Question: Yangki, I love your site so much. My ex and I were in the jaws of divorce and your advice and books have helped me convince her that we can work again. Her therapist insists on a separation, so I agreed to a 3month temporary separation down from the 6months her therapist advised. I also got her to agree to keeping the lines of communication after her therapist advised no contact. We have 2 young ones and she agreed that no contact makes no sense. So far Im happy with how things are and she seems happy too. My question and concern is how do we make this separation work for us and for the kids? My oldest 11 is having behavioral issues at school and blames his mom for me moving out of the house. Do you have any advice on how to maintain safety, security and stability for the kinds while respecting the terms of the temporary separation?
Yangki’s Answer: First of all, I think you are doing everything right. I want to think its all about my advice and books but there is no question that both of you have the maturity, love and respect for each other to be able to get to where you are.
I don’t know if I have the answer to your question about providing safety, security and stability for the kinds while respecting the terms of the temporary separation because of the limited information I have about your situation.
What has worked for some of my clients in almost similar situations is one of you stays in the house with the kids and the other stays with friends or parents for a week and then switch places like when one parent leave for a week-long business trip.
1. It will not feel (very much) like one parent moved out as there will be some kind of stability, probably even safety and security for the kids.
2. You both will have a week to yourselves to do your own stuff knowing the kids are taken care of.
3. You both have security of having a home to go back to.
Talk to her about it and maybe the two of you can come up with ideas on how to make this work even better (the way you have done with everything else so far).