary ingredients are awareness, focus, action, consistency and persistence.
If you’ve honestly changed — become a better version of yourself, acquired new beliefs, habits, interests, relationship skills and tools – and behave like a better version of yourself, there is NO WAY you can have the same relationship again. No way!
Changing one aspect of the equation (YOU) changes the outcome. It’s simple math.
Anything else is a do-over… and you know where that will get you…same results!