Question: I just wanted to say thanks for all the advice, it is truly a great help. I feel like my ex is warming up to me but he has not directly said anything to suggest he wants me back nor has the conversation on the break-up come up yet. He obviously knows I want him back. Are there some tell tale signs that say an ex is becoming interested again?
Yangki’s Answer: I agree with you that there is very little to suggest that he actually wants to get back together with you. However, as you’ve experienced, these things move progressively over time. Tomorrow things could change, who knows.
Some of the signs that show that he/she is becoming interested include:
1. Open to regular contact
Your conversations go from random contacts to communicating regularly over a period of time. It does not mean your ex wants you back, it just means they are comfortable having you in their daily life.
2. Emotional engagement
Your conversations go from surface-level topics (how are you? how’s your day?, how’s work? etc) to personal topics that include your lives, the people and things you both care about, everyday life or future plans or information they previously did not share with you.
3. Initiating contact
If you’re the one who has been initiating contact, your ex starting to initiate contact (regularly) is a good sign that they are warming up to you and taking responsibility for keeping communication going.
4. Asking questions about you dating status
Your ex is asking questions about how you are spending your time and/or if you are dating someone else. They are trying to figure out if you are still available and/or if you’re still interested in them.
5. Teasing and/or Flirting
This is sign only applies if things have been quite tense in the past. It means that things have moved to a more emotionally safe zone. It does mean interest if either of you is a natural tease or flirt, and if one or both of you see sex as the goal of the teasing/flirting.
6. Open to face-to-face interaction
If you’ve been in contact via text, email or phone calls, moving things to face-to-face meeting is an encouraging sign. Again it does not mean you’re back together, it just means you’re both comfortable being in each other’s personal space.
7. Comfortable with physical touch
The amount and degree of physical contact in some instances suggests a level of comfort with each other. This however is a little tricky as ex-sex can be very tempting even for people who have no intention whatsoever of ever getting back together. So don’t just assume because someone is getting all “hot for you” that he (or she) is emotionally warming up to you as well.
8. Letting you in on his/her emotions
Another sign (probably the most telling of all) is the tone, content, depth and emotion in your conversations. I am not talking about the emotions or feelings about how they feel about you or getting back together. The emotions is letting you on their joys, upsets, frustrations, stress, confusion, etc on things happening in their lives or people they care about. This is a sign that they feel emotionally safe around you. Feeling emotionally safe with you is a pre-requisite for getting back together.
9. They are not trying to push you away
Listen for words like “remain friends”, “I don’t want us to hate each other”, “whatever happens”, “I only wish the best for you”, “You’re a special guy/woman, any person would be lucky to have you”, etc. These are words common with exs who want to remain “friendly” but not looking to get back together and those looking for closure and getting ready to move on. It’s not always the case, but more often than not.
10. They talk bout a future with you in it
They mention things that suggest that you will be in contact or in each other’s lives for a while. It doesn’t mean they are necessarily thinking of getting back together, but that they are not planning on cutting you off anytime soon. They may be leaving the door open for the possibility that they may change their mind as time goes on.
All this said, always remember until you’ve had the “let’s get back together” talk, you’re officially not back together. Interest is just that… interest.
Treat this whole experience as “Dating Your Ex”, that is, as if you’re just starting dating only this time it’s someone you’ve dated and had a relationship with before.
Take it slowly and see where it leads. Do not worry whether or not he is responding in time. Just make sure you’re not repeating past mistakes but creating new pleasant memories. You have a better chance of getting back together if you take a “do over” approach rather than trying to continue from where the last relationship ended (fix/mend a broken relationship). The old relationship didn’t have a strong enough foundation that’s why it broke down. It makes no sense trying to rebuild on a weak/faulty foundation however beautiful, and nice and cozy the inside was.
But most importantly, keep working on yourself. The more centered, confident and positive your vibe the more relaxed and attractive you’re to him. The less confident (and insecure) you feel, the more fearful you’ll be and will feel the need to control things which in turn will make him not feel like coming back.