Not all exes cut off contact when they are moving on or have moved on. Your ex may still be responding to texts even when they are moving on or have moved on. This is confusing because you don’t know if things are moving at a slower pace or slowly fading out.
Many of my clients tell me they worry that while they’re trying to get their ex back, their ex may be moving on but is responding just to be polite. This is a reasonable concern. If your is moving on, or has moved on you don’t want to waste time, effort and emotions.
But how do we know if your ex is moving or has moved if your e is still responding?
If you had a relatively good relationship, if you had a strong friendship besides being lovers, if your ex still cares about you and even still loves you, or if your ex is securely attached (and can compartmentalize their feelings), they may not cut off all contact and want nothing to do with you even if they are moving on or have moved on.
They will usually send signals before they completely move on.
The signals each ex sends is unique to the relationship and to the individual. I have however found that there are two main patterns that most exes seem to follow prior to completely disengaging and moving on. The first one is what I like to call the “silently gone” and the second is the “presently absent.”
1. They gradually stop responding
You’d text your ex and they almost immediately responded; but now your ex is responding less and less, seems less interested, is more distant or “unusually busy” as time goes on. After a while they completely stop responding and just fade away from your life. Like many, you may panic and think you said or did something “wrong” and pushed your ex further away, but if all you did was contact them (not too much, of course) and you didn’t have any major disagreements or incidents that could cause someone to pull away, don’t torture yourself. Your ex simply moved on.
2. They still respond but are emotionally unavailable
Presently absent” exes don’t fade away. They maintain contact, respond to texts, but are emotionally “not there”. They are like a worker who reports to work as usual but does no work. Some of them even tend to be unusually loving and caring just before completely disengaging. It’s a weird phenomenon. Maybe it’s guilt, or maybe the anxiety of moving on.
If you feel that although your ex is responsive they feel more distant, or if your gut is telling you that your ex is only responding out of politeness, look into the depth of their responses.
- Even if they are responding immediately, are they opening up more or somewhat closed off?
- Do they answer your questions like they used to?
- Do they ask you questions beyond how are you and how is your day?
- Has their ‘schedule” suddenly changed so that they are unusually ‘busy’ or unavailable at all times?
- Are they talking about not being “ready” for a relationship, telling your not to wait for them or telling you to date other people?
The key to any relationship is ‘engaged communication’. By ‘engaged”, I mean give and take, almost in equal amounts. It doesn’t always have to be 50/50 as some people tend to want more contact than others or just talk more. Also, in the initial stages, as I have mentioned several times in my articles and book, the person trying to get the other back tends to do a lot more initiating contact and trying to sustain conversations. In many cases, it evens up when things pick up. But if over time, your communication is less ‘engaged’, your ex is sending you clear signals, they are moving on.
RELATED: 12 Signs Your Ex Is Friendly And Polite But Doesn’t Want You Back
Hi. I have read your articles and blogs and found these very helpful and it makes more sense to build bridges with communication than with no-contact. My question is, how and in what ways do I create an emotional connection? We have been texting but it’s surface level communication. I can’t seem to get it to the emotional level. I’m stuck and he’s a stubborn man so it’s even harder to crack his emotions. Any advice is appreciated.
Thank you!
Enter “emotional connection” in the search tool and there are several articles on how to emotionally connect with an ex. My book ‘Dating Your Ex” also has examples of how to go about making an emotional connection. But if you want more specific advice tailored to your unique situation, your ex’s personality and your ex’s attachment style, I am happy to coach you on how to emotionally connect with him and move things forward.
This is exactly what happened with my ex. We were together 4 years, I was doing my PHD program and tried to spend as much time with him, it wasn’t enough for him and he became needy. I told him us fighting all the time was stressing me out, and his response was to cut me off. I tried to reach out but he would not respond. He recently reached out after 3 months asking how I am. I guess he waited until I completed my PHD program to reach out. I told him I was doing great but would prefer that maintained the no contact he instigated. I don’t love him anymore and I have no respect for him but I had the decency to respond when he reached out.